23rd November 2007
School had been very interesting. As this was the last year for us, hidden feelings of love had sprung in most of my classmates…
It was amusing to watch girls advance on guys in ‘packs’ and try to converse… it was nostalgic as well, to remember my feelings of Hiro when they had first blossomed… watching the girls get together with guys…
Soon it would be graduation ceremony…junior high would be over… but I would always remember it because it was when I met Hiro… it was the time when I changed eternally…
Such recollections always made me humble n grateful for this life… and they also made me numb so I jumped in shock as a gentile tap brought me back, as I whipped around to see the source of this disturbance, sniggering came to my ears, Hiro was standing muffling his laughter…
After a moment’s surprise, I too, began laughing…
He came to sit beside me. After a while, he said, “I have something to tell you. Remember your question about my favorite subject? I thought about it but to tell you the truth, I couldn’t grab anyone subject that fascinated me… usually I find any kind of ‘study’ very boring… because it doesn’t really need much effort, so I would rather that I handle emotions, because they need some effort and they can often be very complex. For example, when I read that book of Jeffrey archer’s, I found it engrossing because it dealt with patriotism, love of family, principles… it was something that I don’t see in real life, it was also something that has been forgotten in the general sense.
So, you understand right???”
I must have had some of the skepticism which was in my mind, showing over my face…
But I tried to cover it up and said, “yeah! I understand.”
After that I was lost in thought for quite a time, so I didn’t notice Hiro’s fidgeting fingers…
Something was disturbing me in thinking; I noticed then, Hiro’s restlessness in the silence… feeling a little edgy myself, I hesitantly caught his eye and stared questioningly…
He took the cue. “ummmm… I was kind of , thinking that, uh, I had this crazy idea, that you and I, that we would go for senior high together…”
The fog of uncertainty cleared.
“oh! Yeah of course! I’ll try my hardest to study, you still haven’t decided your choice of senior high, right? But with your capability, I think even Toudai* wouldn’t be hard!! {NOTE: * Toudai is a very famous university in Japan, where top class elite students gain admission.}
“umm, actually, I thought of going to a uh.. Tokyo senior high!! I, I have already found out about one there! Uh! I was turning over in my mind since some time… so I was wondering whether you would like to come?”
I , at first, couldn’t fathom his words, I heard them but I was still churning them and extracting the meaning in it. But I couldn’t understand it! He meant that we were going to study in Tokyo!! But why so sudden? Why Tokyo? The main question was – how were we going to live there?
I didn’t have enough courage to spout out the rapid questions, but I think he already anticipated them because of his knowledge of me, so he began to explain quite clumsily…which marred strongly from the usually confident Hiro.
“ I know its sudden for you, but I have been thinking carefully about it for these weeks… I think renting an apartment would be the best solution as the school provides no boarding lodges… and about the fees, it’s not heavy. Our daily expenses, weeeellll, for that, I thought that I would take care of that with part-time jobs, so ummmm… “ I heard him gulping, he had been on extreme tenterhooks…
I gaped at him!
“y..you mean that, you mean to say is that, uh, we , we are going to live together????”
“……………. Yeah..” and he pursed his lips with hesitancy…
Raising my eyebrows, I said, “do you think my parents would allow us? What about yours? “
“don’t worry about them, I will handle them.” He said with a hint of impatience and a ‘get-on-with-it!-I-already-expected-that…’ kind of attitude.
Still evading the point, I asked, “your parents, don’t they want you to inherit their shop? What if they have other plans?”
“ah, I’ll discuss it… no worries…” again it had a grown bite of impatience…and disappointment…
Awkwardly, I said, “ but what if my parents have other plans for me?”
“But they won’t mind so much if you…!! “ he exhaled sharply and tried to calm down the anxiety-ridden voice of his. “are you trying to escape it? I want your answer, that’s all that is important to me!!!”
This outburst was laced with all the impatience I had caused in him…
I expected this too. Hiro wasn’t the type of person to go round about things… my head felt heavy, I bowed my head.
……………
“I understand.” He said in a would-be calm voice, masking his emotions-his inability to understand, the impatience because of it and his mounting anger.
“ I’ll wait for you.”
Turning his back, he clunked down the stairs, leaving me on the roof.
…
It was all swirling inside my head. A whirlwind had formed. A whirlpool would have been better…. At least in that, there was a hole at the end to drain away all the clogged thoughts… but in this cesspool, everything seemed too squashed.
I kept on sighing the whole day, thinking through it.
Inevitably, I began to spend lesser n lesser time with Hiro. Most of the time, it was me alone. That’s what made Sayuri-chan concerned about me. I needed someone to talk to, it was very necessary for my mental health. It would also be prudent to talk with someone with whom I wasn’t much acquainted with. The need was hard to understand but instinctive. When Sayuri-chan came to my rescue, I felt like my prayers were answered. As I poured everything out, she listened attentively. She was very calm and broad-minded about it and I let my guard down in front of her because of that. But what she said came as a surprise for me. “But won’t he be with you all the time? It would be fine if you’re with him, right?” she said enthusiastically.
But that was exactly the problem… it wasn’t as simple as she had put it...Yes; it certainly, WASN’T as easy as that…
27th November 2007
My brain felt utterly exhausted, heavy; as if someone was frying it and keeping it in the sun to dry…. I kept sighing relentlessly these days… silly of me but I couldn’t escape the result of this constant worrying…
These nagging worries were eating me up.
To tell myself the truth, to face it straightforward, I was afraid to go and live alone in an unknown city, leaving the comforts of the family, living and depending on myself. The idea in itself was obviously exciting but I wasn’t one those fools who come to their senses to acknowledge the cons of their own decision only after taking it and having done with the execution… I was trying to be as pragmatic as I could, about this decision. I had to applaud at Hiro’s thoroughness and deep information , his impressive knowledge of everything; surely I would be alright, if I were with Hiro?
After a lot of thought, I arrived at my main apprehension- I was afraid to let myself be entirely in the hands of Hiro. What if he left me? What if he began to love someone else? I hadn’t complete trust on him. There were still those walls that I had to overcome for letting myself trust one of the opposite sex.
It boiled down to this- I had to trust Hiro blindly. I had to overcome this final hurdle to be together with him…
Was I to be naïve and innocent with Hiro, trust him, let myself be with him? Or was I fine as the tough headed tomboy that I was? Would it be correct to trust a guy with myself? In all the entirety?
Would I have the courage to go against my parents if they didn’t permit and support my departure to Tokyo? Was I foolish enough to leave my lifetime of blood relation and go along with Hiro who had met me 3 years ago? Was only trust enough; enough to face all the challenges that came our way? Everything that I had read, listened to or seen indicated it was sheer stupidity to trust another person especially one of the male species… dating was fine as far as intimacy and travelling were concerned but to actually go and live with a man, was terrifying…would I be able to keep up? Would we break apart easily? The weak coward that I was, I would never be able to balance it with studies…
‘to be or not to be, that is the question.’ Twisting this notorious little phrase, I thought, “to do or not to not to do, that is the question” indeed!
The odds of agreeing to Hiro’s idea, had as slim a chance to win, as a sun rising at midnight…
…
1st December 2007
After a week of sleepless nights, it was very alleviating and satisfying to have come to a decision…
The odds … it was all about the odds!!! What favoured them and what went against them…
But finally, the conclusion was relieving, the grey time of indecision was wreaking havoc in the mind and I felt so much better after choosing the answer.
It really was easy to be sheltered… my family is extremely important for me. Nothing will take their place, I thought as I was preparing, as if, for a battle, I armed myself with the necessary equipment… it seemed apt at that moment…
I took deep breaths as I made my way to Hiro’s house.
Waiting at the doorstep, he opened the door and shock crossed his face. Hastily he invited me in.
All the usual pleasantries done with, I was seated in Hiro’s room, trying to find a good opening to relate this decision.
I saw for the second time, Hiro’s nervous twitching fingers, he had been taken by surprise but he had covered it up very impressively. He must have been on tenterhooks for all these days…
But he had said nothing, n today too, he said nothing, waiting for me to initiate it.
I cleared my throat and he jerked up. His eyes, I saw them.
Then I knew I had made the right decision.
“Hiro,” I let out the nervous breaths n continued. “uh, I have decided about the question you asked me- about going to Tokyo.”
I bowed my face downwards as I didn’t have the courage to see his expression after I would tell him.
Closing my eyes, I said,” Hiro, onegaishimasu! I’ll be in your care!! Please take me to Tokyo with you!!!”
I kept my head down. But time was relenting on…. There was no sound; it was as if someone had stopped time. I debated with my cowardice and peeked up…
They were the widest blue, the widest I had ever seen! But they were unblinking – Hiro himself had stopped…
Inhaling sharply with worry, I sat in front of him, but he never moved.
Then, tenderly, my palm seemed to have made him blink… and he was looking at me, stupefied…
“is it that hard to believe???”, I asked dipping my chin with disbelief.
Blinking rather rapidly several times, he swayed his head… I took that as a ‘yes’…
“I… I thought th.. that you wouldn’t accept n s…s…. so I was planning to take my words back, even though it was very hard to do so..
BUT you….!!! Y… you really surprised me… with your answer!!!!!!”
Smirking, I said, “you know what? I even surprised myself with it!!!”
And we began to laugh….
3rd December 2007
As we already knew, the hardest hurdle was going to be MY PARENTS…
Dad would unnecessarily cause problems…. He would put some test or something similarly moronic for Hiro- this was my dreading thought….
So Hiro came at the appointed hour in the evening with a formal dress.
I think dad already had a foreboding about something big, what with Hiro’s formal appearance and all, but he seemed relaxed which was puzzling me…
Hiro had finally got to the point after the small talk. I was kind of, in apprehension, watching dad’s composed face.
Now mom was reacting just as I had hoped- her frequent worried interruptions were fathomable but what came as a baffling mystery was dad calming her and at occasion, telling her to be quiet. I’m sure Hiro was as taken aback with dad’s take on this as I was, the only difference was that he was concealing it…
Pursing my lips, I hesitantly asked, “ummmm,
Dad?? H..Ho..Ho… uh so s…s…so….so…..like Hiro said, how do y…. you feel about us going to T….t....Tokyo and enroll in a high school there???”
Retreating back after throwing the concise question as courageously as I could, though it hadn’t gotten out that way, I waited with bated breath as did Hiro.
The composure didn’t slip off. He heaved a sigh but I couldn’t understand the emotion behind it…
“Hiro-kun, I had some inkling of a major announcement when you asked us to meet you. Hearing your suggestion, your reasons of wanting to be independent and wanting to handle life as it comes with mikan, I have heard all of this.”
He had blinked gravely at the beginning and when he said ‘suggestion’, I thought with a sinking feeling that the ship was NOT sailing in the right direction. Slumping the shoulders, I saw Hiro’s fist tightening out of the corner of my eye.
Dad sighed heavily.
“but after the careful assessment of everything until now, keeping in mind all that has happened I have come to this conclusion.
..
I think you will take care of my daughter quite well.”
He slowly smiled with confidence.
I stared, my mouth gaping.
“oi! Mikan! What are you keeping your mouth open for? Should I throw bait in it?” and he roared with laughter at his lame joke.
“but why are you , you’re agreeing with us so easily???!”
“ then do you want me to disallow you?” his eyebrow shot up with sarcasm.
“NO!!” I answered; quick as an arrow.
Humor or otherwise I wouldn’t have dreamt of wanting him to change his mind.
“mikan, I think you have changed since the last couple of years. It is such an enormous change, that everyone has been forced to take notice of it, including myself.” he peered over me affectionately.
“I know that you must have weighed all our emotions, yours n the pros n cons of the situation. So, I respect your decision.”
And he gave a grim benign smile as rare as a blue moon….
My heart was soaring with the wind!!! I rode this high vigorously…
The beads of happiness were adding up…
4th December 2007
It was my turn to visit Hiro’s house, I hoped it would breeze past with his parents too…
"tsumaranai mono desu ga…demo…", I said haltingly to Hiro’s mother, presenting her the chugen. Everyone welcomed me warmly as I sat in the living room. Drinks were poured. We all got around the komatsu except Minako-nee and Hiro’s kaa-chan. Minako-nee called out from the kitchen a careless ‘hello’ while preparing the dinner…
It was a bit disorienting- this informality…
After having appeased the stomachs, Hiro’s dad opened the talk,
“so my dear mikan, Hiro says that you both wanted to talk about something? Tell me…”
“hai..”, I replied shyly.
His kindness gave me the confidence to go on.
“ we were hoping to enter a senior high school together in… Tokyo!!”
A sharp intake of breath rang alarming bells through my mind, his eyebrows had shot up and had faintly knitted together in the middle. His widened eyes looked at me with disbelief. Once I had been happy to be in disbelief but this which was staring at me was one without happiness.
Hiro’s father began, “but?! When did you? … who…? Hiro?” his eyes now turned swiftly away from me n bore into Hiro.
“yes, father. We want to live together and independently…”
Something made me fear Hiro’s straightforwardness..
Was this right?
His father shook his head like an elephant shaking off flies from his head……
“Hiro, why did you suddenly think of this?
i…
I’ m not sure about this.
Are you not thinking clearly?”
“on the contrary, I’m thinking very clearly indeed! I have taken into account every possibility and then taken this decision.”
“ but Hiro!! You may not be ready for this step yet!! Aren’t you a little too young??”
“father, I don’t think it’s a question of being young or old. I know that I will do my best.”
As if thinking this point of no importance, he waved it off. “yes yes!”
Now he became grave.
“Hiro, if it was only you, then I would have let you go. But this time you have mikan’s responsibility, as well.”
Hiro began to say, “but the last…”
But his father interrupted him, “the last time you were with us. This time you tell me of doing everything alone! For god’s sake, you’re only 15 years old!!”
“dad, I’ll be sixteen then…” Hiro pointed out.
I had an absurd desire to laugh. What was wrong with me?
His father sighed heavily. “Hiro I know you will be stubborn. Once you decide something you don’t let it go easily…. But keep in mind that I’m not happy with your decision.”
It felt a negative dismissal to us.
Minako-nee tried to lighten the atmosphere a bit to no end. I avoided dinner by excusing myself to go home early. Normally they would have stopped me but today, everyone thought it was best to let the barking dogs lie when they became silent…
Hiro was silent all through the way for which I was grateful. There was too much on our plate n we needed to think of what to do next.
I didn’t realize when we reached my home.
“then, bye. Oyasumi!”
I nodded an ‘Oyasumi’ and dragged my feet over the steps. As I waited over the door after ringing the doorbell, suddenly I felt a yawning to want to talk to him. As the thought ran through my mind, mom had already opened the door. I snapped out of it n hastily told her to wait a minute. Running out the gates, the wind encouraging me in my ears, I shot out the deserted street. He could still be on the way to the station, right? If I was fast enough, I could catch him!
…
Gasping for breath, I fell over my knees. As I checked the digital board, the last train in the Aomori Line had left a minute ago. I cursed.
Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I jumped as my phone rang…
MOM flashed across the screen. I took it and heard her worried voice telling me to come home right that moment.. I told her to calm down n that I was coming immediately.
Rest of the way, I regretted not speaking with him. I felt that if I didn’t tell him today, the moment would be gone.
..
Flopping down on the bed, I sighed. Again after a minute, I sighed. Burying my head in the hands, I exhaled the nervy breath.
He still hadn’t given the usual message of reaching home safely. I wondered what the matter was. Feeling on edge, I contemplated calling him, hesitating, opening the flap, then closing it…
Finally, I pressed the call button and waited impatiently…
“Mikan? What happened?” came the deep voice.
“ uh, sorry to call you this late, but you still hadn’t messaged me that you reached home., so I called to ask.. Umm…”
I jumped off my bed to walk around the room to placate my impatience.
“Oh! I didn’t message because I still haven’t reached home!”
“What? Then where are you?? Are you in any trouble??”
My voice rose up a notch which must have alarmed him.
“Calm down Mikan!!! I’m fine. Stop pacing !!”
“Huh? How? How did you know..?”
Was he psychic?
A chuckle crackled over the phone and I went up to the window to open it and feel the wind to calm myself.
“That’s the power of love…” and he chuckled again. As I was about to open the latch, a knock echoed. Whipping the curtains, his face filled my vision n my eyes popped out!
He choked out a grin while chortling at my expression and I hurried to open the window.
“How the heck are you here?!
I ran all the way to the station to find you! The last train had left already!”
A grimace souring his grinning face, he tapped my head.
“Hmmm… you... why did you risk to go out alone? It’s not safe at night…stupid!”
Chuckling at my still bewildered face, he said, “isn’t it rather too simple? I never took the train!!”
He grinned ear to ear, his humor restored…
“B…Bu…But! I was there n I never saw you!!!”
“I was at one of the vending machines. Obviously, I couldn’t go… after seeing that expression of yours…” he tossed his head with a gruffness to which I secretly smiled..
“You could have told me!! “
Laughing, he added,”then I wouldn’t have seen such a cute expression on your face!!!!”
Geez!!
But now that he was here, I felt hesitant to broach the subject…
…
Squatting down, he said,” about my parents, it’s ok! We will convince them! You’re sure about your choice, right?”
I nodded vigorously and said, “YES!!”
he smiled widely and continued,” I’ve already found a good cram school* so if you’ll come, we will register ourselves tomorrow.”
*Cram schools or Juku {as called in Japan} are specialized schools that train their students to meet particular goals, most commonly to pass the entrance examinations of high schools or universities.
”yes of course I’ll come!!!”
“ah! Also, regarding the living place, I still haven’t started looking but maybe both of us could look together?!”
“Maybe, Saori-nee can help us out. She rents an apartment in Tokyo…”
“Whoa! Didn’t know that!! It would be amazing if she could help us!!”
Silence fell, but the whirring thoughts made me fidgety.
“Ummmm, Hiro what if.. your parents were to, not agree…?”
“I told you that I will convince them!!! Don’t worry!”
The real problem for me was- what if they didn’t agree and stopped all contact with him, would he lose his family? Gulping, I remembered his father’s stubborn discouraging expression… I had the feeling that Hiro received that stubbornness from his father…
But I refrained from putting forth the question…
What was going to happen with things messed up in this way???
23rd December 2007
With cram school along with junior high, it really had been hectic. Moreover, constant visits to Hiro’s house to convince his parents took up most of my time… Hiro insisted on tutoring me on math too, completely blocking any further free time I had.
Hiro’s father now had kept the stubbornness aside because of my worried outbursts of cutting contact completely due to difference of opinions.
“Hiro, I expect you will turn all my fears wrong! Though I’m still not happy about you going…” had been his words on the umpteenth meeting… but at least he had permitted us to go to Tokyo…
…
In the flow of things, we still hadn’t forgotten. It was Christmas Eve night, tomorrow…
24th December 2007
We reached the garden near my house. On the way, we bought a wreath of the only yellow flowers available in the season-lilies…
The yellow gloves were hand knitted by Hiro, and the usual stocking full of chocolates was with me.
Hiro cleaned the bed and made the grave. Then we laid our gifts to the baby and prayed that he would be happy. I told him that come what may, I would be with Hiro, forever… and that I missed him everyday…
Slipping his hand into mine, Hiro and I walked away, silent tears dropping over the footprints left behind by us…
7th January 2008
New Year’s dawn saw a pink and golden sun rising to the horizon, It had been imprinted in my brain…
Interestingly, we had Shakespeare quotes in our English language class… I had heard that he was a famous sadist in his writing style… so I didn’t really expect much when they started his works…
Sensei was droning on as usual. And I looked out of the window at my favourite blue sky…
It was ‘rough winds’ that caught my attention. I gave a start and hurriedly searched for the preaching of sensei and found it- Shakespeare’s sonnet 18.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
They said that time snatched beauty, but I agreed with Shakespeare here, so Shakespeare wasn’t as sadistic as I thought! He had written about love.
Hiro had such a beauty which by misfortune or by nature’s planned course wouldn’t deter, which even death cannot claim for his own, because he would live on in his acts and in me eternally, so long as people lived on this earth, so long as the people who knew him and remembered him for his beauty…beauty of character…that would live on.
It was such a wonderful quote and it moved my heart…
I decided I wouldn’t tell Hiro, as we sat on the rooftop for lunch… he would just deny the truth anyway…
I wished lunch periods lasted longer….
16th February 2008
Exams are only a fortnight away so the night creeps and pasts quickly… it’s good to have a break from cram school but it almost doesn’t make a difference because I have to study all the time… one of these days, I’m going to go mad !!
20th march 2008
The spring term ended as the exams finished in the first week of March… it would have meant a relief from stress but the entrance exams were a tougher hurdle to cross. So in vigorous preparation, I spent nights wrapping my head around the harassing devil that was called Math… hiro was spending most of his time tutoring me but it didn’t worry me that he wouldn’t pass the exams, what made me anxiously on edge was whether I could pass them together with him or not…
The entrance exams went well except that the night before them was jittery. At least I didn’t have nosebleeds due to the excess pressure.
Now that freedom from studies was attained, mom was ruthless about spring cleaning… she spared me no personal time. I had a scary thought that she wouldn’t even spare Hiro and avoided calling him at home. But when mom herself suggested him coming here, I panicked and angrily said that wouldn’t it bother him? Ashamed of her request, she retreated, making me feel guilty. Over the phone, Hiro replied that he would be only too happy to help, as I hesitantly asked him of mom’s entreaty.
The rest of my days have been flowing past with uniformity, as every day, I enjoy chores with Hiro and make myself useful to mom.
2nd April 2008
Hiro has started his part-time job a couple of weeks ago, which has made me want to search for a job somewhere… this time it’s a fast-food restaurant. After all, it’s said that the service industry’s thought to be the toughest one to handle. The experience along with the pay will be necessary if I have a wish to live in Tokyo. And even if I don’t get accepted to the school for which I’ve applied, it will be of help to me in the future.
An invitation imprinted with Sakura was what I retrieved from the mail box today. Finally the graduation ceremony was going to be held in a couple of weeks.
18th April 2008
GRADUATION DAY.
It had come incredibly fast. The sakura were blooming everywhere now. We went up the path which was flanked with those sakura on each sides and the wind made their petals dance in the air.
The entrance of the school had a grand banner on it.
AOMORI PREFECTURAL AOMORI HIGH’S 108TH GRADUATION CEREMONY
With nostalgia, I remembered the opening ceremony, the hopes and expectations of that twelve-year old me… These four years in my school had been amazing! Every single moment had taught me a tantamount of knowledge. Slowly I had come to enjoy the time spent here. The people that I had met were going to be with me for life. I was going to miss this.
It was in the auditorium, as the opening ceremony had been. Millions of chairs were laid out in front of our eyes. A quarter of them were already filled even though we were quite early.
After some time, it started. The welcoming speech by our principal; the national anthem; the diplomas granted to us by our homeroom teacher, then the remembrance speech given by our juniors. The familiar tune of ‘Hotaru no Hikari’ reverberated through the air, bringing tears to the eyes of many of my peers. After our homeroom teacher gave a short speech of farewell, we were free to roam around our school for the last time.
The homeroom, the rooftop, the sports fields, all the memories hidden in each of the place, came rushing back.
It was all over too fast, I felt. Now that I was on the brink of leaving all of this behind, It felt really hard to do this. It felt so difficult to withdraw myself and abandon it.
Was I ready to do this?
21st April 2008
It was really unbelievable for me but nevertheless it was the bitter truth. I was going to be made to pay for it, too – a really heavy price. Even then, would I be forgiven???
All these thoughts swirled sickeningly in my head, full of bile and regret as I saw Aya’s message flash across the screen. I sighed, letting off some of my feelings of fear… but the nervousness took on anew again…
It was abominable of me. Through the haze of my guilt I reread her threat.
Mikan, YOU ARE GOING TO MEET ME IN A CAFÉ RIGHT NOW. I don’t care what you’re doing. You’re the worst friend in the history of the worst friends. And don’t even try to think of avoiding me as I’ll simply batter the door or window standing in my way and drag you with me. First off I want a huge lunch in the most expensive restaurant in town. We’re meeting there. You know what this is about and what we’re going to talk about.
I’m waiting.
Dear God, help me! I cried to myself as I read between the lines. Of course I knew what this was all about… she must have found out about it through someone else, most probably nozomu-kun. Now she wants retribution, I thought to myself wryly. I had never seen this coming but to be fair, I deserved it. Quickly I got ready and stomped downstairs screaming a hurried ‘ittekimasu!’ but as I touched the door handle after getting in my shoes, a hand stopped me on the shoulder. What now?! Wasn’t I already scared enough? Had there to be another person angry with me?
I dint turn around. Mom said, “Mikan, you can’t go now!!! There’s some help I need in the kitchen!! Tell Hiro to meet up afterwards!!”
”MOM!! I really NEED to go! It’s not Hiro! It’s AYA!! And she’s going to kill me if I don’t go!!!” jerking off the hand, I ran to the street but heard a faint ‘ittarashai’ in mom’s voice coloured with worry.
A quarter of an hour had passed as I reached the appointed place. I could hear heels tapping impatiently, echoing anger off the floor. I cringed internally. I closed my eyes, heaved two deep breaths and exhaled in a huff as rounded the wall to face her.
I gulped as I took in the narrowing eyes and the stiffening posture. Yes. She was angry like hell had broken loose.
I avoided her eyes as I pulled out the chair, it scraped against the floor making an awkward sound.
Her taciturnity poked and pricked.
But I said nothing in the guise of my cowardice. I kept on waiting, letting her reticence hurt.
“Couldn’t you have told me?” she said acidically, only to stare stonily when my eyes finally found the little courage to look at her.
Her anger was justified. But my silence wasn’t going to help anyone. So I let go of the fear and stared, discarding the shame, defiantly, back at her.
“Yeah. I know. I realize that. It’s completely my fault. But will you try to understand that I had a lot on my mind!!? It was hard for me to talk to anyone... It did strike me last night I made a huge blow, I felt awful.
I’m Really Sorry!!!”
And that thawed her out. A half smile- half grimace replaced the angry expression. I was kind of relieved inside, that she had calmed down with that; I wasn’t ready to leave out other forms of torture which she could execute, in my contemplation.
After that we talked like kids, unaware of the time. She had wanted to do so many things on graduation day, and take pictures… I told her that I was with Hiro, at which she rolled her eyes and I stuck out my tongue… I told her that I strolled through the school and all the little fragments had rushed into my mind. She had tears in her eyes as I explained those and my regret of leaving it behind. With a pang of sudden sadness, I realized that I was withdrawing from aya too, when she had been through thick or thin blood, with me; as did she.
I wasn’t going to be able to meet her like this whenever I felt like it. Ruefully, I wondered aloud how I would survive without her and she brightened up and said, “you have Hiro right with you right? n if it’s really bad then you have my email address with you, always…” and she squeezed my hand.
{*NOTE: In Japan, the email addresses are also used to call, similar to how they’re used for mail}
For the first time, I completely broke down in front of aya…
I understood the meaning of ‘happy tears’ at that moment. I was content that I had such a caring friend. Blood related ties carried an obligation with them, to be carried out at any cost. But the relations that we made apart from them with strangers, were always more precious, as much as they were fragile, exasperating n laborious to maintain. But that was all the more reason that they held importance.
Aya took me for shopping and my jaw was floored as she gave a dress that was gratifyingly vulgar for my taste. Pushing me to try it; she let out that we had a party this evening of our batch-mates.
I rebuked her that I would never wear such a dress to our school’s party!!!! But she wouldn’t hear of it and used her newfound reason of anger to trigger my guilt and make me accept. I relented, sighing all the way home.
I tried to cover some of my skin by wearing a cardigan over the dress as I got ready. At 6.30 aya and I met up in front of the station and she pointedly looked at my cardigan and gave an exasperated sigh as she took my hand to hurry and catch the train to Hachinohe.
We arrived at the Karaoke club to be guided in one of the extended rooms where a full blown party was happening. The darkness felt a bit frightening but aya was here with me so I tried to shake away the feeling. Hiro would also be here in this room, somewhere. I sighed longingly but the threat given by aya burned strongly in my mind. I was supposed to spend time with aya, explaining the situation and apologizing profusely to Hiro by message I was ridden with fresh guilt as I read his understanding reply. I didn’t deserve him anymore than I deserved aya…
But I had to have courage to bear with my own mistakes and suffer the consequences; at the same time be selfish, because I wanted both of them in my life.
We sat there on the couch, in the dancing lights, listening to some guys singing to ‘Morning Musume’ by Pepper Keibu… the playlist kept on hitting- Suzuki Ami’s songs mostly, the favourite of many- ‘Can’t stop the disco’. My head felt a bit soothed when May’s ‘Day Dream’ was played; I hummed to the familiar tune… V6’s ‘Cho’ was a success among the boys… Again one of the songs that was familiar to me- Ai’s ‘Taisetsu no mono’ played… I was itching for the mic but nerves failed me. If only I had been with aya and the others…
Just then aya knew what I was thinking and went over to the guys to try n borrow the mic for me. I left the seat, hoping to bump into Hiro…It felt so hot and stuffy even without the cardigan; as I glided towards the drinks counter, I saw aya having little success at trying to convince them but she didn’t give up, hovering, rooted there to pounce at a chance.
Tamara-kun, a batch-mate of mine was handing out the drinks. As I reached over, the drinks had finished up n I was told to wait a moment as he poured out individual drinks in the hurry to satisfy the grumbling customers behind me on the other side of his counter. I took up the drink as he slammed it down to shout to the crowd behind me that he was working alone there…
I mumbled out a ‘thanks’ which drowned in the noise of the complaints and hoarse singing. Proceeding to find a seat but frustrated at finding everything occupied, I tossed off the whole drink; most of it went down clawing at my parched throat but as the bitter after taste hit my tongue, I gasped n grimaced.
I had to have more because that drink hadn’t satisfied my thirst at all so I stumbled to the counter to tell Tamara-kun to give me a big one. Now the crowd had thinned n I was given the drink in less of a time than before and I gulped it down faster than the first one. The bitter after taste intensified a bit but it faded with the drink sloshing over it. I felt better but my stomach felt acidic. Just to sleight down the fire in my throat, I ordered for one more and downed it in less than a second…
The stuffy room and the heat were getting to me and I began sweating like I had run the length of a corridor. The room slid out of focus once but after blinking furiously I made it look normal. The noise was now not as annoying as before and it felt like some background chatter… I felt sluggish and peaceful; like I was in a bubble. I felt a hand on my thigh n I peered at my side to find someone with light red hair and pierced ears. I puzzled about the hair colour then I realized it was the red lights reflecting off of his hair… my thought processes felt as if they were crawling rather than running. Then I realized that he had put a hand on me as I felt it slide upper. I stood up straight; but my head felt heavy n the room started spinning but I pinched the bridge of my nose tightly to make the spinning stop, squeezing my eyes tightly. After I thought that my head had stabilized, I opened them to see a leer which reminded me of some suppressed memory, sending shudders down the spine, involuntarily. I began to edge away as much as I could but he began to get up his sickening leer getting wider n more pronounced. I panicked. Looking sideways, my right was a corner that blocked my escape n even if I had the left side free; he was coming at me diagonally which only left me to back into a corner. I felt bile rise up my throat. My head was swirling n swimming making it hard to think by the second. I was unable to understand the reason for this but I pushed that thought aside n began to suck in my breath to scream even as my throat had gone dry. He was too close; he grabbed my hand n I screamed.
It was no use; my scream drowned in the chorus by the loud voices of Karaoke…as I had feared.
He pressed his other hand’s palm on my mouth, crushing it n I struggled without much result. The dark atmosphere turned on me, suffocating. I heard a deep thud at the back n the hands holding me went slack.
But it was all too much for me n the black room consumed me fully.
……………………………………………………………………………………….
Something cold n wet felt uncomfortable on my face. Shivers rocked me and I felt something warm envelope me. But as I opened my eyes everything was blurry. I must be dreaming. But it was definitely a good dream. Hiro’s familiar profile, even though it wasn’t clear, was there, in front of my eyes.
The soft deep whispers filled the air,” Mikan, you alright??”
I couldn’t trust my voice to come out right so I nodded once weakly.
He said, “Can you climb on my back?”
I stretched out my hands willingly n as he turned back; my hands encircled his shoulders n he hoisted me up n held my legs.
Resting my head on his shoulders near the neck, I thought to myself, what I good dream this was. N I lolled off.
…
Cold air hit my face making me pay attention; I thought my dream was continuing n I had a pressing urge to say something.
“Hiro??” my throat pained and fire still clawed over it. My voice came out all wrong. But I hoped he had heard.
“Hmmm?”, came the deep n gentle reply, warming my insides n squeezing open the tight knot in my stomach.
“I love you.” I said it in one go like if I didn’t say it at the moment, then it wouldn’t matter anymore. I had to say this, it was absolute.
A deep resounding chuckle rang through my ears. Of course… he would mock n tease… I wanted to roll my eyes but couldn’t find the strength anymore… but I had completed the task that needed to be done n I felt at ease with his reply.
It was fine for the giddiness to set in. I slept.
…
..
.
I groaned as bright light hit my eyes. I felt blinded. White specks of light danced n wormed in the blue ceiling. I squeezed my eyes shut but the light forced them open. I groaned again, louder this time. As I tried to get up, my head felt heavy even then. The blue spun again. I slumped my head back on the pillow n groaned again as it hit my head, sharp pain ensuing inside. It felt soft n tender. I felt that I didn’t want to get up. But I had to. As the seconds turned to minutes, I lifted myself up n fought the resulting nausea n dizziness. Even my stomach felt queasy.
In the periphery of my eyes, something chestnut brown stirred. My vision dragged to the frame n Hiro’s sleepy face greeted me.
My eyes widened, mirroring his. His mouth broke into a smile n I made a face,
“What happened? I can’t wrap my head around it… mostly I don’t remember anything!!”
“Wait a bit, I’ll bring something to make you feel better.”
I wondered how Hiro was here. Was this still a dream? But why were my muscles sore n aching? Surely you couldn’t experience pain when you’re in a dream? Everything was disorienting.
I tried to calm down, in vain. But as I couldn’t find the answer to any of the questions, they only kept on hitting me in the face.
Hiro entered n I sighed gratefully. He was holding a tall glass with something light golden frothing in it. I wasn’t sure about putting anything in my stomach as it churned so uneasily.
As if hearing my mute thought, he said to relieve me.
“Don’t worry, even though you feel queasy this will make your head stop spinning.
I was skeptical but acquiesced immediately. As soon as I took a hesitant sip, it felt really better. So I drank more and more tasting the blandness n slight sweetness. After it had all settled in my stomach, I felt some energy in the limbs.
Now that I felt this sluggish brain restart, the curious thoughts plagued me again. So I snapped my head up to ask him to tell me.
He was waiting for it n after giving a small nod, started off.
“uh, you… remember that guy with bleached hair…?”
He had been trying to hide the anger which his eyes betrayed n which, even after his efforts, seeped into his voice till the end of the statement. I tried to remember what he was talking about. Yesterday night we had been to the get-together at Hachinohe.
It came to me. Under the inky red lights, the guy, his attempts n the banana milkshake in my stomach squirmed uneasily…
Hiro looked grave as he saw the emotions pass through on my countenance. He came and enveloped me.
“It’s fine.” He said through gritted teeth. “I took care of him…’,
which left implications buzzing in the brain, leaving me in a wake of horror.
I whispered fearing the worst. “What did you do?”
“You don’t have to worry about that kind of scum…” his anger was more visible now.
This made me even more anxious. What had he done?
“I’ll just ask Aya…” I threatened him.
He turned sideways n closing his eyes, exhaled sharply.
“Obviously, what else would I have done to him? I couldn’t stop myself…” his anger leaked out completely while telling me.
His eyebrows were tightly knit, almost seeming like they had been glued in the middle. He hadn’t said anything definite but by his anger still flashing so discernibly, I guessed he hadn’t vented it completely on the poor guy.
I waited.
“Don’t worry… he isn’t seriously injured or anything. Just … broke his nose… and maybe some limbs…. And anyway, leaving that aside, who the hell mixed up alcohol in your drink????” realizing I would be ignorant to the knowledge, he clenched his fists…
I gulped the rising tension n touched his hand to smile at him.
He looked doubtfully at me but after some time, his lips turned up at the corners.
After the effects of the miraculous milkshake wearing off, I began to feel drowsy n I think I nodded off staring onto the perfect sky.
3rd May 2008
The rest of the April had gone in me being lazy the whole time.
But Hiro’s hard work brought me back to reality n I regained my vigour to sweat out the savings.
Grabbing at any job opportunity that I heard of, soon my head was drowned in the water of work. But I like it. It kept my mind busy n errant thoughts of the result or Tokyo stopped worrying me.
Hiro reminded me that the entrance exam results were coming on the 17th of this month. My heartbeat quickened for that moment but as I got busy with the small part-time jobs in various places, it slipped off my mind. One in particular-on a ship, was disgusting because I had to sort fishes, n I couldn’t demarcate one type from another, but I braved it solely for the money; reading up the Encyclopedia of fish at nights.
When I stopped to think about it, I had surprised myself with my will to slog at all…
Hiro…I smiled internally…he was the source of my strength. My co-workers caught me grinning n teased that I had a satisfying love-life n that they were really envious of me… I laughed it off n continued with the drudgery in my hands.
17th May 2008
I was even more highly strung than what showed on my face; rocking on heels as I stood waiting in the Genkan.
At every ring of the doorbell, I opened it in the blink of an eye but sometimes it was just the neighbor, one other time, it was nee-chan for her summer visit… she was disappointed with the lack of adequate enthusiasm from me but I waved her off in the house. When was the damn letter going to come?
Finally at eleven, the post came n I literally snatched the letters from the mail-man n ran to the living area, sifting through the letters. I found it between some of dad’s bills n strewing the rest of them; I slammed the door to my room.
My breath came in gasps. I finally could take my time n looked at it.
Now that I had it in my hands, it was grim to open it.
I tore open the smaller side of the envelope marked
Tokyo Metropolitan Government Board of Education.
Quaffing and swilling down the dry throat several times, slowly I opened the three-way folded letter. It was quivering. I wondered if a small earthquake was rocking the building. But as the rest of my room wasn’t pivoting to any side, it had to be my hands which were holding the letter. Okay, I HAD to have some sangfroid, period.
Reigning myself in with absolute rigidity, thinking of Hiro’s cerulean blue eyes twinkling serenely I went limp. This was the best I could do. I couldn’t be cold-blooded without more mental preparation.
Concentrating on the task ahead, my cold hands opened both the folds of the letter in one go.
Sakura Mikan San,
We are pleased to inform you that you have passed the Examination for senior secondary high schools under the jurisdiction of Tokyo Metropolitan Educational Board.
My breathing eased a bit but the uncertainty was far from gone as I had yet to find out whether I was accepted in the first recruitment by the 3 schools where I had applied.
As my eyes roved down, I read through the familiar names, learnt n memorized over the past couple of months.
Choice of schools:
1. WASEDA UNIVERSITY SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL, NERIMA, TOKYO, JAPAN.
2. TOKYO HIGH SCHOOL, OMORI, TOKYO, JAPAN.
3. TOKYO METROPOLITAN HIBIYA HIGH SCHOOL, NAGATA-CHō, CHIYODA, TOKYO, JAPAN.
The mark sheet of merit attained by the respective student is as follows:
Name: Sakura Mikan Yamanouchi.
School: Aomori Prefectural Aomori High school, Aomori city, Aomori Prefecture, Japan.
| SUBJECTS
| Scores of achievement test | Scores of school report
| Short essay/ written competition
| Practical skills
|
| 1. JAPANESE
2. MATHEMATICS
3. ENGLISH
4. SOCIAL STUDIES
5. SCIENCE
| 64/80
87/100
74/80
83/100
82/100 | 79/100
72/100
91/100
76/100
83/100 | 16/20
-
18/20
-
- | Satisfactory
Satisfactory
Satisfactory
Satisfactory
Satisfactory
|
Additional specialized achievement in particular subject(s):
You have received the highest mark of commendation in the subject of English and Literature in the Examination conducted by the Educational Board.
The knot in my stomach became easier n untied as I read the score sheet at least five times. Highest score in English!!! Sugoi!!! I squealed inside…. There was even the signature of the Director of Department of English Language and Literature, himself, adding his personal congratulations!!!! This was tremendously unexpected!!!!!!!!!!!!
And Thank God that I had Hiro to tutor me in math!
It had paid off well. All the study at nights… Hiro dominating my leisure time to cram the math formulae n practice the incorrect sums over n over. It was all worth it!
But was it all enough? I thought, disquietened, as I slid my eyes down further to reveal whether it was all sufficient to grant me an admission in any of the three choices.
Well, I would have to apply to some other schools again n wait for the letter to approve my admission for another month if I had failed to get a seat in the applied schools. What if Hiro chose one where I hadn’t been validated for admission? I winced at the thoughts racing through my brain.
I sighed dejectedly. There was only one way to find it out.
I continued to read where I had left off…
We are extremely sorry to apprise but no seat has been granted to…
IMPOSSIBLE.
NO. UNBELIEVABLE.
I read it again to confirm; and again; and again once more. Through my blinding shock, I saw only the next step that needed to be taken. Putting a pair of jeans, I raced downstairs to the Genkan. Nee-chan called out but I heeded no attention. Mumbling an ‘ittekimasu’ I scrambled out before anyone could catch up.
I hoped Hiro would be home. I prayed he had already got n read his letter of acceptance for he WOULD get accepted, I thought ironically. He was unlike me in this section.
This had to be face to face. I didn’t want to miss his expressions or be lied to. So calling wouldn’t work.
Trains were normally a faster mode of transport but today I felt something was obstructing my movement reaching to Hiro. Innumerable pushes, falls n a delayed train later, I stood outside Hiro’s doorstep, sweating profusely not only because of the haste but also because of the jitters rolling inside me.
Ringing the doorbell twice, I heaved a quick breath to not appear too wound up.
His mother opened the door a bit flustered n I excused myself to ask if Hiro was home. She seemed a bit dazed; maybe Hiro had already told her about his scores… which was good. No one would interrupt us as I told him my bit of news. Again I felt a pang of haze.
She sputtered out that Hiro was in the living area. Chastising myself for just rushing past her, I trotted off, ignoring the yawning emotion in her eyes.
His hand was leaning over a chair with a piece of paper in the other n even at this distance; I could see his eyes really wide. I had a premonition that he had passed it n his choice of school had already accepted him, so why the surprise? I thought with jealousy.
I had to tell him about this.
At the scuffle of my steps, he looked up n was taken aback at seeing me.
I ignored this.
“I need to talk,” I spoke in a low voice n clasping his hand I rode upstairs to his room. I was glad of the little resistance that met my hand.
After sliding the door shut, I failed to speak so I just shoved the letter in his hands.
It was really quiet. Arms crossed, I squatted down n waited.
A whistle; I think I heard a whistle.
I whipped my head to face him n a grin was spread across his lips.
Wait a moment. The way I saw it, it was definitely bad news. So why was he…? I recalled the remaining part of the missive.
We are extremely sorry to apprise but no seat has been granted to the candidate regarding their first choice of Waseda High School, Nerima, Tokyo.
…
It is with apprising regret that we inform you on part of the Tokyo High School, Omori, Tokyo, that the candidate has not been granted a seat through the outer prefectural merit seat procedure.
…
The Hibiya High School, Nagata-Chō, Chiyoda, Tokyo is d…
I cocked my head to a side n pouted. His reaction wasn’t making sense unless I had missed something. But I remembered the missive perfectly n clearly.
He laughed which stopped all my thoughts short. With reassurance in his manner, he proceeded to explain.
“It’s fine!!! We can still do it!
OH!! By the way, congratulations! You got the highest English score!! Knew you would be the one……” his teeth flashed reflecting, blinding white in the sun… he came forward to pat me on the head.
I opened my clenched fists for him to place his letter then.
Wow as expected… he had scored top marks in all his subjects, three marks behind me only in English. And to top the foamy cream over the cappuccino, he had been accepted to the top of his choice of schools, Waseda Uni, the choice, I read disdainfully, a reread of mine…except that the letter congratulated him to be admitted in Waseda…
I replied coldly. “Don’t beat me about the bush…I can accept failure when it comes.”
He kept on laughing harder now. Was I the dumb one? I asked rhetorically to myself. Of course I already knew the answer was positive… I decided to let go of my childish anger n ask him outright of the possibility.
He stopped laughing abruptly. Coming to my side,he said
