1st January 2007
The shrine had been cleaned n decorated as is every year.
We prayed, rang the shrine bell and clapped twice. Even without having to tell, I knew we had asked for the happiness of our baby… I hoped I could be with Hiro forever. It was the first time that I had sincerely prayed with sincerity for happiness of another person…
When I look back, an obvious realization became clear that before meeting Hiro, my life had been sheltered from pain. With Hiro’s arrival there was change, in quantitative amounts, in such a natural manner over such a finite period…
Love was mysterious indeed. Every change felt innate and adaptation came reflexively. A drastic change, surely. Or maybe it brings out those traits n qualities, reactions to situations which a person previously never had courage to act upon…
The past events played through… after what Saki had done to me, Hiro had asked me whether I regretted falling in love with him. His pained face was tormenting me, I held his gaze, trying to ease his worries.
“BAKA!!! I don’t care if it happens an infinite times…
I love you. It wont cease till I die. Or maybe not even then…”
His expression was dazzling.
….
…
…
Nee chan poked her head through the door. I snapped back from my reverie to the commonplace view of the blue ceiling in my room and looked at her.
She said that the bath was free to go….
All through the evening these memories played like a technicolour film in my mind…
7th February 2007
Hiro n I were on the roof of our school eating lunch. Today I had tried my hand at making an obento n it seems Hiro liked it enough…
The wind was very alive today… it was ruffling my hair playfully n not letting me eat so Hiro had to keep these strands that the wind was playing with, in check… his warm hand flew past my face to make the strands of hair behave…
When I asked Hiro about his favorite subjects, which surprisingly knew very little about, he replied that he himself also had never told them as he never really thought seriously about them…
I teased him a bit about it n he retaliated immediately.
“what about you?”
“what about you?”
“I have an interest in English and literature…”
“that’s really difficult!!”
He appeared surprised to hear it which puzzled me…
He said embarrassingly that I had been prompt n honest in my answer…
Even his reasons were unfathomable to me…. So I insisted that he should think about his favorite subjects and he concurred to tell after giving it a thought.
4th march 2007
EXAMS!!!!
I’m so lucky that I have Hiro to tutor me, otherwise I found math so difficult that doubt set in whether I could even pass in it…
Hiro is unexpectedly strict in the matter of studies…
Its amazing to see his quick grasp of them.
I’m preparing for exams vigorously with Hiro!!
13th april 2007
The summer break has started in full swing! And it seems hotter than ever!
Hiro has found another Davidson in the scrapyard…and is working on it very enthusiastically..he has found a part-time job in a nearby mechanic shop…
The time we spend together is quite uncertain in length but I’m very happy even to see him for short periods…
I’m trying to find some work but most of the time goes in helping mom around the house for spring cleaning…
…………………………….
This evening I found my part-time job! The obaa-chan at the nearby supermarket is such a kindred spirit!! The summer break is passing by in a blur….
6th june 2007
Today the sky seemed somewhat grey… an unexpected rain pattered on me as I was returning from my part-time job…
BEEP.BEEP.BEEP
A message! But it was from an unknown number…
My legs came to a halt as if all the energy in them had been drained away. They were numb, as were my hands, the blood drained out of my face…I could feel the muscles stretched by the smile slowly coming to their original position, wiping that stupid and silly smile off my face…
BREAK UP WITH HIRO!!!!! HE HAS NEVER LOVED YOU.
YOU ARE AN EYESORE.
GO AWAY FROM HIRO’S LIFE.
HIRO IS FED UP OF YOU.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
What in hell was this? What was the reason for this? Who was this person?
Confusion laced with fear started brewing in my mind as I ran back home.
Should I tell Hiro? Could I tell him?
What do I do?????????????????/
14th june 2007
the messages continued to come.
DIE! YOU PIECE OF FILTH!
YOU ARE RUINING HIRO’S LIFE!
YOU ARE OF NO VALUE TO ANYONE!
I … was frightened to the core; not knowing n not being able to make head or tail of it..
I couldn’t even count the number of messages my inbox quickly filled with them so I started deleting them when they came…
Even if they were deleted the impact was psychological. I couldn’t get the messages out of my head.
A couple of days earlier, calls began to start… when I finally nailed the courage to pick it up, I finally knew who the perpetrator was.
Saki.
It had become an ominous name to me now.
I had to listen of her rants about Hiro, about when they were together….it ended up in her telling me to go die everytime…
At the beginning I took the call to know who it was. I thought that knowing it was Saki she would stop sometime or the other.
But it only got worse.
I had hidden from Hiro all this time. I knew I had to bear Saki otherwise she could get even more dangerous and her resentment would be bottled up within her in enough amounts for her to commit suicide. I had to strong! I could become stronger for Hiro’s sake n my love for him.
I couldn’t face Hiro at all because he would easily catch my lie.
Had he met her which instigated her reactions? Would they get back together now that I was spending less time with Hiro just as Saki had said over the phone?I couldn’t bring myself to ask him. Queries after questions dropping like bombs, each more explosive than the one before…
Always making excuses, I had cooped myself up in the room these days…
3rd July 2007
it has continued all this while… and it only gets worse. After her threats came, I have been extremely denying to meet Hiro, making up some excuse or the other… we just met for a quarter of an hour upon Hiro’s insistence n even then I left in a hurry.
I feel so dizzy today…
…………………………………………………………………………….
This piercing was familiar to me, my eyes felt hurt… I blinked twice and again. Mom exclaimed that I was finally awake.
It appeared that I had fainted in the bathroom.
The doctor had diagnosed gastric inflammation.
This was caused by stress, n there were no guesses other than the obvious one behind the reason for it…
Hiro was my first priority, I messaged him that I had a severe cold….
If he knew……
I slumped back over after switching off my phone, hoping he would buy it…
7th July 2007
The days were mechanical. Even if I pined for Hiro, I knew it wasn’t right to involve him. But all the negative memories were piling up in my heart.
If Hiro was fed up with me, because of how I behaved around and avoided him, I had no meaning or value.. why am I alive?
Something glinted in the light.
The knife for fruits-mom had left it in the morning…
Slowly my hand reached out for it. I wondered if it would hurt.
It would be better if it did hurt.
Surprisingly it didn’t hurt at all.
A deep red sliver oozed on my wrist, I waited for the pain…I want it to hurt!
The red jewels began to drop, my hand started to become a bit numb, I flexed it for the pain to come…
…
The door rattled.
Aya stood in the doorway. Unfortunately her first glance went towards my hands…
She didn’t say anything. I was perplexed. She was extremely loud in expressing her emotions n here she hadn’t even screamed! She wasn’t acting fussily. She simply took the knife out of my hand, began bandaging it with the first aid kit in the room.
After completing it, she sighed a heavy deep sigh.
Her face crumpled into such pain that I felt troubled and guilty.
“mikan, poor mikan! I AM SORRY
I am … I am ashamed to not have realized what’s been going on with you.”
I shook my head n bowed my head down.
Her tight hug, made my cold heart warm up and beat again.
I let out everything that was on my mind.
She disagreed vehemently to my reason of keeping it a secret from Hiro. But she also understood my fear of telling him. Hiro was so short-tempered…
Aya told me to take care of myself and bowed to formally greet mom as she went out.
………..
When I had cut my wrist, I wanted to let the pain out… I maybe
didn’t want to die….
11th July 2007
Finally the doctor had allowed to let me go home yesterday…
I was clearing up some stuff from my room, when the doorbell rang. Mom shouted for me to get it and I grumblingly went to open it.
Blue stripes greeted me and I was shocked to see Hiro’s face glaring at me.
He stomped over the threshold, threw his boots messily n angrily n stepped over straight to run upstairs. I immediately understood n followed with a sinking feeling.
Aya had blabbed it. When I had told her not to!
he was standing with his hands crossed tightly.
“mikan, are you hiding something from me?”
Ah! It was aya! But atleast she didn’t tell him the whole thing!
I hadn’t face him so I raised my head. His face gave me such relief! To look at him was pure joy! I drunk in the moment…
Then I remembered the question n the nervousness set in…
“n-n-n…. No!! its nothing!!”
How in the hell could I lie to him????
But I had no strength to go over the truth after aya…
I pushed him out of the room and banged the door close. He was caught unawares so he didn’t retaliate, thank god for that.
“WHY????
Am I bothering you?”
Am I bothering you?”
His urgency was pricking at me…. I kept quiet- my innards squeezed with torment and remorse …
I simply kept crying for the rest of the time, refusing meals and finally sleeping, exhausted n red eyed.
14th July 2007
I was shut in my room.
Mom and dad were out.
A tap echoed in my empty room. It quivered in the air for a bit then Hiro’s face popped outside on the other side of the glass.
I mechanically opened the window. He came inside. Wrapping me in his arms so forcefully, he accusingly let out,
“why didn’t you tell me?”
..
“I was afraid … that… you would do something, that you would be angry…”
“you also thought that I would get together with Saki…”
…
Silence … it cut my heart.
I wanted him to speak………… n…
I didn’t want him to say even a word…
“how much do I have to prove more to you than this? When will you believe?”
I breathed in his scent through the shirt.
“time…”
He is an addictive dream to me…. I could never give him up even when I was forced to do so….
“I can never be sure that you’re real…”
We squeezed each other…
Hiro wanted to spend the night but I asked him to go home…
He reminded me of a puppy walking away with his tail between his legs..
17th July 2007
I had almost forgotten the important day due to my erratic, idiotic behavior … HIRO’S BIRTHDAY!!!!
How could I have forgotten? I was adequately panicked and distracted, thinking about the present…
I was even quite way yard in the library then my eye roving over some books, caught ‘jeffrey archer’.
I thought the characters in his books resembled Hiro so…
I decided to give him one of his books. But the hardest part was to select the one which he would like to read-‘the eleventh commandment’ came to my mind …
Hiro was outdoorsy in nature so I had doubts about him reading it…
I was racking my brains so much that at this time nothing was coming to my mind…
I thought I would go mad thinking about it, so I went to the attic to find something which I could maybe fiddle with n give it to him……
Cobwebs n a thin film of dust greeted me with crinkly smiles. Sunlight coming through the window caught the shadowy dust particles in it, something was glinting in the light-I came closer…
A chipped blue stone, the size of pebble, encrusted into a wooden box was sitting there, I had never seen it.
When I opened the lid a very familiar tune startled me …
“time after time”
………………
The song was ending…’time after time’…
It was a year ago, we were at school, on the rooftop….
… I had liked the song and wondered aloud which song it was, when Hiro reminiscently that it was a very old song… ‘time after time’, he had said it was his favorite ….
……………………..
How was it here??? The box even reflected Hiro’s personality!!!
This wonderful music box…!
I took it in my room n carefully put it with the book …
Casually, I slipped out the subject of the wooden box when mom n i were sitting…
“how long a time has it been!!! Its been a bit more than two decades…. It brings back so many memories…! “
“ but who was it given to? I remember hearing it when I was a kid,…”
“hahaha.. yes! You were fascinated with the box and I think you liked the melody very much, too!
it was a very precious gift from someone special, to your father…”
it was a very precious gift from someone special, to your father…”
I pressed for the person but she wouldn’t budge…
I asked her whether it was alright to have it with me and she said,”ah! ..
I think she would like you to have it! So its ok… “ and smiled..
I wondered who ‘she’ was…
……………..
The orange cake wasn’t going well. I had started out correctly but I didn’t know what had gone wrong…
Mom was a bit shocked n quite angry to see the mess I had created but I pushed her to go out n I didn’t need help with the cake.
Finally at about eleven forty, I was satisfied with the cake!! It was really turning out all right!!
After three failed attempts, I felt so high with the result…
Finally in twenty minutes, I would greet him!! In the meantime, I finished off what was remaining and tried to clean up most of the disorder in the kitchen…with excitement in my heart mounting with each second ticking by…
18th july 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I shouted at the receiver..
Hiro said,” oh that’s annoying! Don’t shout!!!!”
I just laughed at that, I felt light-headed, it was midnight! J I wished him first this time!!! The icing on the cake of remaining though, Hiro just told me to not stay up unnecessarily and we bid goodnight to each other…
… The clock ticked sluggishly, I had finished the icing finally ! Now, for a little nap. I didn’t have the strength to go up to my room.. So I thought I would wake up after some minutes n then head upstairs… ah my eyelids dropped like lead…
Someone was shaking me very vigorously….. I muttered, ‘Hiro’. And I heard a voice say sternly- MIKAN!! My eyes snapped open to see mom standing over me. OH! I remembered I was making Hiro’s birthday cake!! I guess I slept in the kitchen after completing it!! Saori nee was chuckling mockingly in the corner… while I stuffed down breakfast; she commented with a huge depressed sigh that Hiro was very lucky….
I looked over at her, with lifted eyebrows.
“What’s with the skepticism?? It’s the truth! You never used to do these kind of things before!”
I sagely replied to her that the reason was I hadn’t met Hiro before, had i?? and she was wrong. It was me who was lucky…
I was so impatient to get to school that I choked when I washed down the toast with milk… I said to myself shouldn’t I be careful??! Everyone was amused to see my fidgeting fingers grab the school bag n stuff….
FINALLY I reached school. Quickly throwing the shoes in the locker n hopping into my indoor shoes, I reached our class, rattled open the door. Gasping for breath, having a stitch in my side, I saw Hiro at first with a stunned expression, then it broke into hilarious laughter…. Ah!
“your cheeks are flaming red!!” n his mirth doubled up…. Oh dear! I felt so embarrassed!! Then he guided my head to his chest, hiding my face from everyone else.. he whispered,” now we don’t want everyone to see that cute face, do we??”
how he mocked me!!
I was distracted throughout lessons and lunch break brought relief from it….. I grabbed Hiro n ran as fast as I could, pulling him rather aggressively with me, to the roof… again I kept on wheezing and fighting for breath…
I held up the cake box. Blinking his eyes rather rapidly, he accepted and opened it.
He said,”OH!! did Minako nee tell you that I liked orange??”
I denied having asked her which surprised him to quite an extent...
..
After school we went to Hiro’s house, his father had come home especially ( I had asked Hiro to let his parents come to share the cake) for it. Hiro was overwhelmed, he told me that night. They had never celebrated his birthday that way before… he felt very happy… I felt it was the right time now, to give him the most important gift… I asked him to open his hand, n placed the box in it. I said,” open it!!” he opened his eyes, looked at the box n then at me. I told him to go on n open it, very enthusiastically. I don’t know what was on his mind when he saw it because I could only see his eyes widened after seeing the blue stone…
Then he saw that it had a lid.
..
‘Time after time’, started playing… he seemed to have been turned to stone… I became concerned n flitted my hand across his face to touch him as if to wake him up from his dream. But then he looked at me and he seemed to have stamped firmly in his mind that it WAS reality, here.
He got out the words awkwardly – HOW… how did you find? This…?!
I simply smiled at him…
He took me in his arms and said,” I LOVE YOU” and I whispered,” I love you more!!” and chortling, he replied,”now that I cannot agree to!!”
Even the wind was laughing outside…
21st July 2007
Hiro and I went to our meadow. The grass was bristling gently today, even the wind was quite still only giving occasional movements to soothe our sweat.. the motorbike ride was very refreshing. It was a cerulean blue sky spread out above us.
Some rocks jutting out of the ground made natural seats there. Silence was never a problem for us. Only if it became necessary, then we would talk. Hiro was in quite a pensive mood today… he glanced at me as we lay in the grass. I tilted my head to one side, n he seemed like relieving some burden he had had for some days, locked up inside him.
“ I’m sorry.” They took me by disbelief… but I didn’t interrupt him
he seemed even more glad that I hadn’t asked anything, like he had already anticipated my reactions. He continued rather shyly n with some trepidation. “you had to suffer something that horrible because of me. Saki was my problem. I still cant forgive myself that because of me, you were put to suffering and affliction. What can I do to make it so that you don’t endure anymore than this? I wouldn’t even blame you if you left me…”
Awestruck, I gaped at him. Such a heart rending countenance! It could have broken the coldest of ice…calmed the fiercest of winds…
Then it struck my mind. So this was why he had been so uncomfortable sometimes in our silence… ah! So he had come to know that it was Saki, after all
“what is with that???? I have never regretted falling in love with you… I even might have provoked Saki into her actions. But I couldn’t help it. There were many arduous situations but I always reminisce the good times because if the times with you, were to be put against the number of problems, then the time we were together is much more momentous and amazingly special so it weighs down… don’t you already understand that? And also get this clear, no matter how many problems I face- we face, I will never give you up!”
His smile was very protracted just like a dewy dawn…
As if to change the subject, as I was a bit embarrassed by this honest indignation, I asked him,” did you read that book?”
“ah that one- Jeffrey archer one! It’s amazing, I haven’t completed yet..” smiling, he knew I had changed the topic! GAH! When will anything escape his notice!!
“this year will be our last junior high year… what do you want to do? “
He turned his head and looked straight ahead, I waited…
After a while, he said.. “ ..you? English and literature, right?”
“yeah.”
“give me sometime. I still haven’t thought about my ‘future’… I’ll seriously think about it this time..”
I nodded, assenting.
He asked whether I could stay at his place for today… I was quite taken aback… but I said I would call mom and aya…
Aya, as usual, covered up for me and we went to Hiro’s home, with my convincing mom over the phone because she seemed to be quite reluctant… it was settled…
Hiro’s family was home tonight. His mom had prepared soba for dinner. I had stopped by at a nearby fruit stall, to take a watermelon. Hiro was annoyed that I was being formal… { NOTE: whenever a guest goes to anyone’s house, it’s considered polite or customary to bring gifts, especially for the first time. Normally it is considered impolite n offensive to open that gift in front of the one who has presented it.}
It was as if I had another family here, I felt when we had dinner, the cheerful teasing nature of Minako nee and his father towards Hiro , gaiety… a round of beer with Hiro n his father… his careless but lovingly addressing his father as ‘oyaji’… (NOTE: normally otou-san/chan is what kids call their fathers, but as most grow older, mostly boys who have single fathers or who are a bit rebellious call their fathers ‘oyaji’ which means ‘old man’ )
When we were about to retire for the night, Hiro’s dad exclaimed, “ hold on, young lady, you don’t think we’ll let you go with Hiro? You will be going with Minako.”
I was sniggering at Hiro’s expression as he heard it… ah it was priceless..!
Minako nee showed me to her room. It was quite boldly decorated… rock band posters hung over the walls.. an electric guitar was propped on its stand in the corner..
My cell phone beeped- Hiro!
‘Take a bath will you! Don’t forget your daily hygiene in all this excitement… :p…’
SO mean… :/ but I was going to take one without him telling him to… I told Minako nee about it n prepared the bath things while she readied some hot water…
Minako nee had already taken hers before dinner so she told me to take my time because today had been quite exhausting… I nodded n left.
Ah… indeed it was very relaxing-slipping in the hot water watching the wafts of vapour rising in their spiral movements… closing the eyes, I let my body soak up the warmth- it reminded me of Hiro…
Sighing I opened my eyes. A shadow loomed and Hiro called out, ’mikan!!” a shot of blood flowed through me, my body heated up… I asked what he was doing here… he said, “ isn’t that obvious??” ahhh, so that had been his plan!!! I said so to him but he just laughed it off… he said that even he wanted to take a bath… the curtain opened and his careless mocking smile greeted me…my head whipped down but I heard him entering the water… with some dignified indignation I said,” Hiro, what do you think you’re doing didn’t you hear your father??”
“ah, but I wanted to be with you” he said this morosely. And I snapped my head up to see his eyes lowered, his eyelashes resting over his cheek…
Incredibly, we only talked while the water gradually got colder.
We agreed that it had grown quite cold- the bath water. So we came out. I warned him to close his eyes as I got out first. Wrapping my towel around me, I asserted that he could come now… as I faced opposite to let him wrap his towel, he gently encircled his arm around my shoulder and put his head over it.
After that I couldn’t stop myself. Nor did he…
..
..
..
I entered Minako nee’s room a little after three. It had been hard to pull apart but I did it, I saw the point too… so he had come to the room to just drop me… I snuggled into the bed and saw that Hiro had come inside too! I whispered in low tones,” shouldn’t you NOT come here!!?” he waved it off n kissed me, again I melted in him, wanted more, but stopped myself just in time. “good night..” he replied that it wont be a good night… n left…
sometimes Hiro seems quite like a child to me!!....
27th July 2007
Hiro had gone beyond imagination this time!! At midnight, I heard my window tapping. At first I thought it was just a branch but I remembered there were no trees in front of my window! The tapping continued n as I opened the window. I saw Hiro’s grinning face! With a huge smile reluctantly springing on my face, Hiro came in and there were five lilies in a bunch clumsily wrapped together by an orange ribbon.
“what are you doing at this time here???”
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!”
Inspite of myself, I felt incredibly happy!
After a while of comfortable silence he said that he would be leaving. My face had clearly showed that I didn’t want it to be this early… but he said,” I don’t intend to stay here, I’m stopping myself from temptation, you silly girl!” his eyes went to the shorts that I was wearing n I embarrassingly looked down at my feet…
I spent the whole day with Hiro, I had expressed a sudden desire to visit the zoo and the aquarium… he had acquiesced with my wishes n I couldn’t get enough of the time we spent with each other… the aquarium will always remind me of Hiro…the twinkling blue water…the silver fishes,…
We had so much fun!! Cotton candy, the giraffes, monkeys, lions, snakes and tons of others…I loved each moment of it!
Hiro was enjoying too as he had never saw the zoo!!
The dolphins were the amazing…. But somehow, I hoped to see whales. When I was little, I had heard that they could talk even over a distance of 200 km!!!! I wondered if we could do the same?! Hiro and i… but it was a different matter that I didn’t want to part 200 km from him…
A vivid day it was, I perceived certain indescribable things…I acknowledged the infallible truths which I already knew…
As I reviewed, I found out that my thoughts, deeds and basically my existence had become about Hiro, related to Hiro…this had occurred in such a short period of time! It was a vital revelation to me as I plunged back into the memories.
I became even more convinced that without Hiro there was no me…
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