Sunday 30 September 2012

Woot, Woot!! Another amazin' book to boot!!

WOW, like, is my luck runnin' high or what? cuz lately i've been coming across great books all the time!!!!!!! Maybe it's cuz i've been tortured enough to read one worst book in the history of the Books... But whatever, do you hear me complaining??
So i've just completed this terrific book called Catching Jordan and you would NOT believe  that it's so good if you simply read the summary!!!!!!!!!!! This book has it all- Strong female protagonist, real situations, real people, real everything. I can believe that right now someone called Jordan is living in another part of the world with a burning passion for football.... someone called Henry is her best friend, someone called Donavan Woods is her father the great star in the football world....... This book has everything you want to read if you're a realist. It will appeal to you even if you're a cynic... (Believe me cuz i am one!!) I loved the way things were handled and the Author Ms. Miranda Kenneally has gained my respect... Now i'm thinking like all these authors are so great will my book even get through to an editor?? God!! I can't wait for her next book - Stealing Parker!!!!!!! She's on the levelof Ms. Corrine Jackson for me and thats the best compliment and critic i can give!!
I can't find anything bad with this so don't get the one or two stars... Cuz even when i read the spoilers i was more eager to complete this book!! I know, right?!  Don't forget to check the goodreads and other blogs!!! if  you want some spoilers here are good reviews on blogs -

http://rhapsodyinbooks.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/review-of-catching-jordan-by-miranda-kenneally/



http://booksoverboys.blogspot.in/2012/04/spoiler-alert-fangirls-on-catching.html





Friday 28 September 2012

A book that makes you feel Alive.

Right now i'm feeling as alive as i've never felt like it before. I am aware of every breath i take, the breath feeling up and down against my wind pipe, every cell in my body tingling, every muscle taut.... I feel like i have been made to face a death coming to me head-on. I feel like i'm alive in that moment. You would think this is all because of something like a life threatening situation but it's not. It's because i just finished reading a. Book.
I've never been pulled into a book like this ever! EVER! I would be prepared to bet that even you guys haven't experienced something like this EVER! My top favourite author has become Ms Corrine Jackson. And i'm NOT kidding! I would tell you to run up to your nearest book shop and get this book ASAP without waiting even for a SECOND, that's how good this book is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real Fiction DOES NOT get better than this!!!!!!!!!!! I am absolutely in love with this book. Every character in this book is fully rounded off and beautiful (Yes, even Nikki for those who have read it!) This explains the gray areas of human nature in the best way i could ever have wanted to be explained! I will NEVER forget this one and probably read it more than i've ever read any other book.... This book doesn't feel like a book at all because you can believe that it's happening for real somewhere out there in the world every second of it and this is the one reason it tops the list of my all-time favs... Every character feels as if they're real and alive.

BEST BOOK i've ever read! Ms. Corrine Jackson, i'm a fan i'm screaming for more books from you cuz i know i'll be ready to gobble them up just after you've produced them!!


IF YOU STILL HAVE NOT GOT IT, GO GET IT AND READ!!!

Thursday 27 September 2012

I'm SLAMMED and travel to a POINT OF RETREAT!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOOD!! I have cried so much reading them that i'm beginning to lamely excuse that it's cuz of PMS!!!!! I was sooooooooo apprehensive about finally getting down to read this raved book because the last book with the same genres had been my worst mistake ever!! I sarcastically went over the appreciating comments as they reminded me of the comments of the worst book i had ever read.... but i decided to go ahead anyway and GOD AM I SOOOO THANKFUL AT MY TINY COURAGE!! If I would not have read this series, i would really have missed out on a great author and a great person!! Sure there are melodramatic sappy parts after all which book doesn't have flaws?? All the would-be-annoying-and-irritating things about the book literally washed off of me and drowned away by the mind blowing and fantastic never-before-seen prose of Ms. Hoover. *RESPECT!!* I won't give you any spoilers cuz it's best read without having known any but it's also not fair of me as i already had read them when i decided to continue from my 2-pages-only-read book. i decided to trust it and DID IT PAID OFF OR WHAT!!?? I love the author, cuz somehow an instinct tells me that the books reflect the authors character maybe cuz she loves the Averette Brothers so much??! LOL!! Because of her, i've also fallen in love with them now i cant help myself from researching them!! Also i would recommend that you get to know what slam poetry is before starting this series but either way you're gonna LOVE it!! ;) !!  I'm ecstatic even after going through the roller coaster of emotions i went through as i started the book at dawn and finished the series by dusk.... I can't help loving every character she has created!!!! although in the first installment, i was a bit disgruntled at Layken it soon left me, Ms Hoover worked a magic which very many precious few, of the infinite stretch of books i read, manage to do...! I would recommend this to everyone! It's inspiring and every other sappy crappily 'fitting' emotion out there in everyone's review !! I can't get over some of the poetry! *sigh* even when this was supposed to be realistic but Ms Hoover couldn't pull it off, she managed to make me not care about the melodrama which surprisingly few authors can do... Read it for the emotions and not the realism... Though do read it!! actually there are too many that i would like to mention but  i will try to list some beautiful quotes from the memorable series that i will find very hard to forget too soon!



“Imperfections define perfection”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Choose your battles, but don't choose very many.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“God Layken. How do you do it? she says. She blows her nose and grabs another tissue out of the box. How do I do what? I sniff as I continue to wipe the tears from my eyes. How do you not fall in love with him? The tears begin flowing just as quickly as they had ceased. I grab yet another tissue. I don't not fall in love with him. I don't not fall in love with him a lot!”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Sometimes life gets in your way. 
it gets all up in your damn way. 
But it doesn't get all up in your damn way
because it wants you to just give up and let it take control. 
Life doesn't get all up in your damn way because it just wants you to hand it allover and be carried along. 

Life wants you to fight it
Learn how to make it your own. 
it wants you to grab and axe and hack through the wood. 
It wants you to get a sledgehammer and break through concrete. 
It wants you to grab a torch and burn through the metal and steel until you can reach through and grab it.

Life wants you to grab all the organized, the alphabetized, thechronological, the sequenced. It wants you to mix it all together, 
stir it up,
blend it.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“If I live the life I'm given, I won't be scared to die.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Push your boundaries, that's what they're there for.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“respect the hand that I was dealt. And to be grateful I was even dealt a hand.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Always remember there is nothing worth sharing, like the love that let us share our name.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“So you keep your ocean, I'll take the Lake.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Life wants you to fight it.
Learn how to make it your own. 
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Find a balance between head and heart.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“It's not just lies they're referring to. It's life. You can't run to another town, another place, another state. Whatever it is you're running from-it goes with you. It stays with you until you find out how to confront it.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“To my babies,

Merry Christmas. I'm sorry if these letters have caught you both by surprise. There is just so much more I have to say. I know you thought I was done giving advice, but I couldn't leave without reiterating a few things in writing. You may not relate to these things now, but someday you will. I wasn't able to be around forever, but I hope that my words can be.

-Don't stop making basagna. Basagna is good. Wait until a day when there is no bad news, and bake a damn basagna.

-Find a balance between head and heart. Hopefully you've found that Lake, and you can help Kel sort it out when he gets to that point.

-Push your boundaries, that's what they're there for.

-I'm stealing this snippet from your favorite band, Lake. "Always remember there is nothing worth sharing, like the love that let us share our name."

-Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at it.

-And Laugh a lot. Never go a day without laughing at least once.

-Never judge others. You both know good and well how unexpected events can change who a person is. Always keep that in mind. You never know what someone else is experiencing within their own life.

-Question everything. Your love, your religion, your passions. If you don't have questions, you'll never find answers.

-Be accepting. Of everything. People's differences, their similarities, their choices, their personalities. Sometimes it takes a variety to make a good collection. The same goes for people.

-Choose your battles, but don't choose very many.

-Keep an open mind; it's the only way new things can get in.

-And last but not least, not the tiniest bit least. Never regret.

Thank you both for giving me the best years of my life.

Especially the last one.

Love,

Mom”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“According to the thesaurus... and according to me... there are over thirty different meanings and substitutions for
the word
mean.
(I quickly yell the following words; the entire class flinches- including Will)
Jackass, jerk, cruel, dickhead, unkind, harsh, wicked,
hateful, heartless, vicious, virulent, unrelenting, tyrannical, malevolent, atrocious, bastard, barbarous, bitter, brutal, callous, degenerate, brutish, depraved, evil, fierce, hard, implacable, rancorous, pernicious, inhumane, monstrous, merciless, inexorable.
And my personal favorite—asshole.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Never judge others. You both know good and well how unexpected events can change who a person is. Always keep that in mind. You never know what someone else is experiencing within their own life.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Does he treat you with respect at all times? That's the first question. The second question is, if he is the exact same person twenty years from now that he is today, would you still want to marry him? And finally, does he inspire to be a better person? You find someone you can answer yes to all three, then you've found a good man.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“I've never regretted it. Questioned it? Sure. But never regretted."

"Is there a difference?" I ask.

"Absolutely. Regret is counterproductive. It's looking back on a past that you can't change. Questioning things as they occur can prevent regret in the future. I questioned a lot about my relationship with your father. People make spontaneous decisions based off of their hearts all the time. There's so much more to relationships than just love.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“BLUE SWEATER

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Do you hear that?

That's the sound of my heart beating...

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Do you hear that? That's the sound of your heart beating.

It was the first day of October. I was wearing my blue sweater, you know the one I bought at Dillard’s? The one with a double knitted hem and holes in the endsof the sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold but I didn't feel like wearing gloves? It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like reflections of the stars on the ocean.

You promised to love me forever that night...

and boy

did you

ever!


It was the first day of December this time. I was wearing my blue sweater, you know the one I bought at Dillard’s? The one with a double knitted hem andholes in the ends of the sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold but I didn't feel like wearing gloves? It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like reflections of the stars on the ocean.

I told you I was three weeks late

You said it was fate.

You promised to love me forever that night...

and boy

did you

ever!


It was the first day of May. I was wearing my blue sweater, although this time the double stitched hem was worn
and the strength of each thread tested as they were pulled tight against mygrowing belly. You know the one. The same one I bought at Dillard’s? The one with holes in the ends of the
sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold
but I didn't feel like wearing gloves? It was the same sweater
you said made my eyes look like reflections of the stars on the
ocean.

The SAME sweater you RIPPED off of my body as
you shoved me to the floor,

calling me a whore ,

telling me

you didn't love me

anymore.

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Do you hear that? That's the sound of my heart beating.

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Bom Bom...

Do you hear that? That's the sound of your heart
beating.

(There is a long silence as she clasps her hands to her stomach, tears streaming down her face)

Do you hear that? Of course you don't. That's the silence
of my womb.

Because you

RIPPED

OFF

MY

SWEATER!

― Colleen HooverSlammed
“That's not a good idea.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“Understanding a situation doesn't always make it easier”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“For once in my life, I was here and nowhere else.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“My name is Olivia King

I am five years old.

My mother bought me a balloon. I remember the day she walked through the front door with it. The curly hot pink ribbon trickling down her arm, wrapped around her wrist. She was smiling at me as she untied the ribbon and wrapped it around my hand.

“Here Livie, I bought this for you.”

She called me Livie.

I was so happy. I’d never had a balloon before. I mean, I always saw balloons wrapped around other kids wrists in the
parking lot of Wal-Mart, but I never dreamed I would have my
very own.

My very own pink balloon.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed
“There are three questions every woman should be able to answer yes to before they commit to a man. If you answer no to any of this question, run like hell.”
― Colleen HooverSlammed

 


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Tuesday 25 September 2012

FUCKIN' PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Doesn't come close to my real feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Thoughtless (Thoughtless, #1)Thoughtless by S.C. Stephens


No disrespect to the authore or ugh I could care less. Whatever... I will try to warn through this angry haze that there are spoilers ahead... I do NOT care if you read them, whatever...
RIGHT. NOW. I. WANNA. FUCKIN'. KILL. SOMEONE. BEFORE. SLOWLY. TORTURING. THEM. BY. HITTING. THE. FACE. OR. WHATEVER. PART. OF. THE. BODY. I. COME. INTO. CONTACT. WITH.
MY BROTHER JUST ACCIDENTALY CAME IN MY ROOM AND I DROVE HIS ASS OUT CUZ I WAS FUCKIN' FREAKIN' SO ANGRY!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AND HE SAID BOOK GEEKS ARE WEIRD I DIDN'T. EVEN. LAUGH. AT THAT ONE WHEN NORMALLY NO MATTER HOW PISSED I WOULD HAVE BEEN, I WOULD HAVE AT LEAST LAUGHED AT THAT RETORT!!
AND THIS EVEN DOES NOT COVER WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MY GOD!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN, I STILL HAVE TO FINISH THE BOOK AND ITS REMAINING SHIT BUT I COULDN'T HANDLE MYSELF AND TRAIPSED OFF TO VENT WHATEVER I COULD WITH WORDS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN WRITE COHERENTLY BUT RIGHT NOW I'M ASHAMED OF BEING THE SAME GENDER AS THE SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISM OR MAYBE SOMETHING EVEN LESSER BEING NAMED *SNORT*  WHATSERNAME?? - kiera  *gags* *vomits violently* blah blah whatever I couldn't have cared less, which sentiment doesn't even cover it!!!! I REGRETTED FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT I READ A BOOK *insulted and humiliated*.... I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE AUTHOR WAS GOING FOR EXCEPT THAT SHE REALLY WANTED THE WORLD TO HATE THAT BLOB OF A CREATURE.... OH WELL, HATE IS FAR TOO LIGHT A WORD FOR THE WAY I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW .. I'M SURE A LAW ABIDING GOD FEARING PERSON WOULDN'T EVEN MIND THAT THEY KILLED THIS UNTHINKABLE PEICE OF "kiera" *aneurysm + choke +heart attack* SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should I stop now, can I stop????????????????? I'll go back to complete the book because I wanna hate it thoroughly so I have to complete it.
*goes back to read extremely  reluctantly but getting one word in, comes running back*
OK, I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETED CUZ THE SECOND I WENT BACK TO THE BOOK THE WORDS MADE ME FEEL WORSE AND NOW I'LL ASK SOME RANDOM QUESTIONS? IF YOU HAD A HOT BOYFRIEND THAT WAS PERFECT IN ALL THE WAYS YOU COULD ASK FOR, WOULD YOU STILL FEEL AROUSED BY A COMPLETE STRANGER YOU HAD JUST MET JUST BECAUSE HE WAS "HOTTER" THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND? I MEAN, HOW SHALLOW CAN YOU GET? WOULD YOU WHINE, CRY OR GET UPSET TERRIBLY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND TO BE PHYSICALLY WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE HE HAS WORK THAT PAYS FOR THE BILLS WHEN YOU LIVE TOGETHER AND HAS TO TRAVEL TO ANOTHER CITY FOR IT FOR TWO MEASLY MONTHS??? WOULD YOU END YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE HE WASN'T CLOSE TO YOU PHYSICALLY AND HAS DECIDED TO WORK HIS ASS OFF TO DETERMINE A SECURE INCOME FOR THE BOTH OF YOU AS HE HAS ACCEPTED A JOB IN A FARAWAY CITY FOR TWO YEARS AND YOU CANT BE TOGETHER WITH HIM PHYSICALLY AS OFTEN AS YOU ARE NOW??? ARE YOU SUCH A SPINELESS ORGANISM THAT YOU HAVE TO DEPEND ON YOUR BF EVERY SINGLE SECOND  OF YOUR FUCKIN' LIFE TO LIVE YOUR FRIGGIN' LIFE? CAN'T YOU HANDLE SOME DISTANCE FOR THE GOOD OF BOTH OF YOU? IF YOU STARTED TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE DURING YOUR RELATIONSHIP HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? EVEN IF YOU LOVED YOUR BF YOU STILL HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE THEY AROUSE YOU, RAISE YOUR HORMONE LEVELS AND YOU "CAN'T" CONTROL YOUR BODY???? I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A LAMER EXCUSE! YOU KEEP SHITTING BOTH GUYS AND STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE A SLUTTY WH*RE AND YOU ACCUSE THE OTHER GUY FOR TRYING TO GET OFF ON WOMEN WHEN HE TRIES TO FORGET YOU CUZ IT'S THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BF... ? YOU KEEP HURTING BOTH OF THEM AND ONLY CARE ABOUT YOUR OWN SHITTY SELF WHEN YOU EVEN TRY TO THINK ABOUT THE SITUATION REGARDING THE THREE OF YOU!!...THEN YOU DON'T WANNA TELL YOUR BF THAT YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR AND KEEP ON LYING CUZ YOU WANT BOTH THE GUYS TO F*CK YOU... YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL GUILTY ENOUGH TO TELL THE TRUTH CUZ YOU JUST WANNA PROTECT YOUR SELFISH. MISERABLE. UNWORTHY. ASS. WOW... WHEN THE BF FINALLY CATCHES YOUR LIES YOU STILL WANT 'TIME' TO THINK IT THROUGH AND CHOOSE ONE GUY AND HURT BOTH OF THEM WITH YOUR RELUCTANCE (HELL! DOWN RIGHT DEFIANCE), TO NOT CHOOSE ONE OF THEM AND WANT BOTH AT THE SAME TIME OR CHANGE YOUR MIND EVERY OTHER SECOND AS YOUR MIND FLITS BETWEEN THEM INFINITELY/i>.... I FEEL LIKE BILE RISING THROUGH MY THROAT. AND THE REST OF MY ORGANS CORRODED WITH ACID..
AND THIS ISN'T EVEN THE WORST OF IT. ( I KNOW!!) THE BF GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO CHOOSE HIM OVER THE AFFAIR BUT LIKE EVERY HORMONE FUELLED  GIRL (I DON'T KNOW EVEN ONE, THIS IS A FIRST ) YOU WANT TO F*CK BOTH. SICK. BUT THE ADJECTIVE DOESN'T EVEN DO ENOUGH JUSTICE... THEN (Yes! Imagine that there's MORE!) WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT BEING ALL INTIMATE WITH THE OTHER, BY YOUR BF HE GOES VOLATILE OVER THAT OTHER, AND YOU JUST FRIGGIN'. STAND. THERE. WATCHING WITHOUT INTERRUPTING TO SAVE YOUR WORSE. THAN. THE. WORST. ASS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I WAS ANGRY AT THAT POINT CUZ I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT NOTHING MORE OR MAYBE SOMETHING LESSER OF AN ACT WAS EXPECTED OF HER.. HAHAHAH.. WOW... JUST WOW. *clenched teeth* Don't think I'm done as I'm far from it but if I keep on continuing I could die writing this and no one would care.. I won't recommend this to someone who's a feminist, a softy, or my friend or ANYONE. EVER. PERIOD.

Oh yeah *falsely bright voice heavily laced with sarcasm*!! Did I mention how much I've come to hate 'blushes', even more so than after finishing The Fifty shade of idiot Grey?? You will too, once you read this book... And you'll have to overcome the insane but fitting urge to throw your boots or the heaviest object you can find and hurl it to crash something fragile and dumb.... I couldn't help myself from the incessant sarcastic comments slippin' outta my mind out loud everytime
the stupid bitch's whining (supposed "guilt") *rolls eyes* about the two guys and specifically the rock  dude, (even though when my brother heard me talking out loud to myself, once again he was mumbling about strange book geeks; normally at which I would be mortified and pick a fight with him but this time I didn't care enough to even comment!) and scan the page awkwardly.. and I was too disgusted to even notice the sexual scenes *holding hair over to actually thoroughly vomit* I have respect for the rock dude but I think no other decent person possessing dignity deserves such a deceitful slutty wh*re {I repeat this isn't enough to describe her *grimaces as if wounded life-threateningly with a stab in the stomach* "character" (UGH!! EWWWWWW!! NOT SURE I CAN CALL IT THAT!!) cuz she's completely somebody else in the first few pages and nothing at all in the remaining (if it can be called that) book}..... AHHHH!! AGONY!!! I feel regret to even try to have read this book!!
or maybe I have too much of a problem with infidelity as I take it for granted that relationships are about loyalty..... *rolls eyes way too obviously and loudly* Writing this whole thing I didn't even use proper punctuation and capitalisation as I was so angry and after calming down I corrected my mistakes for a half an hour !!!
Peace Out..



View all my reviews






Thursday 20 September 2012

New Fifty Shades of Mr. Shitty Christian Grey completed!!

Okay guys i'm back salivating with some more reviews from my recent reading stint, yet again!!!!!!!!!!! And yes, you've guessed it correct when you read the title that this post is about The Fifty Shades series which has been frankly quite hot to be read if internet is to be believed!! (high chance of that maybe...) Everyone knows about the romantic erotic novels of Fifty Shades of Grey and if you don't, i think you live in a hermit crab's shell somewhere buried in sand!!!! Truth be told i'm really generally disappointed with this series- book in singular, whichever way you take it.... When i took it to reading i had already read the reviews and all of them were bad but the few good ones didn't seem to be quite balancing at all. But i pride myself to be an objective analyzer so i bravely took up the challenge of getting through the whole series. In the middle of the first 5 chapters or so, i found myself writing down my thoughts as i read the books so now i'm going to share all these word for word in this post.
So i'm wondering where to start off with what i wanna say actually.... because my brain has been fucked up by the book.. badly.... I've decided i'm gonna adapt a conversational tone with this review to tone down the boredom and hostility but it's one sided (You can make it mutual by commenting on the views or somethin'!!) First thing i think of is- when i ask myself what comes to my mind hearing the phrase 'Fifty shades of grey' i find myself inadvertently thinking about businessmen (because of the word grey, maybe?)  So coincidentally i turned out to be right when i read it's synopsis on Wiki! But after that other links in the chain light off in my brain. It could be about the complex shades of grey in us when we live in a black or white world. Maybe a comin-of-age book? I think about drab mechanical prose and   business deals of entrepreneurs, grey experiences with other people from their sphere, maybe even the possibility of hope for his doomed soul after a life in darkness (blame it on too many mangas... Tsutomi Takahashi more particularly!) and i am proved right in some of my guesses but shockingly all my ideas were shown in the poorest light, they could just pass the description of the book..... I was shocked when i read the genre as well as the plot line!!!!!!I had read somewhere that The author got off inspiration from the Twilight series and frankly there's too much resemblance...even in the sentences put together- it's like she took out- scooped out sentences and pasted, matched them to the imaginary situations in this book... From the start i keep grinning,laughing silly over the similarities! Of course the words irritate me because of the oozing 'submission'(pun intended!!) from the female lead.... Honestly? I'm so tired of the abusive language and swear words between every sentence- Oh i stumbled, Holy shit.... Oh i have to help my friend because she's sick, holy crap, Oh Christian Grey  eats food, holy fuck, oh i have dressed informally for something formal, holy cow, Oh I asked a question listed to me by my friend for whom i'm taking this interview, Holy cow ... What's WITH THIS STUPIDITY?????? It appalls me that Anastasia Steele doesn't have a passable vocabulary even when she's been deemed an intelligent Literature student who has a perfect body without working out.... Seriously, how unrealistic can you GET???? I wanna scream and run away when i encounter this book with eyes popping out and hair in balls of my fists!! I don't care the way the author has dredged up the female character.
The only glimmer of hope i could find to read this out of sorts story was the psychological aspect- Christian Grey. The psychology and anomalies to it keep me flipping not the vivid yet boring already-too-predictable- sort of aggressive sexualism, if you can believe me!!!!! A classic erotic Mills and Boon story gift-wrapped in Twilight methods, is what i get smacked across here. i DO NOT appreciate it!  At the point when Anastasia (btw such drama even in a name !! perhaps apt for the character... cuz she's dramatic too *gags*) is contemplating signing Grey's contract, i see a pinprick of the girl the author wants to smack in my face....she wants to love and be loved by someone normal, she feels dignity as a woman and isn't wanting 'submissiveness'.... she easily overwhelms by sex, because its her first time and by the author's commands she's in love with Grey!!Perhaps something already known to me in the back of my mind (read in Dan Brown's Deception point) that humans trigger fear to use it as an aphrodisiac...comes out the surface as i start chapter 14. i think maybe i'm starting to feel the problem and try to find a reason to the madness and fiction way beyond the fantasy realms..?? Fear can be a way but there are healthier ways right?? But i find out he was introduced to the SBDM thing or whatever at a most vulnerable point and found a coping mechanism in it... hmmm.. ' healthier' is a relative term...
On an entirely clinical level i find BDSM relationships interesting because before i found them merely a gag reflex and too frightening... but now i may appreciate it better. It reinforces my established feeling of the theory of relativity (courtesy of Albert Einstien) But i'm just trying find reasons to continue reading this piece of unworthy literature.... As the mystery around Grey's childhood is enlightened in fractured pieces, i've already begun to guess the truth behind it...LAME!!! and rather obvious if Anastasia idiot steele had any common sense... The cigarette burn marks are too bare and obvious,sad poking and hurting. Now i almost wanna scream at her or slap or GAH!!! at her for not being able to guess the truth....! Well i have encountered the concept (for lack of a better word) facing Grey in many mangas. My instincts had been right. The most recent case i managed to acquiesce was in Eternal Sabbath manga where a side story mom couldn't lover her own blood because (pay the most attention here!!) she had been abused physically(violence, no sex) by her stepfather in childhood. The nightmare in the prologue of the second part that Grey has is a terrible surprise and shock. At first when i was introduced to such darker sides of us humans, i was too nauseated (out of words to describe it..) Now, i feel that if i come across a person in the same state(well in the same category..) i would like to help them whoever they are....i hate seeing them under this burden and i hope to help them from it someday... The consequences are parasitic and unless that person is willingly trying to overcome it, they'll never be peaceful or mayeven be unable to love! The aftermath of such a torture is varied and daunting... The abused mom can't lover her own kin.Well you understand why i'm rambling to different topics. I was trying to avoid thinking about the shallow and disgusting (too light words) plot but now i have to... Christian Grey can only communicate through painful beating and SBDM sex...to make himself feel good or maybe to punish himself (???) I'm appalled at the author's generic and lacking prose and pace. Inexplicably the pace may fasten at a certain point and then recede in the same way it came...I dont deny that mostly this book is repugnant to me and i hate the fantastical fantasy approach.. Psychology and its tendrils are the only thing pulling at me through the remaining flat occasionally muddy squishy shallow parts.The disassociating unwanted events unfolding on the characters , jar the whole thing and suddenly i don't wanna read anymore. Something strikes as i reflect on the words. In the Twilight series, Bella is having bursts of fear regarding facts of Edward's Vampiric nature the same way Ana feels for Grey's BDSM side.... sighing as i skate over the tiringly exhausting third part the situations feel over cinematic and overdone... Each sentence makes me wanna shout out that is the author such a dumb blonde of a daydreamer?? As an after thought, i shudder at the intellect that has cooked up a number to stand for a pet name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean who would like to be called or even thought of as a number by their lover/spouse?????????? In the following parts the most unrealistic character 'development' takes place- Just because the female lead leaves and ends their relationship, the male lead comes to his senses (sort of) and goes after her a changed man!! I also note the lack thereof from the author in the last part.... The prose is disjointed as if she wants to just get on with the  book  in a hasty manner and insult the reader!!! I ask myself as i ice-skate over the last quarter, how could the woman have created such an impossible character?? Sure he has childhood trauma but that seldom amounts to such a case of self-abhorrence  if the character is such a case of it!!!!!!!!!!! No human is capable of it except perhaps a nun?! The last quarter has very astounding similarities to the Twilight  book. As the climax slams i'm really pissed at the author!! Grey has been extremely frigid about sharing his trauma and suddenly he can spill the beans in one moment!!!! I hate the vulgar repetitive language, the spineless female character, the semblance to Twilight in all it's crappy exasperating details (rich male, piano playing, emotional build up of both characters...etc) Having criticized the book so much i want to be honest again that even after finishing it i find myself softening to it somewhat... I'm surprised that i want to reread the book but it's mainly for amusing purposes... I read a review with which i fully agree, so if you guys are interested in more of my opinions and details regarding the book (there are many spoilers!) here's the other review-http://www.bookclubbuddy.com/2012/50-shades-of-grey-reviewed-by-pearl-luke/ OH OH OH ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!!!!!
UPDATE!!!!! I'm quoting another review because i think i could have gone soft over mine and i happen to concur withthis one thoroughly... found it on Goodreads.com , the very first review!! Iwon't leave a link as i just wanna quote it !!*Revengeful grin* OKAY HERE GOES THE REVIEW BY Katrina Lumsden!!!!


What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that. 

Meet Anastasia Steele:
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Ana is just a giant mess of a human being. She's insecure to the point of it being laughable, 'klutzy' (even though she only trips twice in the entire book), and a complete ditz. She's a virgin (of course) who's never taken any sexual interest in anyone before. Right. I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a woman this naive since 'round about 1954. At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian's lusty advances. Fuckin' really? She "flushes" constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo-hoo-naughty place as "down there."

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Next, we have Christian Grey:
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Christian is a misogynistic, self-loathing, abusive piece of shit. Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order; his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis. The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he's being "lovable", and those times are few and far between. Most of the time he's serious, brooding, and threatening. How charming.

I knew from the very first line this wasn't going to be good. 

"I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror." 

It was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole. Your hair won't behave? Guess what?

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My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any "sympathy" she feels for her sick friend is "unwelcome". Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu...? What a petty, jealous cunt. 

The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting. Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone. What a painful journey it was. 

My first impressions of Ana were bad (deservedly so). What were my first impressions of Christian? Well...

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That's how I felt about Christian Grey. From the beginning. Any time an author tries to sell me on a character's "charm" by waxing hormonal about how "ridiculously good-looking" he is, I snicker inwardly. I can't think why....

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Huh.

Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian's building (hello, first penis metaphor), I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end. Turns out, I found something about 15% through. I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said "Oh my" in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I'll tell you; 79! 79 motherfucking times. "He pulled me back against his chest...oh my." "He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my." "He's an insufferable douchenozzle,oh my!" (I'm just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point.)

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About halfway through, I wished I'd been keeping track of the word "crap" because Ana is constantly saying/thinking it. Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap. Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear/read the words "inner goddess" again, I'm going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it. 

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^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up^

I'm sorry, I just couldn't take any of this seriously. His playroom. His playroom? Really?

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Or how about his weird-ass issues with food? He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won't stop trying to force her to eat!

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I simply love the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. *Yawn* haven't heard any of that before. And Christian; we know Christian's super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren't capable of doing anything bad.

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^Surprise! Psychos like music, too.^

Since this is considered nothing more than "mommy porn", I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written. The sex scenes could be kind of...honestly, they were kind of boring. I've had more exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There's nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.

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Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh, you've already heard about the tampon scene? Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different. For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine. 

"He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what!And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet." 

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Look, I'm not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl's tampon? Yeah, gross. I'm not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn't cross. What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana's raggin' because he hates using condoms.

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Apparently, Mr. GinormoDick doesn't know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he's doing to remedy Ana's sexual ignorance. 

Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. We're supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm. Well, Christian's supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana's assertion that he has a giant bologna wand. She has absolutely zero experience, and she's never once had anything "in there". Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she'd still be like, "Oh, my glob! How is it ever going to fit?!" 

It's good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she's capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It's ridiculous. Come to think of it, Christian's obsession with her eating habits makes a bit more sense now. She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie.

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Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she's never even masturbated? I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, but...really? "Oh, he's soooo good in bed!" How the hell would she know?! She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand! 

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Now I'll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing. It's the plot. Thin as it is, it's still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone. While I don't have any problem with this if all you're trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you're talking about an emotionally and (dangerously close to) physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible. Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel. He doesn't allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings. Will it work? In the books, probably. In real life? No. Almost never. How many idiotic, weak women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they've read shit like this and think this kind of fucked-up fairytale will come true for them? I've known women with this mentality. "Oh, he's so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he's got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what's wrong, I could change him!" 

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Wake the fuck up, he may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn't make him a good person. It doesn't even make him a potentially good person. Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot. (Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian. Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out...)

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^Ana and Christian^ - "I said don't roll your eyes at me!!"

Christian stalks Ana (which she turns into a fucking joke), and whispers things to her "threateningly". She's constantly afraid he's going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on more than one occasion, tells her he's going to/wants to.

Potential rape is downplayed. Ana's friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they're both drunk. Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill. Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her. Ana (understandably) avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, "He made a pass at me." Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the "attempted kiss" forgotten. *Sigh*

Rapists appear to be a theme. Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person. This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana's overall life. On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she'll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping?

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And there are women out there who think this is romantic.

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I wish you the best of luck, ladies. May you get everything your hearts desire And when your dreamboats start giving you black eyes and pushing you down stairs, don't come crying to me.

By the way, for all you ladies bustin' out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr. Grey, I want you to do something for me. It'll only take a moment. Close your eyes. Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book. Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything. His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats.....and now....imagine he looks like this:

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Still turned on? 

The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can't give her what she needs (love! *sniff*).

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And we're treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian's hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being meanto Christian. It really is classic abuse mentality. She's pathetic. And I hate her. A lot.

It's this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades. Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I've ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled (outside of a consensual dom/sub relationship). This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate. It's a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn't even show her the faintest glimmer of respect. It's about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is 'like, the best thing ever, OMG'. It's trite, insulting, and dangerous. I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate. If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs. This book does good men (and indeed, all of humanity) a disservice. 

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*Sigh*

A bestseller. They're thinking of turning it into a movie....I can't....

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Word Count: 
"Oh My" - 79
"Crap" - 101
"Jeez" - 82
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 172
"Whoa" - 13
"Gasp" - 34
"Gasps" - 11
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 4
"Murmur" - 68
"Murmurs" - 139
"Whisper" - 96
"Whispers" - 103
"Mutter" - 28
"Mutters" - 23
"Fifty" - 16
"Lip" - 71
"Inner goddess" - 58
"Subconscious" - 82


THE SECOND PART'S REVIEW BY KATRINA!!!
Yeah, I've continued with the series. Why, you ask? Why, when I so thoroughly despised Fifty Shades of Grey, would I do this to myself? 

Why, for the fun factor, of course! Bad writing tends to make me giddy because I'm much better at being a horribly judgmental person critic than I am at....well, most anything else. Reading books this awful actually brings a certain amount of joy into my life. Plus, I had a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my reviews of the second and third Fifty books. Alas, here I am. Unfortunately (for me), Fifty Shades Darker wasn't quite as bad as as its predecessor. Don't get me wrong, it was still awful, but the rage-inducing badness of the first wasn't quite as powerful here. Or maybe I've built up a bit of an immunity. No matter, it's still bad, and I'm still going to have a hell of a lot of fun writing about it. Now, the first installment in this series made me so angry, I could barely write a coherent review. I'll be using more source material this time around (but don't worry, there will still be gifs).

Very first sentence:
"He's come back. Mommy's asleep or she's sick again." 

My reaction to that sentence was a snort of laughter. 

We begin with a prologue of Christian Grey having a night terror regarding a childhood memory. I simply couldn't help laughing when his mom's pimp treated me to six utterances of, "You are one fucked-up bitch." In a row. 

After the prologue, we're right back in Anastasia's head (it's a good thing there's room for us in there). We're treated to a chapter of her wallowing in depression and self-pity while wasting away because Christian isn't there to remind her that eating is a fundamental aspect of survival. We're also introduced to Ana's new job at SIP, a small publishing company, and to her new boss. Mr. Jack Hyde. 

Mr. Hyde? Really?

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Psst! He's a villain! It isn't at all obvious, either. Total surprise.

After what seems a rather generous amount of whining from Ana, she and Christian are back together. Yay! All that screwed-up physical violence forgotten. It's so sweet, too, their reunion. Christian asks Ana why she didn't safeword in the midst of his assault (which occurred at the end of the first book), and she admits that she was overwhelmed and just...forgot. Call me crazy, but to me, this is understandable. You're not used to this consensual punishment thing (not to mention the fact that you never explicitly consented in the first place) and your man is enjoying viciously turning your ass into a slab of raw beef, and you forget there's an easy way out of it. I get that. Christian, not so much. He asks how he's ever going to trust her again. And Ana? She apologizes.

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Was I angry when I read that? Shit, yes, but thankfully, things ended up taking a turn. Ana sort of starts to stand up for herself and Christian begins to catch on that he's a total d-bag and maybe he should tone it down. This is where the story changed for me. It went from all-out rage-inducing (like the first book), to incomprehensible hilarity. I had thought the first line was good, but in comparison, lines like this are pure comedic gold:

"I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul." 

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Oh my, it's my dream man. He's crazy with a side of fries and he utters the worst romanticisms this side of a Nicholas Sparks novel. 

The sex scenes are tamer in terms of their content, but they're also extremely limited in terms of content. The same thing happens every time; Christian flashes Ana a "look", during which his eyes darken (he might have a serious ocular condition), desire "pools in her belly", some undressing occurs, then there's nipple teasing, he blows, sucks, nips, licks, whatever, and she is usually pretty passive, save for her gyrating hips, which were once "caught up in his cool vanilla spell" (I couldn't make this shit up), and then....Ana explodes. 

WARNING: Graphic Visual Interpretation of Christian and Ana's Sex (view spoiler)

Oh, and she apparently loses consciousness after every orgasm. Why is this happening? She might be anemic. She should get that checked out.

There was one really gross sex scene, though. The ice cream scene. Christian is dripping ice cream all over Ana, and I was going, "Ewwww!" because I really hate the stickiness of sugary foods anywhere on my body, and can you imagine that shit getting in your hair? (Oh, hush). Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, this doesn't sound right: "He shifts lower and starts eating the ice cream in my belly..." 

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It's the Zombie plague! It's got hold of Fifty! It's Fifty shades of viscera!! 
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RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Aaaanywho, where was I? Oh, right, the sex. Boring. Even more boring than in the first book because the same wording is used for nearly every scene. And since there are a lot of sex scenes, I experienced no less than 15 instances of deja vu. Even my inner voice sounded bored; "He slides his fingers in and swirls, blah blah blah, erection digging into my hip, yadda yadda, gotta remember to pick up milk at the store tomorrow..." 

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The tiresomely redundant writing would probably be a little easier to deal with if not for the fact that the majority of it is used to express the thoughts of what is unquestionably the dumbest character in the history of literature. Ana is a mental midget. This is not about her choices, it's about her inability to comprehend even the simplest of concepts. I think my favorite demonstration was during a charity auction Christian's parents were hosting. One of Christian's "ex-subs" (that's ex-submissive for those who aren't in the know *wink wink*) is wandering around, apparently armed and gunning for Ana. Or Christian. We never really know for sure, but anyway, because of this threat, Christian has hired more security. Taylor, Christian's chief bodyguard, now has three guys under his command, and all four of them are cruising the party, keeping an eye out for Ms. Small, Dark, and Nutsy. After watching a fireworks display (during which Ana was awed like a fucking four-year-old), I was treated to this exchange: 

Christian: "Stay with me a moment. Taylor wants us to wait while the crowd disperses." 
Ana: (thinks) Oh.
Christian: "I think that fireworks display probably aged him a hundred years." 
Ana: "Doesn't he like fireworks?" 

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That's not even the best part, though. The best part is Christian's reaction: 

"Christian gazes down at me fondly and shakes his head but doesn't elaborate." 

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I had a really hard time not imagining what went through Christian's mind. You know what I'm talking about. "Oh, darling, it's a good thing you're hot. Otherwise I'd take you up in Charlie Tango right now and push you out somewhere over the Space Needle."

There were times, of course, when the idiocy wasn't restricted to Ana and her vacuous noggin. At one point, Christian and Ana are discussing his crazy ex-sub, Leila, and Ana can tell Christian is holding something back, so she snaps at Christian to tell her what's going on. 

"She managed to obtain a concealed weapons permit yesterday." 

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Really? I know E.L. James is a Brit, and yeah, maybe she views this as the United States of Barbarity, but you can't just wander into a fucking gun store and ask for a goddamn CPL. In fact, in Washington state, it can take up to 60 days for an out-of-state resident to receive theirs, and that's after the background check. The stupid doesn't end there, though. 

"Oh shit. I gaze at him, blinking, and feel the blood draining from my face as I absorb this news. I may faint. Suppose she wants to kill him? No. “That means she can just buy a gun,” I whisper." 

Well, sure, if she wants to be all obvious about it. I kinda figured she'd go the subtle route and get herself a bunny.

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It was during moments like that when I wished I knew Ana in real life, simply for of the amount of fun that could be had fucking with her. 

"Ana, you don't understand. It's so much worse than that. A concealed weapons permit means she can buy a concealed weapon. Concealed weapons are....invisible."

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Did I mention Ana's dumb? Well, guess what? She also has the emotional maturity of a fruit fly. It's worse than hanging out with a love-sick 14-year-old. Why? Because it's hanging out with a love-sick 21-year-old with the emotional maturity of a fruit fly. I thought I made this clear. You know who else made it clear? E.L. James. I was beaten over the head over and over andover again with Ana's self-doubt and insecurities. She's so unsure of herself, in fact, that she keeps asking the reader questions; "What is he trying to tell me?" "What does he/she mean?" "What is going on?" "What should I do?" "Where is our relationship going?" "What was that about?" "Where are we going?" "What is he planning?" "What is he gonna do?" "How does he know?" 

Hey, Ana! Guess what?!

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When she's not whining, crying, giggling, getting railed, or giving herself a migraine trying to think, she's going on and on in these relentless inner diatribes about how hot/sexy/adorable/god-like/beautiful Christian is, and joy is erupting inside her every time she realizes she's with him, and she gets a warm feeling whenever she thinks about how much she lurves him, and on and on and ooooon. Her inner goddess (ridiculous metaphor for her vagina) is still annoyingly present, and her subconscious has gotten even bitchier (just how Ana knows what's going on in her subconscious has yet to be determined). One of the best parts about her inner dialogue is that she's always telling us what's going on after we've had the scene described to us. And several times she reacts with astounded shock that someone *gasp*changed the subject. (No. I am not fucking kidding.)

Ana is that special friend you end up wanting to choke to death every time you talk to her, but you don't have the ambition to tell her to go fuck herself with a rake, so you avoid her when you can, and when you can't, you sit around listening to her inane babbling like...

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Her insecurity reaches monumental, mind-blowing levels, however, when she finds Leila (remember her?) in her apartment. Lord Fisterbottom rushes in to save the day, of course, but then Ana watches him go all "Dom" on Leila to defuse the situation. Then he ends up at Leila's side, stroking her hair, trying to chillaxe the crazy broad, and Ana starts getting jealous! Right there, I'm not kidding! She doesn't want to leave the apartment because she's afraid of what will happen between Christian and Loony Tunes! Taylor has to forcibly remove Ana from her apartment, and the whole time we're treated to Ana's bullshit thoughts regarding whether or not Christian is going to leave her for Leila.

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Fucked up, right? There's a time and a place for insecurity; that ain't it. 

Oh, then she finds out Christian gave Leila a bath. What that has to do with the story, I have no idea.

So are you getting the gist? Lots and lots of melodrama. Well, we haven't gotten to Christian's melodrama yet, so prepare yourselves. He starts freaking out on Ana, telling her she can't leave, she means everything to him, he needs her, blah blah blah, and then....then he says, "I'm a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother." 












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Say what? Normal reaction to this is revulsion and horror. To give her some credit, Ana is a little horrified. Does she leave? 

"Then it hit me like a wrecking ball. If he's a sadist, he really needs all that whipping and caning shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands. "So it's true," I whisper, glancing up at him, "I can't give you what you need." This is it - this really does mean we are incompatible." 

Oh, for fuck's sake.

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That is not the proper response to your boyfriend's revelation that he likes to abuse and sex you because you look like his mom! This is:

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*Sigh*

There's also a helicopter crash, a marriage proposal, a showdown with an ephebophile, and an attempted rape. Why? Because why the fuck not?

I don't even know where to go from here. This book is ridiculous. Even more so than the first since it's trying to sell the reader on this impossible scenario. You cannot change an abusive man, and it is dangerous folly to try. Quit romanticizing it. Fantasy is one thing, impossible delusions are quite another.

I suppose I'll close with one of my favorite lines from the mind of the magnificently inept Miss Steele: 

"Raiding the fridge once more, I gather potatoes, ham, and -Yes! - peas from the freezer." 

Yes!
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Peas!!!
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Word Count: 
"Oh my" - 47
"Crap" - 36
"Jeez" - 84
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 124
"Whoa" - 30
"Gasp" - 44
"Gasps" - 17
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 5
"Murmur" - 91
"Murmurs" - 194
"Whisper" - 140
"Whispers" - 113
"Mutter" - 71
"Mutters" - 48
"Fifty" - 95
"Lip" - 47
"Inner goddess" - 58
"Subconscious" - 59

And I'm out.

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And yesss the third part's review!! *Insane giggle*


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Welcome back, fellow masochists (or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead). I wish I could say Fifty Shades Freed met my expectations, but...well, honestly, I don't know what the fuck that was. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think. The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy/series, I'm lost. My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, most of which are variations of "emo douchebag" because I'm all like

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I can't help it. If I've invested enough of myself into a story to read more than one installment, it generally means I liked it (or at least something about it). That wasn't the case with the Fifty Shades trilogy. I went into Fifty Shades of Grey knowing full well I would probably hate it, and I wasn't wrong. In fact, I think I may have underestimated that book in terms of how thoroughly it would infuriate and disgust me. I considered not bothering with the next two installments because I was certain it wouldn't get any better. Look, I know there are those of you out there who think that it did get better, but I'm not talking about the story. I mean, I don't think that improved much, either, but the point I'm trying to make is that E.L. James is a terrible writer, technicallyand artistically. As a photographer, I can tell you that sucking ass in both categories won't get you far. Certain people will give you a certain amount of latitude one way or another, sure, but if your composition is badly placed, taken at the wrong time of day, crowded, confusing, and out of focus....well, you get it. Needless to say, I wasn't even halfway through Fifty Shades Darker before I started getting bored, but I trudged on and it wasn't much different from any of the boredom I've experienced before. 

Then I started reading Fifty Shades Freed. I can honestly say that I had no idea this kind of feeling was even possible. I've never had a book so thoroughly turn off my desire to read before. Ever. I would read a page here and there, then turn my Kindle off and get online. There wouldn't be anything to do online, and I'd sit at my desk thinking, Oh, I should really finish that book. But then I'd just keep surfing the internet. To be honest, it was because every time I even thought about reaching for my Kindle, my brain did this: 

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It should come as no surprise, then, that my reaction when finishing this book was not despondent depression. Far from it. It was....exhilaration.

Now that that's out of the way, I suppose I should tell you a little bit about what happened this time around. OK....

Honeymoon. Christian throwing a tantrum. Ana's boobs get marked up in retaliation. Drama, drama, drama, corn, some cheese, sex sex sex, lots of whining, Christian being clingy, Ana trying to assert her independence, blah blah blah. It reads exactly like the other two books with its repetitive wording and infuriating platitudes, and because of this it suffers far more than the other two books. I was tired of reading this shit. The only thing that set this one apart was the utter weirdness of a few of the scenes. Like Christian marking up Ana's titties after she goes topless on a beach in the south of France. Yeah, it happens. It's OK, though. Ana gives him a pass because, emotionally, he's stuck in adolescence and this apparently gives him free reign to do as he likes with impunity. She's angry at first, sure, but she forgives him. Even after he has the balls to say, "Well, you won't take your top off again."

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The temerity of this character is astounding. E.L. James has managed to create one of the most blatantly antagonistic sociopaths I've ever seen, yet women everywhere are gobbling it up like he's the best thing since the vibrator. 

But nothing really happens in the first 90% of the book except a lot of emotional manipulation. Ana and Christian play games with each other's emotions and genuinely seem to have absolutely no clue how to communicate with another human being. It's apparently all good, though, because the sex makes up for any lack of connection they should have. During one sex scene, Ana thinks, "We still have this. We'll always have this." 

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No. No, you won't. Your sex life may still be fulfilling after five, ten, or even fifteen years, but it won't be the same. No, not at all. And if you think for one second that sex can make up for the emotional connection and teamwork a marriage requires, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Look I'm all for fantasy, but I guess I like mine tinged with a little more reality than this. Friendship is the foundation of any solid relationship and without it, you're just bumpin' uglies until it gets boring. 

Arguably the best thing to come out of this book was the fun I had discussing butt plugs with my sister-in-law. Yes, there's a sex scene involving a butt plug, and yes, it's both hilarious and disturbing, if for nothing else but E.L. James' refusal to use the word “ass”. Ana is always using the words 'behind' and 'bottom' to describe her other “down there”, and those words do not mesh well with the concept of an anal sex toy. I'm sorry, but hearing about how Christian inserted a butt plug into Ana's 'bottom' made me both uncomfortable and highly amused. Or when he inserted his finger into her 'behind'. No. No. As a child, you have a behind or a bottom, but once you hit about 14 or so, it's your butt or your ass. Only occasionally can the other words be used in reference to an older individual and be gotten away with. 

As amusing as all that was, however, it didn't hold a candle to the things that went on when they were finished engaging in anal play. Just to be clear, I don't have anything against people who find pleasure in the anus. If that's your thing, hey, more power to ya. So I don't have a problem with the sex scenes themselves. However, when Christian fingered Ana's arsehole and then didn't wash his hands...yeah, I was a little grossed out. They're cuddling and everything afterward and on a constant loop in my head was, “poopy finger, poopy finger, poopy finger....poopy....finger!” My sister-in-law said she was wondering if he was going to make her suck on it like he did every other time he jammed his digits into her nether regions. 

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But wait, there's more! 

Ana asks Christian who cleans the toys (this is after they've used the aforementioned butt plug), and he informs her it's either him, a submissive, or Mrs. Jones. 

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Mrs Jones, the hired help. She's a maid and a cook, for pete's sake, not a wall-washer at the local gentleman's club! God! Can you imagine taking a housekeeping job with some 27-year-old douche canoe and all you're expecting is dusting, vacuuming, cooking, etc., and the next thing you know, he's handing you a bowl of used butt plugs? Or maybe he's not even handing them to you, he just mentions that, hey, that mysterious almost-always-locked spare room could use a good cleaning and you walk in to discover not only that you've stumbled into some kind of David Lynchian porn den, but you've also been greeted by the smell of stale sex and ass. And oh! There's a bowl of dirty butt plugs on the sideboard! 

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Mr. and Mrs. Brady may have had their freaky naughty time, but I highly doubt they were crass enough to make Alice clean up after it. 

So then Ana takes the butt plug (yes, I'm still on this) and washes it off in the sink, then vaguely wonders if it needs to be sanitized somehow.

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Well, Ana.........................................I'm thinking yes. Yes, it should probably be subjected to some sort of sanitation process. But that's just my opinion. 

When you read scenes like that over the course of several books, it really comes as no surprise when you discover that Ana has missed several appointments with her gyno and apparently completely forgotten about her birth control shot. You know where this is going. 

Christian is going to fuhreeeaaak

“Christian, I'm pregnant.”

And at first, Christian's all like

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But then he's like

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Then he storms out and is never heard from again. 

Ha! I wish 'cause that would've been the end of the story, and it would've served Ana right for being such an idiot. But alas, he returns and there's nothing to be done for it except more melodrama. He comes home drunk and Ana finds out he saw the “bitch troll” pedophile again, and she feels betrayed, and yadda yadda. So they fight, and this is the only time in any of the books that they actually have a raging screaming match, and yeah, it was about fucking time it happened, but even the fight is tainted by Ana's ridiculous assertions that if Christian touches her, he'll just get his way because her traitorous body will succumb to him. 

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Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis. 

So then the ending happens. Something about Hyde kidnapping Christian's sister or some shit. Ana saves the day. Funny. No, it really is 'cause the girl's dumb. 

Well, when that shit's all over, we get this weird-ass epilogue wherein Ana asserts that she thinks their in-utero daughter "likes sex already" because she's dancing around in her mother's womb after...sex? I guess so. There isn't a sex scene, so not only is this remark fucking weird, it's also oddly misplaced. Then Christian sucks popsicle off of his son's fingers. 

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What is with E.L. James and the finger sucking?

(Edit: A commenter brought to my attention the fact that there is indeed a sex scene before the aforementioned conversation about the baby liking sex. So I double-checked and yes, there is a sex scene right before. The confusion came about as the direct result of E.L. James's inability to maintain a coherent timeline.)

After the epilogue, there's even more pointless drivel. The beginning of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian's perspective! I can hear the collective squee and the panties droppin' and it kinda makes me wanna choke a bitch. But that's not even the worst of it. No, the worst is that it ends right as Christian's leaving the hardware store, and as the narrative comes to a close, the reader is treated to this: "That's all...for now." 

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Please, someone break her hands. Do it quickly. Might as well cut out her tongue, as well, so she won't be able to dictate her nonsense. 

I think one of the best blurbs for this series (and this installment in particular) would have to be something my older sister said about it after I told her there's a Happily Ever After ending:

"Maybe she'll write a fourth book in which, after having three kids, being isolated, and losing her job, he finally hits her and the cops get called, leading to his arrest. She leaves and takes half his damn shit plus child support. 'Cuz after three kids and several years, "down there" ain't gonna drip at the sight of him anymore." Kimberly Brown

Harsh and bitter? Perhaps, but that's reality. Like I said before, it would be nice if we could have a little realistic fantasy (it's not an oxymoron if you know what I'm talking about). Christian Grey might have been a desirable character if....well, if he weren't Christian Grey.

To be honest, I'm disappointed in this review. I just can't seem to muster the same amount of enthusiasm as before. Or even come close. All I know is that I tried to write this twice before, but lost it both times due to computer error, and I took that as a sign that I shouldn't over-think it. Maybe this review reflects the book itself; haphazard and drained. Whatever the case, the only burst of energy I got during this book was at the end. When it was done. When I read that last word and knew I could finally, finally walk away from this trilogy...

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Yeah. It was that good. It was "taking a giant crap after being constipated for a week" good. Or "getting laid for the first time in years" good.I.felt.so.free. 

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The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends. 



Word Count:
“Oh my” - 52
“Crap” - 46
“Jeez” - 58
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" – 108
"Whoa" - 14
"Gasp" - 60
"Gasps" - 15
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 2
"Murmur" - 115
"Murmurs" - 186
"Whisper" - 194
"Whispers" - 190
"Mutter" - 88
"Mutters" - 38
"Fifty" - 67
"Lip" - 51
“Inner goddess” - 33
“Subconscious” - 48

You know what????????? i was ROFLing through the whole copy /paste thing and now my lips, mouth, stomach everything hurts cuz i both laughed HARD and tried to keep myself from it!!!!!!!!!!!! There are only a couple of things i don't agree on her review but they can be ignored because i thoroughly enjoyed them and nod at them suppressing my glee! :) Ahhhhh ....

Please share your views !! Happy reading!!!!!