15th December 2006
We had come to think of all sorts of plans for our baby; “if it’s a girl, she will be a crybaby just like you!!!”
I quickly retorted him,” if our baby is a boy, he will have a really short temper, just like you!!”
I quickly retorted him,” if our baby is a boy, he will have a really short temper, just like you!!”
And then our laughs tinkled in the frosted air.
This evening, his parents had agreed to meet us. We were seated in Hiro’s living room & even if it was Hiro’s own house, he was dressed formally and he sat in a formal position.
His otou-san listened to us with a grave face.
I have to say that I was extremely impressed by how sensibly he took the whole thing.
“Are you serious about Sakura-san? Becoming a father at such a young age, is a hefty, responsible and firm act.
Are you sure you can take care of the baby and Sakura-san?”
..
“I will do my best!! There’s no question of ‘if’ I can do it, it’s only that I will do it!”
His confidence, it was dazzling! It gave me strength to believe him and stay put on our decision.
…
“They say ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way!’ well I think it’s true in your case. You have been strong-willed since a long time… “
Placing a trusting hand on his son’s shoulder, otou-san said,” I believe you. You will surely act as you promise.”
We caught each other’s eye & smiled a relieved smile.
The rest of the period passed happily & his parents were so kind. They had accepted me as a part of the family in such a short time…
As Hiro & I were leaving to go home, his mom called out to me to wait. Putting a muffler around me, she touched my cheek and said,” you have to take care of your body now! You’re a mother!!”
Minako nee had come out as well and shouted at me,” hey, Mikan! I’ll be the second one to hold the baby!!!”
Beside me, Hiro became irritated. ”why would you be the second one to hold our baby?? I will of course hold her after mikan!!”
I chortled, smiling to myself…
16th December 2006
It was so tense that, it could be cut by a knife- the atmosphere…
Dad seemed to be disapproving in his body language….
I was such a coward; I couldn’t get a single word out of my mouth!!!.... so Hiro had valiantly taken the lead & told them that I was pregnant.
Mom was in hysterics…. I felt disdain for such drama to occur; dad wouldn’t think favorably of it….
We both bowed formally to ask them for letting us raise our baby.
Dad was beyond angry. It was the first time I had seen him in this mood. I had a sinking feeling that this may not go as well as I had thought.
Saori nee was the only one who seemed to understand & support me… she couldn’t hide her shocked discomfiture though…
I hoped that after the initial shock & opposition, they would try to see our happiness…
Hiro hoped so with desperation too…
..
After Hiro had gone, mom came to my room.
She just sat calmly on the bed.
Then suddenly she hugged me tightly!
“Gomenna, Mikan! I couldn’t see your decision in my blind shock.
But after I thought that you were also going to become a mother, I remembered when I was in pregnancy…
Our hope to have you, raise you was also there. Maybe it’s similar to what you’re feeling right now…
Wakattayo…”
She smiled so gently with pain but happiness on her worried countenance.
I smiled too because at least she had tried to understand me… I smiled with gratitude that she had given birth to me & raised me…
I smiled with the happiest smile I could manage to tell her…
..
I slept in her lap for the first time in years, tonight. It was awesome!
20th December 2006
We went for the regular check-ups. The doctor gave me a picture when we had a sonography session. I rushed out of the ward & almost bumped into Hiro, he said I had to be more careful…
I shoved the picture in his face and told him to look at it.
Muttering about how I was such a pain, he peeked at it and stared for a long while.
Shakily he said,” is …… this our…baby???”
“YES,OTOU-SAN!!!”
He was amazed….
..
He was touching my stomach.
“you’re so lucky that you get to feel the baby!! I want to do that too…” he said morosely.
Disbelieving laughter rang from me…
Really Hiro was something else!! Wouldn’t it be normal not to wish a baby growing in you?? Men thought it was such a pain to carry such weight and be sick & everything.. I said so to Hiro.. but his innocent answer shocked me.
“why would it be a pain to wish something you love, to grow inside you?? Isn’t it better for it to be in you, with you, so that you can protect it always??”
..
..
..
This Christmas eve was momentous to us. An exciting wave had swept through & the tide continued again & again…
“this is the last Christmas that we’ll be spending together… next year we’ll watch the Christmas lights as a family of three!!”
I began to intercede him.” Aren’t we already a family of three??”
. “ yeah! You have a point!” his amused laugh rang through…
..
I had gotten used to the morning sickness, somehow.. Hiro had promised otou-san that he would keep coming to the house until dad yielded… it seemed dad could be as obstinate as Hiro… ah! This was such a stress…
Hiro always stands outside the house for dad. These days otou-san had to work late hours so Hiro stood even if it was 2 at night…. I felt extremely worried about all this…
I was anxiously squinting out of the window after turning off the lights. Hiro must be getting so cold!! He was rubbing his hands together. I threw him pocket warmer & hid under the window. After a while when I thought it was safe to peek at him, my phone beeped suddenly.
‘go to sleep BAKA!! Shouldn’t you protect your body?’
I knew he would say something like this.. but I couldn’t leave him in such disagreeable circumstances…
..
..
Dad finally came. He noticed Hiro, stared at him for several moments, then beckoned him to come inside.
.. we were all seated in the living room. Mom had advised me to go to my room & sleep, but I baulked her & adamantly sat beside Hiro.
…
“Sakurai, you have been extremely irresponsible, regarding my daughter. It is very cheeky of you to think that I would forgive you.
It hasn’t gone past me that my daughter trusts you with her life.
Don’t think that I have forgiven you for what you have done. I trust my daughter and her judgment, so the child…
Take care of her and the child well. Otherwise, I will be disappointed.”
My jaw almost dropped… I glanced sideways. Hiro looked astonished as well, suavely & steadily he gazed in wonder. His eyes held some indescribable amount of gratitude for the man in front of him.
He bowed his head to hide his happy tears.
“Dad, thank you! For believing in me.”
I leveled my eyes to express what I was feeling. His mouth crinkled upwards, his eyes full of some emotion which I couldn’t fathom.
..
..
..
The beads of happiness were kept on being added to our fate’s string…
Hiro came to meet me after I had retired to my room. In his enveloping warmth, I felt nothing else could touch me.
Dawn rose. The boisterous birds were chirping, which woke me from my sleep. hiro & I were contemplating in silence.
“if our baby is a girl, I’ll surely find her a worthy boyfriend!! I want it to be a girl!!”
..” aren’t you getting a bit ahead of yourself?? I want our baby to be a boy though…”
…
Our dreams were just as fragile as our child… but with everyone supporting us, & our love, we will nurture them to become stronger & stronger!!
22nd December 2006
I was on my way from the convenience store. Nee chan was lagging behind… so I left her & went on ahead to get home quickly.
Someone grabbed my hand & led me to an alley at the side.
The dim light obscured the face, but the build was slender so I guessed it to be a girl.
The sharp voice reverberated through me as I recalled it from the suppressed memories that began to prick me…
Saki!
“ You’re still with Hiro??? How thick-skinned can you get?? Don’t you have any sensitivity? I’m still giving you a chance to break up with him! Or you’ll keep regretting that you became his girlfriend….”
Such a dangerous & silky voice… I wondered whether she got tired to keep on harassing me..
The calm voice of mine quivered in the air.
“aren’t you exhausted? Haven’t you learned that no matter what you plan, Hiro isn’t going to leave me!?”
Perhaps she hadn’t wanted to hear my truthful assertions, so rage filled that beautiful face & made her look very ugly indeed.
I always provoked her. But I didn’t escape the consequences & shift the blame on anyone. I understood quite clearly what I was doing. And I was responsible for what she had done next.
Stomping towards me, her walk was like a predator.
I expected her to slap me or something similar…
But she kicked me, surprising strength….
I planned to take on her hits because that was the only way she was going to let out her feelings….
…
“Mikan!!!!!!!!” a shout echoed through the expectant still air.
When I had opened my eyes, Saki had already run away.
Nee chan was looking for me. I had been quite a long time in reaching home.
Even though my mind had been determinate enough to take her abuse, I was relieved that nee chan had in deliberation, saved me.
Our happiness was like a soap bubble, when I regarded it as a rock… I had an illusion in my mind; that was all.
I was naïve, innocent in trusting.
Trusting that happiness could be like a rock… unchanging, solid and permanent.
Clearly, happiness could always only be pursued, never be attained. Because whenever we get close to it, touch it then it vanishes dramatically… leaving only a memory of it.
And memories- time can erase them… unless recalled for repeatedly… but humans always forget because to Err is only, after all, Human.
24th December 2006
The city had been decorated with such aplomb!! It exceeded itself!!!
At central park, couples dominated the Christmas tree but I hardly noticed because we were strolling down the path, flanked by bare cherry blossoms, covered with pink lights.
…
Vision was blurring.
I grabbed my belly, sharp pain sent pangs of tremors through me. The pain was only growing in intensity.
Hiro was gently shaking me. But I couldn’t find enough energy to utter a single word. Collapsing over the ground, I writhed, unaware of my surroundings.
Through the haze of pain, I heard sirens, movement, and then the sterilized smell which I hated…
After feeling my back cushioned, I saw the black veil falling over …
…
…
The piercing white bright light hurt my eyes. I wanted to lay there for a few more seconds, but the cruel white was pricking me as if mocking my helplessness…
Blinking many times over, the source of that contemptuous light came into focus.
I sprang up quickly and dizziness was cursory in it’s manner to set in. flopping on the bed again, I touched my stomach.
..
Something was wrong!
It felt cold and vacant where I touched…. How was the baby???
A nurse stepped in and I hurriedly queried her but she waved all my questions and checked something only to go out of the room again.
I couldn’t understand. Shallow breaths and darting eyes; I was a haunted figure…. The IV felt like a handcuff…
..
As mom came in, my mind broke into relief.
..
“kaa-chan, what happened ? the nurse just wouldn’t answer me. Tell me!!”
I hadn’t noticed in the haze of my own anxiety that her brows were furrowed, sadness and torment incised over her countenance.
Tenderly, she took my hand and sighed imperceptibly. My entire being felt on edge. Their reactions felt like vacuum.
“the baby? Its about the baby, right?”
In such a situation I felt a sense of security in assuming the worse. Surely, the baby would be fine. Mom is quickly going to say that it’s fine. Surely..?
But her face turned even more tortured.
“ the baby ……….
..
..
..
..
It’s … no longer in your stomach.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I kept staring at her. Obviously, it couldn’t be the truth. She was definitely surely simply scaring me. Maybe she was going to burst out laughing any second now. So I kept on watching the deep brown caches.
They were saying that there was only the vain hope and cowardice; that I had to accept it; What they call the Truth.
But how could it be? The baby was so warm inside me; he was right there within me a little while ago. How could he be gone?
..
NO. NO. I refuse to acknowledge this!
h….Hiro! he will agree with me. He will reassure me that our baby is just fine.
“kaa-chan, don’t lie! Where’s Hiro! Tell me! He will come and say the truth; that our baby is well.”
“Mikan! What are you saying? The baby isn’t here anymore!”
Between the words tears began to spill, mom started to cry earnestly.
Like the earth had shattered, the tears convinced me that my baby; our baby, was no longer in me; he wasn’t growing, he wouldn’t see this world. Everything clouded. Something wet dropped on my hand. I looked down to see what it was-a drop of water. Something salty tasted on my lips…
The water kept on flowing and leaking…like it was cascading from a crack in a dam… the crack was deepening as the pressure overwhelmed the strength of the dam’s ability to restrict it. Then it burst. The water couldn’t be stopped. Even with consciousness, it refused to be obstacled…..
..
..
..
After Time, I asked her about Hiro n she replied that he ran out as soon as he heard that the baby was in danger…
Through the fog of this insurmountable feeling, I wondered whether he would return. I had let our baby die. The medical men had it so easy to term the departure of the baby as a ‘miscarriage’… a knock sounded and the doctor came, asking mom to leave us in privacy.
..
“Mikan, I’m really sorry about your loss.
I wanted to ask you, had you fallen sharply, in the recent weeks?”
I felt blank. So I had to consume time and let the question be absorbed by the brain…
But it didn’t come to me. Nothing.
So I didn’t speak.
“ you understand that miscarriages don’t happen unless there has been internal injuries to the stomach. That’s why it’s said that pregnant women must take care of their bodies. You must have had a fall.
That has led to this unfortunate incident.
I’m sorry to ask you in such a situation but please. I beg you to think over it. Try.”
Leaving it at that, he left.
Dragging this paralysed brain of mine over what happened in the previous weeks, I came upon it. The memories had been nerve wrecking but happy. The petty incident had left no impression in the eye of what had happened later…
..
Saki had pushed me when she made her confrontation.
..
..
..
Even after knowing this, my guilt stubbornly refused to vanish.
…. I needed Hiro… I wanted to talk to him…
Mom came to prepare for leaving for home.
..
I heard panting and huffing as we were waiting for dad to bring around the car at the exit.
Hiro was clutching his stitch in the side.
Mom gently let go of my arm.
I lugged my feet toward him secretly relieved to watch his face.
Waiting for him to breathe normally, I thought with what expression should I tell him??
He straightened up and I looked below.
“so?”
I panicked and almost wanted to run away. But my feet were rooted to the ground.
I mumbled, “the baby, our baby… it’s gone.”
I had no courage to look at him n this time I didn’t want him to answer so avoiding eye contact, I sunk into my pit of guilt.
He slid on the ground. As I saw his helpless figure, it reminded me of myself and I thudded down too, the tears freezing as soon as they came out.
At first he kept shaking his head. But my tears told him…as mom’s had said to me…
We just kept shaking our heads and sobbing into each other…
…
…
…
…
…
A little time had passed as we tried to sober up. I merely felt that the guilty tears weren’t to be showed to Hiro, he had enough of them. So putting a leash on them, I glided thoughtlessly with Hiro, as he moved in n out of shops.
The wind that was special to Hiro’s favourite place, came with us, to console n mourn…
At the park near my house where we had met, Hiro decided.
He made a snowman, I simply kept watching without any thought process. He laid a pair of yellow gloves and some candy on it.
He had been making a grave, for our baby. He said,”I hope our baby will be happy wherever he might be. We would never forget him, he will keep on living in us.”
I prayed with him n promised myself that I too would never forget our baby, our love.
We would come here till we died, to pray for our baby at Christmas eve.
As I looked upwards, the night sky was forlorn, with no sign of stars or the moon; the wind wailed. A cold white light fluttered over my nose; It had started to snow. This snow seemed like the sky was crying for us, with us…
25th December 2006
I’M SORRY.
I’m sorry my baby. I couldn’t protect you. Your mom was weak. It was my entire fault.
The eyelids felt heavy as the weak morning sunshine fell over my face, my body felt sore.
My breakdown had exhausted me so much that I slept on the floor…
It really was my fault that he’s not there with us today…
My incompetence, lack of thinking n courage-the baby had died because of me. I was hysterical over it but Hiro listened to me calmly… he also asked me to meet at the meadow…
The wind was imperceptible today without any force…
It only surrounded our bodies, the trees and grass around us…
Hiro’s scent blended so well with this place…
Taking my hand, he looked me in the eye.
“the baby is still alive in our hearts. Somehow, it became weak … the reason is unknown. We cant bring him back with guilt…
What we can do is look forward. Sorrow needn’t shadow the time we spent with him. Love gives only happiness. Our baby was, is and forever will be the proof of our love. Love only grows, it’s the only power that grows but never diminishes, the energy that can only be created but never be destroyed, it defies the law of nature n physics… because it’s such a miraculous power..”
The wind had become a breeze, whipping my hair…
We sat watching the sky. The cerulean became lighter tinting with yellow. Orange and red splashed in them with Time, blotting the sky’s canvas… the indigo purple spread like a moss, the first star twinkled…
My heart squeezed gently. Everyday n every moment, my love for Hiro grew, maybe only the sky could contain it, this cerulean sky of love….
My love’s sky…
恋空
……………………………
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