hmmm i have managed to write more!! :) i'll be writing more and more and more!!! look forward to it...
here's the next part.... now if you dont mind, i'm feeling a li'l horny so i'm off.
A day before Christmas Eve
They say that when you want something from the heart, all the universe conspires to unite you with it.
The universe was certainly conspiring, in my case, it was trying to stop me at all costs from letting my wish unite with me; NOT conspiring to unite me with it. Seriously now, this universe has got some issues in letting me be happy…
Maybe, I felt sluggish from the long stagnation of the brain’s usage which made me feel that I was using it too much as if I had never used before. But I had to think constantly for faster routes through the railway. The snow, I had rejoiced when I thought of being reunited with it and the memories hidden in every fleck of it but that in itself had become the obstacle in my way to reach home. Nee chan had made a habit of exclaiming ‘now what?’ every time we reached a dead end.
Was she the older one here? I got us some new route at each instance… persistence was going to get me through this.
Christmas Eve
A lone bird had braved the cold and sitting perched on the bare skeleton of a branch, he began a cacophony of sounds. It continued for quite some time. A bass whistle shuddered through the gradually lightening frosty air, making the bird stop his speech and fly instantly away.
I sighed, envious of him as I stood up and woke nee chan.
The first train on this platform, the last part of our journey home, had arrived.
.
I had showered with cold water, dressed up, picked up the rice balls mom had made and gone straight out. There was no time to waste.
Finishing the hasty meal, I scoured the shops lit in heavy decorations of Christmas. I got to the right place and purchased the desired items.
.
He said that he would take care of the gloves and I would always buy the toffee filled stockings. I had done as promised, I smiled to myself. Checking my watch, I noted that it was still half an hour to go before deadline.
I hoped the cap donned in a hurry over my head was enough in this snow. I reached the park. My legs stopped of their own accord.
A fleck flurried over my nose. It melted as I stood looking down at the flower bed. Soon another took its place then it too melted away. Then another came, it went on, I stopped being aware of them after a while. I rubbed my eyes. But they were still in sight.
My knees buckled deep into the snow. I kept on squeezing my eyes, rubbing them and blinking really fast a lot of times, and each time the smiling snow man with a pair of yellow baby gloves and lots of chocolates and toffees became clearer even through the fog of my heavy breaths. My hands were shivering as they went near to confirm. The gloves got squeezed as I took in the familiar knitting pattern. My chest shuddered.
I got up as speedily as lightening and looked everywhere, each picture showed the wintry bare trees and snow only. But…
I ran near the swings but no one came into view. I searched the park as fast as I could with no result. I ran towards the entrance. I looked hard in the darkness but no silhouette passed by.
I took in a breath sharply-a crack! I had heard the crack of a dry twig!
My head whirled around as I ran towards the bare ground around the only tree in sight. I neared the huge trunk and I slowed down. Imperceptibly, I started rounding it and just when I expected to see that figure, my legs clogged.
There was no one.
The breath came out fiercely, fogging the air once more, blowing away the array of snow. Still scouring the scene in sight, I felt a sense of disillusionment.
As I got back to the flowerbed, a cavernous yawning made itself dawn on me.
He had come tonight. He had stood where I was. He had made the grave of our baby and laid the presents as I was laying them.
As this realization hit me, something hot began oozing and sliding down, touching the snowman below. It got hazy. I took a breath to steady myself.
Even though he said he didn’t love me anymore, he had come tonight. He had come to fulfill his promise, our promise to our baby… giving presents… he had even hand knitted the gloves…
He had been here so close to me!!
Why did he run away? I wanted to meet him! I wanted to yell at him for leaving me and ceasing to love me…
Most of all I wanted to SEE him. Why was he ignoring me?
I kept on sinking deeper into the snow…
Day after Christmas Eve
The pale wintry cold sun was finally coming up through the horizon. I watched it rise but left it in the middle to change the clothes. I generally avoided looking at myself and I didn’t remember how I looked. While changing, I caught a glimpse of a girl who had severe dark circles under the eyes and a blotchy blood red tomato for a nose. Sighing grimly I set off from the house, marching with fear in the pit of my stomach. Because of that, I didn’t feel any other emotion for a while. But as I got near the destination, adrenaline shot through me- a forgotten feeling being its source.
Crossing the bridge, I edged closer with every step feeling light-headed and it came in sight. Finally I came to a stop clicking together my feet as the effects wore off and the fear returned in full strength.
I stood in contemplation, expecting the street to be active, but it turned out to be deserted, crashing down all my hopes. After all what did I hope for? Hustle and bustle, some movement of the people who lived here? Or maybe?
My breath froze.
The familiar black jacket, the powerful frame which seemed to have undergone some loss in itself, and most eminent of all- the blue eyes which were to be seen twinkling even at this distance.
It was fortunate that I was behind an adjoining building’s wall already because at that moment, even if I had wanted to move, it was not going to be possible.
Right at that point in time, I wanted to do SO MANY things! I wanted to call out, I wanted to run, I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to look at those eyes, I wanted to hold him and also let him hold me, I wanted to talk, I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted to melt away in his warmth.
I couldn’t bring myself to do any of them. I just stood there, feeling that I would collapse any moment realizing that I hadn’t breathed for a while. The cold air hitting my lungs wasn’t enough but it prevented me from losing consciousness. My eyes feasted over him. In spite of myself, his picture became hazy, I blinked it away and again the clarity hit me.
I straightened, wanting to step forward. Another figure joined him.
Minako nee san came. I could hear their chatter at this distance thanks to the frost in the air.
“Hey kiddo, what are you doing here so early? “
“Ha ha…Well I’m enjoying the scenery, onee chan…” I didn’t miss the sarcasm in it. “Want to join?” he added in a careless voice. His voice strung at my heart…
It felt so content to simply see him and hear his voice. I felt numb but this was different than any kind of numbness I had experienced. This felt too good.
She laughed at his carelessness. Nuzzling his head gently, she said, “What’s with the cap? Is the cold weather getting to you?? Wimp!” and she laughed playfully.
“Stop your teasing, will you? These hats are in fashion!!!” and he tapped her hand away and adjusted his hat back.
This was nostalgic- it reminded me of the times at his home… Minako nee san always used to tease him. My cheeks were already hot, flushed and wet. But I looked steadily at them laughing, through my stinging eyes.
Somehow, a gust of wind blew strongly and their laughs came to an abrupt halt.
She gently squeezed his shoulder. “Hiro, you are such a brave person…”
“Let’s go inside.” His voice became gruff just like the times when anyone used to praise him… even at this distance, I could see his flushed cheeks.
The snow hit hard making me realize that my body had crumpled down.
Day of trains
He hasn’t changed, I thought as the arid grayish white scenery distorted past. Not one single thing has changed, but unfortunately when it comes to me… he doesn’t love me at all… he doesn’t even care about me. I recalled the visit for a millionth time.
.
As had occurred most times, it only took a small act to call upon the inevitable…
Minako nee san jerked back as she took the sight of me standing there…
No time for pleasantries, I muttered.
“Ummm, I want to meet him.” I didn’t see her expressions, the coward that I was. I had shut my eyes… then as if awaiting the end of the world. I opened them after the biting impatience.
Her face was hard. Poker face. “Come here.” She pushed me out.
I could see his window from here. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Please!” I tried to put all the hope, desperation, longing for him in that word.
The stiffness crumbled a bit but I still didn’t make out her expression as she told me to wait when she went inside to check if he was at home. I didn’t retort that I already knew the he was in.
When she came back, I could see the answer etched across her face by then.
“He says that there’s nothing to say so why meet up… look I’m sorry about this but it’s better if you left us alone and never came back here…” she left.
I thought I felt a stare so my head whipped to see at the top window. What I saw made me stagger but I reigned myself in to avoid any failure over the declining fragile control.
Such an expression of loathe I had never seen, for anyone that he hated. The hopes were rolling into an unrestricted trench. I wanted to hurtle down in addition to them. That would make me feel some pain at the least…
.
I wasn’t aware of the conclusions that had already begun to form in my heart about what I had seen the last few days. Or maybe, I didn’t have the audacity to reflect on it. So I was glad of the unruffled blur passing through the train’s window.
Silence was the best companion.
__/__/____
“Mikan, what have you thought about it then?”
Recently I didn’t think; about anything… but I did happen to hazard a guess about her subject of reference. Nevertheless I still tried to feign a defiant ignorance.
“What do you mean?”
She frowned as if she knew my feint… why was it so difficult? Why could she see through me in an instant??
“About leaving this place.” She had put it bluntly to save me anymore of the pretence. Somehow it felt she was trying to be kind, but now was not the time I needed compassion from her too…
Her barefaced thought made me wince.
But it was true… It had to be done.
I hadn’t ‘thought’ but as the events came to me all over again, particularly his face through the window, I found that this decision had already been made.
I didn’t respond to her question even though she was waiting. I merely went to the wardrobe and began throwing all my clothes on the bed.
As she came and took in my actions, she patted my head tenderly and began helping me with a diminutive smile over her lips.
__/__/____
The main problem was how to give the rent deposit back. I didn’t have any money on me. When my concern became known to nee chan, she said, “Don’t worry, I have it all figured out.”
She wasn’t ready to tell me her methods. I didn’t want her in a mess so I sneaked outside the door when she had gone to clear up the money matters. At first, their voices were low so I pressed my ear to the door.
“…I didn’t want to tell her. She yanked my head off to get a glance at the letter but I was pretty obstinate about it. I’m so glad that she has given up. You don’t have to fret though – about the rent; he left his share with me; well, more than his share… When I added up, it was actually the whole required money to be handed as rent.”
“Is that so?” the anxious voice of the land lady peered over the explanation…
“Saori, didn’t you say that this… something to this extent won’t happen with them? That they are, I mean… were different?”
Hearing that hurt more than I had imagined.
“I generally avoid renting rooms to couples precisely because of this.”
“I can’t believe it even now!!! Trust me, if I knew that he…this….” Nee chan’s frustrated and fuming voice flashed…
She blew her breath as if letting something off.
“I must say he has handled it swiftly… I was even going to let the amount go as you were involved but now I don’t think it’s necessary. The trivial expenses were only what remain now and its fine in ascension of letting them go.
I’ll take the money left by that boy…
You know, I understand what you mean Saori. His behavior was truly out of the blue! I saw him too for this short period. How could he…
I didn’t expect it at all… I thought I had a measure of him…”
That was enough for me. I withdrew to stand outside. Her utterances swirled with ramifications… but I still avoided to ‘think’…
__/__/____
It is damning when one is forced to ‘think’ even when they don’t want to.
There were so many pointers! They were showing up every time when I tried to convince myself that he didn’t care about me anymore… if the past events were carefully analyzed and thought over, little things came into view and they created optimism. I tried my utmost to quell it as soon as it flamed but with each piece of facts in reiteration they screamed at me to expect again.
So I tried sending letters. I don’t know how many I sent. I kept on sending them in a lot of numbers though. That didn’t work. For all I knew he could have smoothly burned them.
Then I tried the most palpable means of communication-telephone. It seems all his family members were in a unanimous plan to keep me away from contacting him; I thought Minako nee san would help a tiny bit at any rate....it didn’t turn out to be the case at all; on the contrary she was the most vehement in regard to let me talk with him. But I didn’t give up. This time I did add up and it had exceeded the number of 50 or more when he took the call which happened by luck too… he minimally listened to the identity of the caller and cut short my attempt at talking to spit out a single nonchalant sentence.
“Leave me alone because I do not care about you. You’re really bothersome.” And he hung up the phone. I didn’t call for some time but my mind kept on showing the diminishing buoyant images and conclusions formed in wake of those, so I kept on calling again… this time they hung me up straight forwardly, they didn’t even entertain in speech.
So I grew tired as the expectation began to wane.
This time for sure, it struck me as I recalled his voice. He didn’t care a dime about me.
__/__/____
The black abyss arrived again, now swallowing up the chink of anticipation and came to become one with me. I gladly welcomed it as a forgotten companion. The nightmares started.
The darkness was one with me. It had seeped into every pore of my skin, penetrated in each cell of my body. So I had become the darkness. Somehow it didn’t feel anything at all. I believed this was the preeminent way that seemed to help me survive. It also appeared to be the easiest. The pain couldn’t reach me here. It was a black calm chaotic abyss.
I constantly found something or the other to fill my mind with… the mundane chatter of people, the walls, and my breaths.
I noticed something which could be deemed as ‘difficult’ after starting to live with nee chan. The previous place, I blanched slightly, had been nearer taking less time for travel. Late night train journeys and early morning rush rides were problematic but I didn’t mind so much-the more time I spent outside made me feel a bit out of bounds. Nee chan noticed it though and she didn’t like it.
She presented her elucidation to me- changing our dwelling location.
Problem no. 1- she would have to travel long train rides to get to her workplace. The nearer we got to the school, the worse it would be for her. Most likely she would be in my current position.
Problem no. 2 – she and her boyfriend had been living together. Now I was crashing at her place so they had to bend a lot.
Problem no.3 – I had no independence whatsoever. I admit this was my predicament but it has to be considered of course, to solidify my excuse…
-My excuse of living alone.
I sought to work again. I wanted to be on my own. How long was it going to last to be inside someone’s aura of security. This sanctuary also gave me eminent uneasiness. There was no reason conceivable to make me have a thought like this because wasn’t it common, normal to need this sense of safeguard? Instead in realism I desperately longed to get away from it.
I kind of began searching for a place and unexpectedly, a bunch of older girls from school had a proposition of a shack nearby.
Generally I would have suspected it considering the type of persons who were in charge of it.
Taking in the lip piercings, the bleached hair, the leather collar neckpiece, metallic chains and the gaudy fake nails and I smirked internally. What the hell did I care who these people were?? I very much enjoyed actually… I didn’t mind them At All.
This new theory had been forming in my head. I was going to be all out on my own now. That meant defiance-towards everything related even remotely to ‘him’. The strange feeling gave me mirth when it wasn’t funny-at least it wasn’t supposed to be in the general sense. I had heard from nee chan. And even his letter suggested it; that I should take care of myself and be a good girl. ‘Good girl’ oh man, that sure made me snort out a laugh. A small and tiny voice retorted angrily, “what’s there to laugh about?” which made the hilarity double over. I couldn’t stop it. But it eventually stopped when my stomach began aching…
It was decided. I was going to live by myself. A foreseen complication pointed itself-Nee chan wasn’t going to take it well… but I had learned to absorb it all without any emotions tempering. It was getting easier to be composed.
My new and first friends were unbelievably these rock chics that had bumped into me accidentally. Truthfully, they had tried to bully me and make me pay for ‘hurting’ them. They saw it didn’t have any effect on me- their pathetic attempts and threats. So that impressed them a bit. They wanted me to join the ‘gang’. I didn’t really care. They were pestering me so I gave in and just stood there with them. It was stupid for them to feel powerful just by that.
Anyway, now I had found people. Most importantly a place to live… work was the hardest to come by. So these chics introduced me to a hostess club*.
*Host/Hostess clubs are places where attractive men and women are employed to go on paid ‘dates’ with the customers.
The pay was good. I did have to learn how to act all frilly frivolous which was ‘difficult’ to a certain degree. My wardrobe changed in the blink of an eye… I didn’t even see it happen.
This huge change.
__/__/____
I put the filter side out. Searching my pocket, I found it. The gas was just about to burn out so I needed a refill or a new one altogether. I would worry about that later. Clicking the button several times, the flame lit up. I held it close to the white part. Impatiently, I inhaled and felt an instant peace as the drug hit me. A few more transported me in a world of my own. It was very interesting that I had discovered this habit just two days ago. The smoke had hit me and choked. I had coughed to the point that I couldn’t even breathe…
The trait of stubbornness ran through and came alive as I hadn’t given up that day and soon after finishing, more like wasting a whole packet, it began to show the promised miracles. On the second day, the four packs lay at the side and I stopped feeling strange, nauseous after the first two drags.
Today I was feeling there sitting on the stairs that it was helping me clear everything and sense sharpness…
The ‘gang’ was talking about some *goukons {group dates} mostly with university students. There was some or the other date in the guise of a party hosted in celebration of trivial reasons (like someone forgetting to do homework or maybe finally doing it for once) everyday and I always passed on that kind of thing… today they weren’t going to take no for an answer though.
I would just have to sit there. Was it worth it? My time was wasted anyway finding game arcades and pachinko parlors… I might as well go for the stupid thing. So I did.
It was crowded, stuffy and noisy making me regret coming at all. One of the girls had already gone with some guy and the others were in the process. A spiky hair dude was trying to attract me. I felt bored to death. However he was persistent and he seemed to be from a med uni. I thought what the hell, I did this anyway at work; maybe this would end up in going a step further which didn’t really matter to me.
So I kept on encouraging his flirtations and he hurriedly took my hand and whisked out to find a hotel with a triumphant smile of victory. If only he had known…what was going on in my mind…
In the room he approached me gently. A panic storm lugged inside but I tried to shake it off. The suppressed store of that time was resurfacing. This was totally unanticipated. Why were they rearing and fostering like parasites now??? I stopped him and asked for a minute to which he acceded feeling a bit intimidated. I tried locking them up temporarily. But they were coming more strongly now. This frightened me as it had never before. Why now?? I had alcohol in enough quantity to make me dizzy but the cursed flood flowed with more vigour, cutting through the disorienting ambiguity. My knees couldn’t take it. I slid to the floor. His impatient footsteps were near making his thoughts transparently easy to read. Did I have it in me to satisfy the needs? The rush came severely as ever more. I couldn’t understand or stand it. I ran out as soon as I could.
.
The flare lit up instantly burning the end and I gratefully inhaled.
The smoke puffed out. I kicked off the heels on the pavement and rubbed my sore feet. As I remembered, it frustrated me. Was I never going to be able to live my life? Had I to be bound to that guy even at this point? I shook off the annoying queries and tried to be rational. Psychologically it was clear. I had been wounded then. The only person that had penetrated me or my body after that was him, I thought and felt disgust over it.
So could I never have anybody else??? Was this a curse??? DAMN IT. DAMN HIM! Why did he have to…? Why did he have to be the one …? In shock, I noted moisture over my cheeks. This was bad, I hadn’t let this happen since that time in Shinbashi… and it had been unquestionably, a lifetime since I had cried.
I was accursed, truly. How was this fair? There was no help to be expected. I was the only one who could amend what was erroneous… well there was a perfect plan for this. A grin eased over my lips as I wore my shoes again and stubbed out the cigarette butt under the heels.
__/__/____
Summer break had been an exciting anticipation, once. Not anymore. I dreaded it a bit because there was too much period to fill in. So I worked more shifts-too many of them. A hostess could only work for one club at a time which forced me to take other low paying jobs like working behind the scenes at a restaurant or a bar. I think I was getting more efficient with handling supplementary jobs in a variety. It was very effortless to concentrate on work because it was purely perfunctory.
Meanwhile I asked the ‘gang’ for more goukons but just when I needed them the most, things tended to fade away… only one chance came up when they found some high school kids… that ended up in a disaster too. I was far too stoic for any of them to try to impress me.
They promised to increase the number when school started. So I busied myself in jobs. I had no other choice. If I let myself be alone then obviously those plagues of remembrance would harass me.
Being a hostess was terribly tiring. I had to wear skimpy clothes, entertain dirty old geezers who got drunk in quantities more than they could handle and behaved egoistically... every night I came home around three or later and lay exhausted trying to hold myself... The new moon ensnared me more than ever now as I gazed out in the inky black sky. Of course there always were the stars but they grew fainter each time I glimpsed at them. The wind had stopped to be alive somehow, it had hidden in a recess somewhere... the sky failed to comfort me anymore and showed his true facade – a vast, vacant void.
Nothing made me ‘feel’...
“Mikan” was lost ashore to some unknown island, now there was some random girl who was a hostess, searched for quick ‘dates’, was emotionless and didn’t care about anything in particular. I don’t know what else she had become... a faceless person amongst the crowd...
