A shadow loomed over me, and a girl, who was very beautiful with long hair, came into focus.. other shadowy figures stood like sentinels behind her. Chaos reigning my mind, the girl began to speak, “ do you know who I am, chibi??” turning her arrogant head, she said with vehemence – saki, Hiro was MY boyfriend. She said ‘my’ so possessively and like she hoped to claw my heart, with such passion …. I felt a stab of pain, and I just gawked at her.. waiting for her predatory words.
She threatened me to break up with Hiro n never to meet with him ever again, I was bowled over n shouted at her..
“ how could you even think of telling me to do that????? I will never stop loving him! I don’t care what you say! U wont understand Hiro if you keep going on that he is YOUR Hiro!! Hiro IS NOT A POSSESSION TO BELONG TO SOMEONE! He has a heart.. I will only go away from his life if he tells me to, maybe not even then..” my chest heaved with this outburst – it was the first time I had shouted at anyone… inside I felt a twinge of pity for this passionate n predatory creature standing in front of me. She had liked Hiro, being with him, I could see that. But now, what she had become , was terrible. She kept on chanting that Hiro was hers, n hers alone, she had lost sense of reality.. I understood that completely because Hiro had such a strong influence over anybody that he was with.. his personality was hypnotic and magnetic, I had felt that right from the beginning.
She had been silent for a while, squeezing her eyes shut, her expression looked that my angry outbursts had no effect on her and this understanding pity I felt was useless. With such an expression she repeated,”Hiro is mine only. If you hadn’t gotten in my way, we would have been together forever! You are an eyesore, “
A malicious expression full of hate now possessed her beautiful face and cackling she spit out the venom,”Hiro… it seems he has completely fallen under your thumb.. we will see…
Now I will be turning a blind eye to whatever is going to happen. you wont mind sharing your body with these guys would you?? Hiro would never accept you!!! You are filthy n remain like that for your life!”
Her meaning took time to sink in.. but when it was absorbed in my mind, i.. I ……………………….
I .. was baffled…
I …. simply couldn’t think I just wanted to get away but no exit seemed to be in sight… the shadows behind her had come forth with leers and gleaming eyes … I was panicking but all the ways had disappeared, what to do?????? I got up, amazingly swiftly, considering the state shock I was in… behind me rows n rows of steel pipes, my legs were as hastening as could be but the cunning contours were catching up with me.. my foot caught on something heavy and I fell over it – a pile of dead rats… something was trickling on my head but I had been thrust down on the floor where I had fallen, by the time I got around to see where I was going.. the stench of cigarettes came closer and while struggling, I screamed as loudly as I could…
And I just kept on screaming and screaming …..
when I gained consciousness, I was in an alley by a road those figures were shouting at the top of their voices in glee as they got in to a white wagon. In that delirious state, I was seeking for revenge so I noted the number of that wagon in my cell phone. But soon after the act the tremors began, I shook violently. I even got sick n threw up strenuously with brute hatred.. my clothes were ripped. With the violent tremors and throwing up, my emotions had also been thrown out. Now I felt that I was just blank I felt nothing whatsoever. Mechanically, instinctively, I reached out for the phone flung on the ground and went through the logs-missed calls of Hiro. I didn’t understand what to do. Was it like saki had said? Hiro would never accept me with this defiled body of mine! But after these thoughts played in the mind, it had taken only a faint pressure on the button to call him up that pressure had been exerted so unknowingly that I considered hanging up as I listened to the ringing, but as the thought crossed my mind, Hiro had already picked up. I started “Hiro, i…” my voice failed me, silence on both sides, was inadmissible. But Hiro, he simply asked me where I was n I could only detect concern in his voice. I looked up n saw a hotel’s sign, which I told him about. Suddenly the phone hung up, I cursed. The battery had died. Incredibly I had never before cursed… I wondered if Hiro would find me as I lay without motion on the dirty pavement, in the dark alley.
I screamed in the head. IT ISN’T REAL …… IT ISNT REAL… I wanted to forget what had happened, but it kept on hitting repeat in my mind. I felt numb. But that numbness stabbed me.
I heard his voice, my name. had I died? I opened my eyes and looked up. He was illuminated by the street light. His expression was broken as if someone had crumpled it up. Such a papery expression, it caught me unawares as he had always been stoic. He wanted to help me get up but I refused n got up by myself. I didn’t want to throw away his arm if he touched me. It was the first time that I had grabbed hold of the rear end of his Davidson than his waist.
We reached his home. Minako-san, his nee chan, came out with such a worried expression that it brought back some feeling in me. Up in her room, handing me a t shirt, she told ,” mikan chan, you know, it happened to me too. I understand what you’re going through.”
I put that in my mind n felt warmer towards her, replying with a broken little smile which must have looked like a grimace to her…
Turning the shower on, I stood there, letting the water hit me. after a while, I started to shiver.. then the warmth slowly crept into my body, it took a while to take in that the water was boiling. I put on the soap, while scrubbing it over this stained body, I again remembered that stench..the warehouse. So I scrubbed and scrubbed till the skin became raw and red, it began to bleed. But the problem was I never felt the pain.
Minako san had been so kind to me, but all she could do was to heal my physical wounds. I was in shambles, mentally. Hiro had brought me to his home but that was his kind personality in action.
I suppose Hiro wouldn’t want someone like me as a girlfriend, just as Saki had said.. she had won… but I want to be with Hiro. If necessary, I would even beg and grovel to him, to take me back.
As I went home, I told mom I had fallen downstairs….in the school.
5th September 2006
All this time, I had been locked up in my room, only coming out for mealtimes. Hiro called every single day, but just gave monosyllabic replies. I hadn’t the courage to go to school. Mom was very worried.
Today at daybreak, Hiro called me usual. “maybe I’ll come today?” hearing the question in my voice, he told me to look outside the window.
Peeping out, I saw him waving energetically and he shouted brightly, “OHAYOU!!!” I jolted, watching his ceruleans twinkling even at this distance. His house was at least 45 minutes away from mine with the bike riding… what was he thinking?
We went to school n riding on the bike, he said, ”look up!!” I saw my favorite cerulean sky with the sun peeking from the branches of trees at occasions.. at times the branches obscured the sun, but at other times, the sun shone through them.
Maybe life was the same?...
10th October 2006
It has been quite peaceful for these few weeks. Hiro stays with me most of the time, once he even said, “I stay with you for such lengths of time that maybe you are getting sick of me!!” in fact, I reprimanded him, the case was just the opposite.
Hiro is so kind. He has restrained from touching me all this time.he only reacts if I myself hold his hand or when I initiate to kiss him, he even kisses me cautiously…
Today when we went to Hiro’s house after school, Minako nee told me that she had found those guys… she pleaded with me to see them whether I recognized them, whether they were the people who did it… I still hadn’t told Hiro that it was Saki because who knew what he would do once he came to know about it. He wouldn’t hesitate to kill her. I didn’t want that. I held feelings of pity in relation to Saki, the revengeful hatred had died down now because I had Hiro with me and it had been childish of me to feel revenge towards Saki, the pity I felt when she had passionately claimed Hiro to be hers, was returning to me in full strength.
Minako nee, she man-handled the guys and I shivered as the stench of cigarettes and something rotting brought back those memories I had been trying hard to suppressed. I cringed back into Hiro and tightened my grip over his hand. Suddenly I heard a snarl and astonished, I saw Hiro leave my hand and grabbing that guy by the scruff his neck, lifting him up… I was sure he would have been beaten them to death if I hadn’t clenched and seized his hand. He’s so short tempered…
He made a promise to me this day, he said he would give his life to protect me. I believed him.
11th November 2006
Time seems to go on relentlessly… with school n everything going smoothly, with not so many bumps in the ride, Saori nee had come home. I narrated all the past events and her astonishingly wise understanding has saved me once again.
About Hiro, I have this increasingly growing anxious uneasiness so after school, I insisted to go at his home.
I sat on the cushion, just as he opened his room’s door and gave me a drink muttering about how that was all which was available at the house, today…
Phsssshhhhhh, the sound brought me back to his room, I had been remembering my first time with Hiro, it was him that taught me that guys could also be warm, why was I letting something unimportant ruin my relationship with Hiro? He would of course be kind and go on to restrain from touching me in the future but would that be fair on him?
WAIT!
Or maybe he thought as well, that my body had become dirty and that’s why he wouldn’t touch me!! COULD THIS BE IT??!
I was so on tenterhooks, it was clearly showing. My cheek suddenly felt warm, a palm, Hiro lifted my head to face my eyes with his.
What was my expression showing??? Guilt? Desire? I was afraid of what he would see, my eyes stung, my inners were freaking out…
Hiro was bewildered, caught unawares, watching this face of mine… he breathed, ”tell me?!”
I sighed n said,” maybe I will never forget that incident, it will be there for life. But don’t you want to hold me, n touch?? I understand that you are restricting because of me, I’m thankful that you’re so considerate of me, but I feel guilty of chaining you… or maybe ……………………………………. Maybe uh, you too, ummmm … you think that my body has become soiled after all… so uh…
“URUSAI!” I startled… such a loud voice! Filled with anger, as if suddenly breaking apart.. if I hadn’t seen it come out of Hiro’s mouth, I would never have believed it! I got terribly scared, he was angry with me!
Maybe he caught on that his angry surge had frightened me, n he muttered,’Damn….’ After taking a huge deep breath, he came near me. His hand nuzzled mine. “are you a dummy??? Nothing could ever make me think such thoughts that you are…. Dirty..! it didn’t occur to me that you would think like this! OFCOURSE it has been hard to strain myself from touching you! But I knew you needed time , time to recover and get yourself together. I wont say to you that I can understand what you went through, as I’m a man. But I can sympathize if not empathize… .
So I just guessed you would need more of a period to gather your mind, but surprisingly, you seem to have made up your mind.. about it. So ummm…. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry to have forced you to say it all out… “
I had gaped at him through it all! his anger seems justified, now that I think about it.
“The truth is I want You.” This alone sent butterflies into my stomach…my heart aflutter….
“tell me to stop when you want and don’t worry about it.”
He whispered in my ear.
It was very protracted and long drawn out, so many stops along the way, Hiro opened all my wounds and healed as well as, filling them with love…
Hiro couldn’t be any more understanding…
..
I lay in his arms, feeling that I had overcome a little, this infliction. I never could forget it completely; it would stay with me for the whole life. With my ever-growing feelings of love for Hiro, maybe if he stayed with me, beside me, I would be able to live with it, live with all the regrets…after all.
The sky was a purplish blue, - a changing sky…
14th December 2006
My days are sparkling n love is piling up just like the snow that flurries falling imperceptibly, outside…
No matter the amount of period was filled with Hiro, I felt covetousness and avarice.
I was in my bed a couple of evenings previously. The window tapped. I thought it would be aya, she knew the latch was open to come inside so I ignored the noise; the book was depicting a mind-boggling twist in the plot…
The window hadn’t been opened; the tapping brought me out of the book. Startled, I went over to the window.
Hiro’s red face was sticking outside the window, frosting the window pane. I let out an astonished cry, and he indicated his finger on the lips, I’d forgotten about everyone hearing me…
Jumping inside, he grinned jovially….
I shook my head slightly… he had put a real scare in me! And he had the cheek to grin like that! I sighed, smiling…
Lately I had been coveting him so much… he was doing everything in his power to be with me most of the time… I felt a pang of guilt slide in my stomach, I was really bothering him, wasn’t I?
“What’s that face for? You behave so erratically stupid at times that it’s hard to find the right words to make you see how I feel…”
Which made me even guiltier…?
I heard him sigh.
“I seem to have said the wrong thing….
Look, there are compromises involved when you prioritize things. My priority is you, so doesn’t that become the answer to your idiotic worry??”
I was still in denial; his reasons seemed to make me even more anxious…
“Do you regret……. … …that you love me?”
The answer came in the manner of a reflex.
“NO!”
He leveled his face with me to look into my eyes. These were those deep pools; they hadn’t changed from the moment I had laid eyes on him…
Sincerity and some cavernous and yawning emotion dwelled within the cerulean pair..
He said with a delicious, low voice,” so? Did you understand now?”
My eyes fell down n I nodded shyly…
..
..Today I had my first dream, it was Hiro and he was smiling over me, pointing at my belly. Ah! But I had woken up! I felt so warm inside the bed that I felt oversleeping a bit, snuggling in. but mom came to warn that I would be late for school… so I hurried up n on the way the remembrance of my strange dream made me think it must be the usual Hiro, acting perverted and stuff… chuckling to myself, I saw that I had already reached school.
Lessons were terribly boring today and I was glad that it was finally lunch break. Today I was eating with aya but just opposite Hiro and his group…
Sayuri-chan asked if I wanted the sashimi, its smell wafted towards me. I gagged & darted towards the washroom.
..
It nonplussed me, I hadn’t eaten anything that would make me sick… it had been tempura for last night’s dinner…
As I came out the washroom, Hiro was standing outside.
His agonized face, made me forget about these petty matters and I instantly said, “don’t worry! It’s fine. I was just feeling nauseous.”
Nonetheless, it kept on nagging me because even when I got home, I was still feeling green…
My complexion appeared paler. I decided to have an appointment with the doctor, mom decided to accompany me.
..
The sterilized smell of the hospital made the hard, insoluble memories to resurface. I hastened to get this over with.
…
Greetings passed between the doctor and me. He conducted his checkup, and I found his eyebrows shooting up as they disappeared in his fringe, he looked at me.
“Mikan, sit down.” He said, offering me a seat. He looked with a peculiarly kind expression.
Shock and relative confusion replaced the anxiety in me as I heard his next words.
“First of all, you’ll have to go to the obstetrics department, though there’s no need to worry. You are perfectly healthy.”
He quickly said, to stop my flummoxed & half-formed words…
..
..
..
“Congratulations! There’s a 3-week old baby, living in you!!”
If I could draw the state of my mind, it would be a single infinite line stretching on the canvas, nothing in sight for miles, near it.
…
…
…
…
…
I staggered back to my waiting mom. Shaking off her nagging fears, I told her mechanically, to get in the taxi as it was nothing to worry about…
My feet dragged over the ground, as I sat with head on the knees, back in my room.
No matter how many times my mind churned the same thing over, it was unbelievable!
Drawing in a deep breath, I started to bring back the last couple of months.
And it struck me.
I had expressed my complaints regarding his restraint from touching me; it was then that we had forgotten!
..
I had no idea of the amount of time that had passed. All the while, my decision had been slowly forming.
Giving him a short text message to meet me at the resto, I made haste to reach our place of rendezvous.
..
I was amazingly quite calm and collected. Normally my fingers would have fidgeted and I would keep glancing at the door. But not this time; I guess the belief in the strength of my decision gave me courage.
…
Hiro huffed, gasping for breath. Worry and acquisitiveness was etched in his face and now, I thought that he would finally get the answer to all.
He sat opposite to me in the booth.
“if you want to break up, I’m not hearing it!!!” and he laughed nervously. I was impressed by the control he had over himself- not trying to show me that he, indeed, was extremely on edge.
I had never heard, nor saw him being nervous.
Now that he was here, words failed me. I was racking my brains over how best to break it to him and also let him know my decision.
Closing my eyes, I pursed my mouth and thought to myself- worst case scenario would be him being angry and maybe slapping me! Exhaling sharply, I looked him in th eye.
“Hiro, I had been to the hospital.”
He looked relieved n then, expectant.
“I …”
.
“I’m … pr… I’m pregnant!”
He was expressionless for a moment.
BANG! His hands impacted on the table. I gave a start.
I braced myself for his justified anger.
But when I opened my eyes wanting to tell him my decision regarding the baby, he had already exited the resto;
The vacant seat implying that it would remain in its current state, the occupant would not come back.
…
All the time in the universe was passing at some unknown rate.
Thoughts raged my mind- of course! Why hadn’t I thought this possibility? Why did Hiro need to suffer this burden? But I had to tell him, hadn’t I??
The baby would, of course, grow; it was an enlightening knowledge that a life was already blossoming inside me & it was created with the person I loved the most. What else could be better?
Mom had once told me that babies were proof of their parents love. I believed this assertion. I didn’t want to erase our proof of love; even if Hiro felt otherwise. I guess Hiro would be leaving me. Wasn’t it inevitable?
I would endure it because I had a part of Hiro within me, who would stay with me forever.
Wild thoughts danced in my brain. If necessary, I would raise the child alone. I hadn’t considered my parents’ reaction. But it was predictable. I would try my best to convince them, definitely.
But I was able to bet my life on it- I would not be able to forget Hiro for the rest of my life.
The brain storm now, had become serene. But I still sat rooted to my seat.
It was nearing closing time. I got up to leave. Then I heard running footsteps.
Someone panted in front of me.
Hiro was wiping the sweat over his forehead with his sleeve.
He bent over on his knees.
Blinking, I waited with bated breath, disbelief and shock now replaced by curiosity.
He thrust at me, a stocking filled with Christmas toffee and candies and a pair of yellow gloves.
I was taken aback, as he exploded with speech-
Omedetou!!!!!
We will raise our baby together!! You must, you definitely are going to have our baby!!!!!!!
..
I couldn’t believe him!!!
Was this happening for real?
Wha..?
How?
Why?
…
I heard him exclaim doubtfully- Right? Ne, answer me!
A laugh escaped from my mouth- a relieved shaky laugh.
“Of course!!!”
His eyes had a curious and bright gleam…
He said playfully that he had bought yellow gloves because we had no idea whether our baby was a boy or a girl..
As for me, just the hopeful idea that Hiro was accepting our baby turning into reality, filled my heart with infinite joy…
..
..
Our baby had already started to live in this world…
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