3rd September 2007
The last junior high year is here!!! Everyone is very excited. This year, a special school trip will be held before the cultural festival! The summer break had already sped up and passed like a storm… Hiro still hadn’t told me what he was going to take up after junior high. My patience waning, I reminded him of the question n he said that he was definitely thinking about it.
The exhilaration of our trip to Kamakura made me forget about my impatience with Hiro and together with aya, we started planning how to get around the area. There were so many locations that everyone in the group wanted to visit, that we were quite in a muddle as to the course of the sight-seeing… Aya, as always, with a cool business-like manner sorted out our route, taking into account the site that appealed to each of us. Our starting point was to be Kitakamura station. The areas we would explore were included in a tourist route, Houkukoji where bamboo thickets grew in astounding quantities, was a majority vote to drop in… Enoshima railway, along with the monument of The Great Buddha was another of some riveting regions…
After reaching home and badgering mom about some things needed to be bought for the school trip, I got on the bike armed with the borrowed money… shopping meant a hassle to me.. so generally I avoided it but, since the elation of the field trip was egging me, I braved it…
Hiro was, unfortunately, in a different group than me,
But I would endure it… after all, it was to be a memorable journey with everyone… the feeling of anticipation was reigning high amongst all…
NOTE: Kamakura is a city located in Kanagawa Prefecture, Japan, about 50 kilometres (31 miles) south- south-west of Tokyo.
6th October 2007
Finally, with many cancellations and delays, our trip was getting started!!!!
It was the first time I was riding the Shinkansen, it enthralled me!!!
Mom had been touchy with no reason comprehensible to me, about the Kamakura trip… she bid me goodbye with a grumpy expression…which was awkward and puzzling in itself as she never complained openly…
Our first stop was Tokyo!!!!! But it was very disappointing that we were not going to stay there…
Still going over mom’s irritable face, I was, admittedly, a bit distracted through the Shinkansen ride.
The final bus ride took us to Kamakura, from Tokyo.
Aya and the others were playing the Kanji game (the first person says a word, the next in turn will tell a word which starts with the same kanji, which was the last, in the previous word. Something which is similar to scrabble but played verbally.)
My mind wandering over mom’s troubled face, the ears heard the words mechanically, as the girls recited them… “watermelons”, it stuck in my head involuntarily. After a minute of continuous wordplay, someone said, “obaa-chan”. Unconsciously, the terms juggled in my senses, stringing them together, a faded memory clouded my mind…
‘here, mikan!! Take it…’, obaa-chan said. the strange fruit which was very contrasting in colour with bottle green skin and blood red flesh, had very curiously small black insects or shells of insects inside that flesh, it was, incredibly, very hard to hold, being too heavy… if I dropped it, being afraid of those black insects, there was no telling what obaa-chan would do… I could even get a spanking… cautiously I decided to ask her about it…
She laughed as I narrated my fears to her! With innocent astonishment, I asked her the reason for her laughter.
‘My child… come here…’, I sat on her lap. She removed the black insect n put it on her palm, letting me observe it very carefully. I didn’t know what insects could do, but I had seen them a lot… I simply wanted to touch it, upon knowing more about it, it seemed inanimate…
Amused by my actions, grandma explained to me n I discovered a new fruit called watermelon. The first instant it hit my tongue, I had loved the flavor, such sweetness yet a hidden sharpness rivaling it. It was because of grandma, that I was introduced to watermelons at the tender age of 4… I had folded the memory away in my heart, forgotten it long back. But even today I loved watermelons almost unconsciously…
This memory came back to me like a thunder strike…
As the reminiscences flooded into me, the summer vacations spent with obaa-chan, searching cicadas, trying to catch their shells, watermelon seed spitting competitions between grandma and dad…
And now I finally remembered!!!!!!!! That music box which was in our attic; It was with grandma!!!! I had stumbled upon it in her room and loved to hear the tune which flowed harmoniously through the air…
She must have gifted it to dad or mom sometime ago……….!!
Ah! The flooding memories!!
How I used to look forward to summer vacations as a kid!!! But then as if a curtain had fallen over that shining stage, I remembered that suddenly one year, mom n dad stopped going to grandma’s home.
Unknown to reason, I had kept writing to grandma for some years but as she never used to reply, the habit had waned with time.
Another memory shot through the mind.
I now understood the significance of something I had witnessed then…
……………………………………………….
-Dad was fighting with obaa-chan, I wanted to interrupt them to ask about something, but I was petrified as grandma was very strict n her warning of never interrupting two elders when they are speaking, rang rather clearly in my mind. So I just stood frozen behind the door.
“mom, try to understand, I needed that money!!!”
“ Yamanouchi*, you know it was precious to your father, don’t you?? I had protected with my heart n soul, all that your father had left after he died…
{*mikan’s father’s name.}
Why did you sell it off? Even without consulting me?? Do you not want your father’s name to stay on?”
“dad IS staying on and will always be remembered in my memories, is there a need to attach him with a piece of land?
Anyway, I needed the money very urgently, otherwise, I would not have thought of selling it…”
“it seems we have a difference of opinions, I trusted your judgment so I let the land papers slide in your capacity…..
But knowing now what you have done with it, abusing the trust with which I had granted you the possession of that land,
It seems you… you have no love left for your father.” Her face became very sour with anger and dislike.
“ To disgrace him by committing such an action;… I will never forgive you!” her hand whipped in the air, her long n beautiful yellow-checkered yukata, swishing irately off the floor, she whirled to show her son, the strong iron back of hers…
“ You are no longer welcome in my house…”
Dad had his eyebrows knitted in horror and disbelief with an undertone of controlled anger. With the realization of her words… he left the room, stomping off to pack up…
As I recalled the event, I immediately thought that this was the obvious line of thought, the grandma that I knew, would take… it was so typical of her to feel attached to grandpa and hold his things dear to her heart. She had been highly regarding traditions all her life. I had sorely missed grandma, her loving house, the musty n cobwebbed attic… such nostalgia filled me…
And as the bus neared our hotel, it finally came to me.
We used to travel by the ferry then;
because grandma lived in Kamakura…
7th October 2007
The half-closed serene eyes stared at me n I felt belittled.
These phlegmatic eyes, however, did nothing whatsoever to dispel the parasitic thoughts in my head…
We were at the monument of the Great Buddha, most of the morning was energetic n chirpy, but I found it too noisy for my taste. Actually I wanted to sit some place quiet and think what I should do-about grandma… her image was eating away at my heart.
I felt acutely grateful when a chance of respite came in the form of a break before moving forward with our tour.
Hiro broke through the crowd, but I simply stood rooted at the place, lost in the chaos raging in me, vaguely aware that Hiro was coming.
As he came in front of me, I intended to tell him that I had some serious issue n needed to think, I hadn’t even started speaking, that he grabbed my arm and set off in the shade of a nearby tree.
To comply with Hiro had become an instinct. So I unambiguously followed. I had an inkling of what he wanted to say. So after he stopped, I felt utterly compelled to tell him all that had been on my mind. He listened with every shred of concentration which could be mustered.
A minute ticked and he exhaled sharply.
“Mikan, why are you acting dumb to the obvious solution to all of this? Even you know what must be done… you already know it and yet you are masquerading behind your indecisiveness. What are you afraid of? Your parents? Your grandma? Aren’t these just futile, their reactions? Isn’t your love for your obaa-chan greater than that? What makes me feel perturbed is your knowledge of the correct action but your cowardice in acting over it!!!
Sakura Mikan, are you in your right mind?”
These heavy words hung in the air, the silence weighed over my heart…
A time elapsed.
“come on, we are going. Do you remember your grandma’s address?”
My eyes shot up. Again Hiro had caught me off guard. His impulsive actions, sometimes, I … … … … never saw reason in them!!
But it was only the truth, what he had pointed out blatantly…
I sighed but also took a new deep breath. Placing my hand in his, I said, “I remember the house but we’ll have to ask the oji-san who works at a small store near her house, because it’s a complicated way, going into the forest…”
His eyebrows rose n I let out a muffled snigger…
..
..
The oji-san had kindly mumbled about a shortcut. My apprehension about going with the shortcut only strengthened Hiro to go ahead n take that path…. I sighed in resignation, seeing the determined eyes..
With a quarter of an hour of apprehensive ensuing of the rambling path, the tired but prominent, cogent and formidable roof stood out. I thought predictably of how little change had taken place…
Dark wooden gates warning trespassers stopped our path. There seemed to be a huge bell. Hiro sprung forward n rung it for some seconds.
It was as if the forest was coming on me all at once, the silence was killing me!
A slight tweak then a creak cracked loudly through the air. The huge doors swung open and a girl, who must have been near our age, greeted us. I was expecting to be questioned about my identity but she silently told us to accompany her.
As could be foretold, nothing had changed, except there being a curious sort of weariness in these familiar surroundings.
The shoji was of the selfsame, vintage n venerable cream background with floral patterns in navy blue over it, decorated with gold embellishments.
The door rattled ominously and a clichéd n hackneyed figure lay over the futon, as if wasting away with time.
I ran over to her side and she stirred to open her eyes.
For quite a length of time, she blinked… her hand floated then gently touched my face and a crinkly, regenerated smile lit her face.
The voice full of wonder n love, called out to me.
I could see why this house had appeared to hold a tone of exhaustiveness. My beloved obaa-chan, she had started to suffer the pangs of old age, alone. And no one knew better than me, how it felt to endure alone.
“Why didn’t you tell us??? Dad would have flown down here. Even if they don’t write, we all miss you! I write letters to you but you never respond to any… why are you still holding a grudge over some faded reason?” I waited for her trumped up reasons, with quite a degree of annoyance.
But surprisingly she muttered something completely unrelated to my query!!
“Mikan! You have really grown up…”
I waited, the anger still not abated….
…
…
She sighed as if yielding to my youthful, stubborn anger.
“It is the pride and ego … of an elder mortal; it prevented me to contact you. It was, admittingly cruel of me, to make you hurt. After all you, my dear grandchild, I love you, I have missed not talking to you all these years, missed watching you grow up into the beautiful woman you have become…
..
I thought that I would die here, in the same place as your grandpa, in his memory. My punishment would be to die without ever meeting my kin… but maybe my dying wish has brought you here today…
I listened to these comforting words as I absorbed obaa-chan’s face. Her countenance had been like iron but it had melted now, leaving behind a shaky framework.
Right then n there, I made my adjudication.
I excused myself from the room. The corner of my eye caught Hiro smoothly taking up the seat beside grandma.
I made my way through the branches and snapped open my cell phone. Dialing the number, it started ringing. Patience and silence, as I waited for the person to pick up… no one answered. But I didn’t give up, I tried a second time, the ringing echoing in my empty mind. If I was correct, then mom had not informed this person about the destination of our field trip.
..
Dad picked up n I started, not giving him a chance to do small talk.
“Our school field trip has gone to Kamakura.”
I heard the crackle of the network. No exclamation had escaped from his mouth.
“I... I’m at uhh.. I’m at grandma’s house.”
The expected protest never came. I could feel dad getting warm by the neck...
“It is very selfish of me, but I want you and mom to come here. Meet grandma.”
Then it came, the expected denying answer- a lie.
“Impossible! What is there to talk about?”
“If you love her, then you’ll come. So I know you will. Until you do, it’s ‘impossible’ for me to return home too.”
He spluttered with indignation.
“I know it’s rather childish n I’m sorry to blackmail you like this but I promise you. You will not regret the visit.”
The awkward crackling continued n I knew I had hit the nail on the head...
So I said an expectant ‘I’ll be waiting for you both!’ to him n hung up.
Loosening my stiff shoulders, I made my way back towards the house.
Hiro looked up hastily and I gave a reassuring smile. It was going to follow through. They would unquestionably come…
9th October 2007
They still hadn’t come.
..
.
It was unfathomable! WHY WEREN’T THEY COMING?
Surely they understood the situation, didn’t they? How inevitable it was? Grandma was dying, it was time, wasn’t it clear to them?
..
Grandma’s health was deteriorating quite at an alarming rate now. We had called up our teacher n explained the situation to him for our prolonged stay. He was worried but let us off.
Grandma told me stories, recalling her ‘good old days’ with grandpa as she called them… I listened with attention, these fragile recollections she had, feeling that she was passing her treasure over to me in the hope that I may someday pause n think of them, of her; let her memories and life continue in me…
She had asked about Hiro and commented,” I’m happy, mikan! You seem to have done well with yourself!” n I chuckled looking at Hiro’s back as he sat humming a song…
Her creeping parasitic weakness didn’t stop. She grew closer to Death. I could only stand by n see her in pain, watch her staring at the worn out walls, thinking undoubtedly of dad, and her wish of meeting him. When I voiced her thoughts she would brush it away n begin to sing my praises- of how I had become very caring, insightful and wise… but I shook my head with tears every time she finished off her rant…
I wondered if there was a four leafed clover existed in her beautiful and prim garden… I had heard a myth in my childhood that if you find such a clover, whatever you wish upon it, will come true. So I spent the afternoon, searching for one. Every grass blade thoroughly checked, no four leafed clover greeted my hope.
When I told Hiro, I expected him to laugh, but he straight away started to look for it too!
..
Disappointment over the unfruitful search, wouldn’t shake my belief over the myth…
I hope grandma will recover soon.
11th October 2007
Her health was at the worst point this morning. She kept on saying to me that it was time to go, but I wasn’t ready to let go. I pleaded with her to hold on, keep hope.
The faint broad sound of the bell came, startling everyone. I leapt up, ran down the stairs, like a whirlwind towards the gate.
Opening it, dad’s worried face with mom by his side, made me give a cry out of happiness.
“Hurry!! She’s getting worse even as we speak!!”
They wanted to say something but I turned my back.
As we entered, Hiro got up to make way. There was something agitated in his eyes. I got stressed and went over to grandma.
“obaa-chan, look dad has come!!!!”
No.. she wasn’t responding.. how could it be?
I continued trying to wake her up.
Hiro came. With a gentle force, he tried to withdraw my hand. I looked at him. Had it already finished? Her time, the one she talked about, that had come near?
I let him guide me. Just like a puppet; because I felt lifeless.
What had happened…
WHY?
…
“She won’t wake up.”
“oh. I see”
Hiro looked alarmed to see the expression on my face. His face broke n it was very painful. Maybe it was like a mirror?
…
In her garden, the serene water kept on flowing amongst the gory bushes..meandering in its path , as her soul had…
12th October 2007
A funeral was held. Grandma was covered in her favorite freesias and cyclamens… her choice of flowers imitated her character.
I couldn’t run away from the truth any longer, watching her like that.
..
Everyone just shook hands n said they were sorry. Sorry for what? Had grandma died because of them? No! so why were they apologizing?
..
Everyone had gone. I slumped down over grandma’s grave. A hand touched my shoulder. But it wasn’t Hiro, so I let it pass n ignored. It was, after all, just another sympathetic hand…
Mom squatted down beside me. Dad was also there, maybe.
I hoped he could hear what I was going to say.
“Why didn’t you come?”
She said nothing.
No one said anything.
“Maybe that IS the problem. No one ever says nothing… you both are content with what happens, the way it happens…
WHY DIDN’T YOU COME SOONER?” I screamed.
“She was waiting for you!!! She wanted to meet you, talk with you; remember the past days… together with you…”
Dad silently came near me.
“The truth is- we were hesitating. but No reason is valid. They are just excuses…
Would you believe me if I said sorry?”
The tears quietly dripped…
He hugged me, and I just ranted ‘if only you had come sooner…’
But dad took it all in. I knew I was throwing a tantrum, that no one could be blamed for her death, that it was childish to behave so… but I couldn’t help it.
Grandma was never going to hold me ever again…
15th October 2007
Grandma’s house-so many precious memories in every space in it…
I promised myself that I would visit it every summer vacation, with dad n mom.
As we left for Tokyo, the final goodbye, I bid with bitter-sweet feelings…to grandma….
She would be alive in me, I promised her that.
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