18th December 2005
Hey, GOMENNA!
I haven’t talked with u for awhile…. Nee Chan has come home n as usual she noticed my emotional blanket so I told her everything…… every day I try to hide my pain...
Nee Chan thinks if destiny wants us to be together then we will be…
I try not to get caught up in the web of false hopes… as even though they are silver at sight, they make you sigh at night…
I tend to avoid him….in fact I’m running away from him..twice have our eyes met. I felt something taken from me n given some new energy in return..
Aya seems to have gotten a boyfriend who just happens to be sakurai hiroki’s best friend… I’s screaming inside….. Why is my punishment being increased, I asked with desperate despair???? We’re preparing for the school festival which is tomorrow. There’s supposed to be a dance where couples are blessed to be together forever.. my punishment just went from being the gatekeeper of hell to being a slave in hell…
I have to handle the music at the dance…I’m going to cry in the bonfire, they will hopefully be evaporated before anyone can realize their existence….
Yukatas are obligatory. Mom, at least, will be immensely happy to play dress up with me…dad will take pictures like there’s no end to it!!..
*sigh*
19th December 2005
I’ve prepared my best for the music selection… mom dressed me in the yukata.. its cerulean blue with white lilies and navy blue obi sash… I was so excited when I bought it earlier in the year but now it only reminds me of bitter moments and thoughts… after I come home I am sure I will be crying in nee chan’s lap but … it cant be helped..
Nee Chan bought a good luck charm in love at the temple… I thanked her with a watery smile, n she smiled radiantly, back at me…. It’s kind of mysterious…
………………………………..
The music was going on well….i tried not to look at the people around the bonfire. Sayuri Chan said she would take over for now, and wandered off to the pond….
Lost in admiring the beauty of the hazy full moon, the wind suddenly shot up. I closed my eyes and felt it tingle my face, it kind of caressed my cheek. Feeling calm, I closed my eyes... A silhouette was sitting at the edge of the water with windswept shining silver hair- moonlit hair....
I felt the gravitation.. The need to go and sit there...
I heard it exhale. The wind had risen now n was dancing spontaneously. I could smell snow, it slipped out of my mouth- snow- in a murmur.....the silhouette had straightened it's back, hearing my murmur, as if affirming my assertion. I could faintly smell earth, lilies n sweetness. The leaves rustled playfully at my toe above the edge of my wooden sandals... Time seemed to have no meaning, maybe it has stopped ?? Or was it moving in whooping amounts??? It didn't matter...
The wind was rippling the water ... After removing my hair clip and letting the hair down, I moved towards the edge of the pond and touched the water surface, broke it gently, felt the water -cold as ice- envelope my palm then the fingers, slowly consuming them... My hair had covered side views but I heard the clacking sound of sandals against gravel, coming closer then stopping almost near me...then the gentle sound of someone breaking the water surface... I could see the ripples beside my hand and feels the layers of water wave on my palm...the silhouette's hand neared mine, touched me....the back of my hand tingled but this time I bravely, searched for it and when I found it, my index finger immediately tingled...where it tingled warmth was left behind. All the while my heart felt like a bird trapped in a cage pounding against it in rebellion....I dared not to look up...the moon's rippling mocking reflection.. Slowly I let it touch my whole hand....... It felt as if ants were moving over my hands...... The heartwarming warmth..! I swore I wanted to stop time!! If it was going too fast...? Or maybe it was slower than normal...
This silhouette's hand gave me a light squeeze and my heart squeezed too.. My hand was going to melt if this didn't stop!!! I felt just for this moment not to restrict my feelings and to go with the flow! Giving in, I let my hand melt in to the silhouette's hand's warmth. I felt cold air tickling my right ear n something nudging against it, my heart almost exploded!1111 this pointed sort of soft thing travelled behind my ear, finding the niche underneath the jaw line, it felt as cold as razor blade. I felt every warm breath over my skin, I got goose bumps.. Unknowingly gravitating, head turning towards him, I heard a slight chuckle, knowing breath come over .. The ice cold nose explored my lips...my breathing became shallower, as the chuckle reminded me to breath. The naughty icy nose went to the niche between the lips and my lips shivered n quivered. Suddenly as if it had had enough of teasing, it moved over the niche on my upper lip then coaxed me sliding the icy nose down mine....I wouldn't be able to take it any longer, my quivering was at breaking point....the silhouette seemed to be having fun... >_> lightly brushing his over my lips, then to the corner and it seemed to oscillate n hypnotize....it seemed after an indefinite length of time that the silhouette couldn't stay restrained too,
The tingling ones kissed my quivering lips, my heart feeling renewed and ready to burst at any moment...... An impossible sensation! They melted into each other....my heart began to overflow with some kind of emotion which left me powerless. The silhouette's hands pushed me down holding me securely yet gently... It wanted more..so it kept on showering my lips with warmth...suddenly it became aggressive as if it had let go of some inner balloons of worries , the tongue gently came inside my mouth n found the shy tongue of mine. An uninhibiting caress, such contradictions!!!! I was left speechless for a moment but the wind reminded me to go with the flow so.. I relented.. This silhouette explored the jaw line, neck ..right down to the collar bones .... Frosty warm breath.... I smelt the lilies with orange blossoms this time, the earth too...
Soaked in the crystally fragile moment,...it was time to open my eyes. A shining mop of hair was beneath me..... It seemed a chestnut brown in colour... It raised its head, I saw all it's beautiful features- the cheekbones, the line of the nose the lips, cut by the moonlight... The lowered eyes rose- CERULEAN!!! This ocean infinite cerulean highlighted by the silver moonlight.... Deep, twinkling with mischief, concern, and something solid n sincere.. Also a deep carrying emotion which couldn't be fathomed...
Suddenly it became piercingly bright! A rusty knife stabbed in my chest, turning after entering the heart..... That's what I felt when I saw Hiroki.......................
I bolted straight up. He sat there with questions n a request of not leaving him. I hesitated, turned, took 2 steps. Wind blew as if ushering me to go back. I couldn't contemplate! I sat where he was, compliantly. He seemed relieved. His stiff shoulders now loosened. Deliberately he rested his hand over my cheek, it seemed to fit perfectly....his lips moved n broke into a smile. The breath caught at that .... Single sided smile.... My eyes showed clearly that I had questions....he knew that, but he wanted to just Be...............
I don't know till what time we were there, his head over my shoulders n mine on his head..... Suddenly, the wind swung. He said we had to go home now...I agreed..
He put his head on my chest, I caressed his hair, then we parted.....
Funny thought- he must have been over 6 feet, I was a meager 5'3'' , he must have had to bend like hell to reach my shoulder.... O_O
???? Have I... ??????????? Love????????????? ......... ......... ........ .... . . .
24th December 2005
It’s Christmas eve night.. all this time I’ve been anxious, even dad noticed it.. normally he would leave me alone .. nee Chan says I have to be patient but how long can I suppress this uneasiness? I want to know where he is and what he’s doing.. mom n dad had planned a surprise hot spring trip but I refused to even get out from the house even for a second except to meet him.
Now nee Chan seems to have convinced them n they’ve left a while ago..but it doesn’t make a difference to me… it doesn’t feel like anyone’s home even when everyone’s there..
It’s a little time till Christmas.. how pathetic to spend Christmas alone…………………..
……………
MESSAGE! My shivering hands open the cellphone, the biggest white bubble slides on to the opposite end in the blue abyss… “meet me at the park near your house.” I put on my overcoat and run like the wind out of the house…the snow is crunching with anticipation as my footprints are left behind … on the swings, the silhouette was sitting with his head straight on. I caught my breath. Slowly approaching him, his head turned to me, that heart breaking smile. He offered his hand, I took it unquestioningly.. I could feel the tingle of his breath which penetrated the sleeve of my overcoat.. he brushed his lips- heartbeat and a warm trickling feeling on my spine. I let out a sigh. I couldn’t control the flow of questions n my curiosity, so I started to ask. He shook his head. I stayed , my hand in his. he looked up at me and then stood up. Now it was my turn to look up.he was looking at me with such great intensity with the purplish black sky behind him… his eyes were like burning blue ice.. I forgot to breath..
Slowly his lips parted and he said,”I love you…” n kept on gazing at me.. my palm rested on his cheek, I replied,” I ………. Love you..”
Lifting me off the snow, he gave me such a gentle kiss, I thought the falling snow had fluttered on my lips..
We sat on the swings, “ we broke up”, he says.. “I already finished things with that woman”, my mind ponders over the word ‘woman’ n the way he had said it…
“that day, at the pond, I felt as if I was reborn n you pulled me, made me live….
I need you to accept me. I want you to know me. I want to protect you;
…. always be with you..”
I simply kept on listening, my hand in his… heart like a humming bird
We swung back and forth hearing the creaky swings…. Our love was blossoming in these silent moments…I felt content. We both knew…
that there was no reason whatsoever to love each other. That’s why I loved him, he loved me..
“mikan”, he called out. I had nodded off with these thoughts intoxicating me.. smiling he said, ”let’s go home!” I smiled and he dropped me at my house ; all the way, never letting go of my hand…
He gently kissed my forehead and told me to take a hot bath before going to bed. I nodded and waved..
In my room now, I have half removed my coat, I’ve told you now I will… (hand slurs off, mikan has slept while writing…)
Tinkle tinkle tinkle….. |
The phone rang and I thought I was dreaming;…
“hello?” I said in a groggy voice..
- “merry christmas!!!!!!!”
“oh hiro!! Gomennna!!!
- *chuckle* hmmm, seems you just got up?..
“hai.. gomenna, hontoni…
- No it’s fine. Just felt like hearing you….what will you do today??
I’m going shopping for dinner, though its only me…
- Shall I come for dinner then?
Huh!! Ummmmm ok….*shy tremulous voice*
- Is 7 ok?
Hai.
- See you then…. J
I have done the shopping and I’m jittery…..
I made hotpot and yakisoba, a chocolate cake too, since it was a special day and hiro likes yakisoba..
He came with a wreath of roses with white lilies popping out in between and some orchids to accompany…
Silence was comfortable until after dinner.
My curiosity had once again gotten the better of me… he sensed this as usual. I opened the window it was a crescent moon. “all the better..” he whispered in my ear.. I blushed..
Sitting in his warmth, I began to listen as he laid his childhood in front of me..
His father’s a mechanic and his mom works on and off.he has a big sis just like me. She used to be a yankee (delinquent) though he tells me she’s not scary at all..hiro tells me he was bullied in elementary school, because of his eyes. But I say to him embarrassingly that his eyes are what I love the most! They show who he is. He smiles enchantingly, approaching deliberately, hand sliding down my back nd his tongue tickling my ear. Its so cold…I notice he has a tongue piercing…though I feel dizzy I try to keep up. Chuckling mockingly he withdraws. I pout turning behind. Surprised that he’s so close to me I go blank and he pecks my lips…I lower my head, blushing hard…
He continues that he’s not delinquent anymore though he was one in middle school… he seems to be fascinated with the concept of power and has now understood not to dabble in it.. I understood him as if I had lived life as him…
A gentle gust ruffled my hair. He grew quiet and breathed in deeply, leaning closer in to me, making my body temperature rise up notch..
His mom had been british before marriage.. which explained his eye colour…
He hugs me tightly, I relax in his warmth. I blacked out..
I woke up feeling fuzzy. he was changing towels on my forehead.. I had slept without a hot bath yesterday.
I knew right away from his face that he thought it was his fault for calling right away in the snow, so I say,” BAKA, it was my fault, I should have put on a muffler..”
He laughed. I said,” my bad..” I felt warm breath he lightly kissed waiting for me.. I turned away as he would get the cold..he moved with me and kissed with longing.. I unrelentlessly, instinctively, responded.. he slept with me as I was shivering..
He even made rice porridge wih spring onions!! It was delicious even though I couldn’t taste it..
I felt better I the evening, he would have stayed on if not for my parents coming back..
1st January 2006
Its fifteen minutes to midnight so its actually 31st.. hiro and me are on the beach, there’s going to be fireworks. I can feel the electric waves roll off his shoulder. He promised to be gentle. But I don’t think mentally prepared yet so….
Ah, the fireworks started! My eyes are on them.. hiro staring at me, makes my heart beat faster than normal.. he obstructs the fireworks and kisses me aggressively… I might faint any moment.. ah he nibbled at my neck, there’s a hicky left… >_>
Hiro has left me with so many hickeys all the way down to my chest..
-___-
He did it on purpose as I didn’t let him go all the way…
12th February 2006
Valentine’s day is in a couple of days.. I’m preparing chocolate of course- raspberry his favorite!!!!!!!!!!! The physical state is a bit different..
14th February 2006
My first valentine.. from the morning I’m embarrassed that he would think my idea to be bold, so I haven’t given him my chocolate yet. All the girls are offering him though I just run away as I’m afraid he would accept their chocolate! He must be annoyed at my behavior.
Hiro is being offered chocolates by the most popular girl in the school.. again this insecurity….
“ ah, about that.. I have a girlfriend.. and I’m WAITING FOR HER CHOCOLATE!!!” he shouted that part, and I was embarrassed at being caught…
We went home , him being smug all the way…
I gave the chocolate when we reached his home..
The raspberry spread is for you…
I said.
He looked puzzled.. I told him to use it to spread wherever he liked..
He looked even more confused..
He.. it’s the first time he didn’t understand what I meant or perhaps he pretended to??
I took it n spread it on his cheek. His eyes showed a bit of genuine surprise. So my secret had been successful!! I gradually neared him and licked it off…
I think I heard his breath catch and breathing speed up..
Then he said mockingly,” my turn!!”
I was intimidated by him because whenever he touched me, my body always reacted so strongly…
He started just as he would do everytime- my cheek, jawline, neck , lips, the collarbones were covered with that raspberry spread…
I was always amazed at my body reacting the same embarrassing way when he touched me… each time feels like the first time…
I seem to always get caught up in his pace…
He held my gaze and I was hypnotized with the deep cerulean pools… he whispered,”I want you, right here, right now!!” my stomach did a somersault and butterflies fluttered in it…
He had some on his cheek, so I moved to clean it.. then as if seizing the opportunity, he put some more on his chest.. I was bright red as I licked that chocolate wherever he dropped it…
Suddenly my cellphone was ringing. Mom!! The curfew!! He winked n said,” we’ll continue this later!!” I whispered,”don’t ever make me jealous again!!” and bit his ear….
Again that teasing chuckle..
He said that he was quite surprised by how bold i had become! And I knew he would say that!!
NOTE: the Japanese have a custom of attaching honorifics with the names-if they’re acquaintances or classmates or not that closely related, they attach “san” with the surname. if they are friends then “Kun” for boys and “Chan” for girls is attached with surnames and as the relation grows closer they attach the honorifics with first names. When no honorifics are attached it means the person is closest.
18th may 2006
It had been a crazy 2 months!! Our sports festival was exciting!! Hiro won the 200m dash and his class even won the basketball tournament!!!!!!!!!!
I made him promise not to show off his tongue piercing and to only show it to me! He teased me that I was becoming green even on the face!!.. >_< during our cultural festival our class did a maid café and he was always coming to our class to make sure no boys were hanging around, though at first I couldn’t understand his frequent visits…. He was supposed to advertise our class activities at the gate, I told him so. He said the classmates called him for various reasons but when I asked around they denied it!! After the activities were finished as we were going home, I delicately asked him about it and he turned his face away after I guessed that he was jealous.. SO CUTE HIRO!!! It slipped out of my mouth, and he lifted me by the waist and swung me around, our laughs tinkling in the night air…
On the last of the cultural fest, hiro and his band performed when he called me on stage and dedicated a song for me, I was shocked, but I was immensely happy!
After hiro entered my life, happiness knows no bounds…
Now I’ll be preparing for exams. Hiro’s giving his best this time. I’m sure he’ll ace the class!! GAMBATTE HIRO!!
5th june 2006
Hiro has planned an onsen (hot spring) trip for us now that exams are over. I’ve arranged with aya to cover up for me.
This time we both know we’re ready.
We pooled our money together and have booked a suite with an onsen bath attached to the room. I’m extremely nervous just thinking about it!!
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