I felt almost a bit miserable for not having internet access these few last days but this time the power of sleep was too powerful without any reason for being so.... ah well, i thought of wanting to resume watching the remaining episodes of GTO- great teacher onizuka, today and as my luck would have it- my internet's working!!!! So a Kanpai to that! of course before i get too intoxicated with that bit of good news, the whip lash of truth has to come and strike- i have a limit to this access!! :/ BOO!!! ah well, i do need to take things in their stride maybe things will get better in the future... fingers crossed...
i checked up on Tatsukida's blog and this stupid grin didnt leave my face until a little after reading the last chapter of Kyou Koi Wo Hajimemasu... so nostalgic and such a hope-fuelling story! this was truly one of the greater works of Minami Kanan... i will miss the pair of Tsubakis...
on a pleasant and rather surprising note, today got very cold and the reason for that was a fresh bout of snow in Europe according to my dear dad. whatever that may be it felt good to feel the draught around my skin again...
I'd been introduced to this series which i assume if anyone is reading, knows of, because it's quite popular.. - Supernatural, which is about these two brothers and their 'hunting' trips across the country of USA again- their morals drew my attention and i began to absolutely adore this series all thanks to my best friend Satakshi!!! Cheerios to that!
i feel a little guilty for not proceeding with Love Sky so i'm gonna try and start the project again.... i hope i get down to it soon... until then the next installment is below...
i checked up on Tatsukida's blog and this stupid grin didnt leave my face until a little after reading the last chapter of Kyou Koi Wo Hajimemasu... so nostalgic and such a hope-fuelling story! this was truly one of the greater works of Minami Kanan... i will miss the pair of Tsubakis...
on a pleasant and rather surprising note, today got very cold and the reason for that was a fresh bout of snow in Europe according to my dear dad. whatever that may be it felt good to feel the draught around my skin again...
I'd been introduced to this series which i assume if anyone is reading, knows of, because it's quite popular.. - Supernatural, which is about these two brothers and their 'hunting' trips across the country of USA again- their morals drew my attention and i began to absolutely adore this series all thanks to my best friend Satakshi!!! Cheerios to that!
i feel a little guilty for not proceeding with Love Sky so i'm gonna try and start the project again.... i hope i get down to it soon... until then the next installment is below...
This day was going to haunt me forever…
On my way from the washroom to class, rounding a corner, a bevy of heavily make-up slapped older girls marched to face me. The warning bell echoed as if in tune with my emotions of alarm.
For some minutes they just kind of sized me up with a menacing malevolent glare. When had I ever pissed them off??
“Hey you sakura girl, what are you staring at?
You are coming with us.”
Well, I couldn’t exactly run away now that I was surrounded… the best way to settle the matter was to face them head on and comply with them at least for the moment. Maybe I was going to be let off with a simple warning, after all these were girls. I could have already voiced the compliance provided that I had any knowledge of their problem with me…ah; well I was soon going to find out. They were taking me to quite a faraway place. I recognized the building as one of the single storey shelters for the school’s unused equipment.
The door shut with an ominous sound behind me; the light coming in a strong glare now cut off completely. As my eyes got adjusted to the low lighting through the ceiling skylight, a tallish girl came to stand in front of them. I waited patiently for the outburst of warnings and the gossip which had brought me trouble.
My gut felt uneasy as my stomach squirmed in the stillness.
“It appears that you have become quite the idol when you’re just a puny fresher… did you think it was that easy to be the populazzi in here? Obviously we have been here longer than you! Who do you think you are to feel all high and mighty and snapping to snatch all the attention, huh?”
I hadn’t seen that coming… ‘Populazzi’ I snorted internally at that made up term… such a petty matter-I bet terrorizing was the only known method here to get problems solved. I wasn’t in favor of bullies but in this situation, I had no other choice but to bow down and back off. Their reason was something comprehensible to me- they thought of themselves as the ‘queen bees’ and my arrival was recognized as a threat to their throne… bees behaved in the same way… their motto n message was – fight to be the queen bee or leave the hive to find a new one…the only difference was I had no intention of competing in their stupid popularity poll… I couldn’t exactly leave school but the simple thing to do was avoid interacting with people and I think I could do that…
I had no intention of causing damage like this. It had been very unpredictable. The punch was when to open my mouth to explain all of this… these girls looked pissed off big time so I didn’t think they would be willing to listen to me…
Another whiny voice shot through the air.
“And what guts she has to flaunt that good looking Sakurai as her boyfriend!!! She strings the other guys behind her and even snags Sakurai… What a BITCH!”
Sniggers went up.
The carefully formulated sentence that I was going to interject in between evaporated as I absorbed it. They had even involved Hiro!! I hoped that he wasn’t being rounded up by the upperclassmen guys…
Things were only getting worse here. I mentally prepared to get lots of swearing thrown at me maybe even a couple of slaps or something…
“Well let’s show her what happens when someone messes with us!! “Everyone jeered to that.
The girl who seemed to be the leader then removed a cigarette. A girl beside her hurriedly lit it up and she inhaled deeply. Nodding to the four closest around her, they copied her, following the cue. Then the fourth girl with a short bob whispered something to the one beside her and she nodded to assent. Five girls came towards me. I gulped trying to anticipate scenarios. Whatever I came up with couldn’t have prepared me for what happened next.
The girls held onto my limbs like a vice. I tried to struggle a bit to test their hold but it didn’t even make them notice the movement. And my muscles were frozen not due to fear but reason to their hold. She took a long drag and blew it in my face for which I was caught unawares. A fit of coughing choked me as the smoke hit my lungs. I wanted to puke but I held it in. she was waiting this whole time. It was unbelievable but she looked at me and kept on smiling. Her expression was cool and her eyes were blank. How could she smile like that??
Her smile became even wider as she removed the cigarette daintily from her mouth and moved to my side. My head had been forced to face the front; I couldn’t even move it a millimeter.
A second later, a scream echoed. She laughed at that. Such fiery pain I had never felt. There was excess of fire and it was inside my right hand. The hand shook in tremors on its own. “Maybe we should keep her quiet; this is in the school premises after all…”
Another sphere of heat burned. But this time a hand was clamped tightly over my mouth, threatening to split the jaw in half. It wasn’t necessary because even though it was unbearable; I didn’t scream. The balls crept higher and suddenly two more joined in. That I could not bear. But only a muffled shriek died in the smoky air.
I was on the edge of losing consciousness after the five girls had vented at least two boxes on me. I couldn’t really take it anymore. The throbbing was agony.
The voices came to me faintly. “Lift up her skirt, will you?” everyone laughed excitably. Someone stamped on my foot. My back hunched as much as it could under the freezing chains.
GOD PLEASE LET ME DIE.
The hollow space behind my knee went in flames. The pain moved whatever part of my body was movable… PLEASE STOP.
It felt even more agonizing as the flame was rubbed in with force. SOMEONE STOP IT.
Shining spots appeared behind the eyelids. The will to struggle inside me, died. They continued creeping up the thighs and the fire was burning.
WHEN WAS IT GOING TO STOP?
Then suddenly it did stop. Faint scuffles and a shout to ‘run’… my knees buckled and the black ground slammed me in the face…finally I was going to die and the pain would stop.
…
..
.
This time there was fluffy soft whiteness around. No annoying piercing lights. This was definitely heaven or close to it at any rate…
I was even lying over something comfortable which also was white… but it was a BED. Were there any beds in heaven? It appeared to be the case…
Then I closed my eyes again.
.
This time a warm touch on my hand made me conscious. But I didn’t open to see who it was. I just soaked up the warmth. It encouraged me.
A blurry chestnut brown coloured my vision. The blue twinkle couldn’t be missed of course. But what was he doing here? Wasn’t I already in heaven? He didn’t die so he couldn’t be here…
Could dead persons feel?
He smiled but somehow it seemed forcefully put on.
“Am I dead?” it felt sore to speak.
“WHAT? No.. you’re not dead.” His eyebrows crashed down and he bit his lower lip. The blue gleam was gone so I closed my eyes.
My whole body ached terribly. My head had begun to swim and my arm and leg were burning a bit. I was definitely NOT dead.
That left me a little spaced out…
“MIKAN YOU’RE ALL RIGHT!!” came a triumphant voice. I didn’t even open my eyes to check if it was nee chan. I just muttered ‘yeah’.
“Oops I was too loud, sorry!”
“ts’ok…”
Nobody said anything and currently I didn’t want to reflect so I gratefully slept.
26th August 2008
“And then he battered on the door. It’s a good thing they were following him-he couldn’t have opened the huge door by himself. They were scared shit… it was a bit of a shock for them I guess, seeing Hiroki kun like that. He was absolutely going to kill them if they hadn’t stopped him. I still bla…” but she stopped and changed tack.
“I wish the police would take it up seriously…the principal has suspended them for now. They deserve to be expelled.” Venom was so transparent from her tone…
It had taken me a week of first silence then gentle coaxing from her to break into my shell. I shuddered as the recollection of the time preoccupied me again.
Hiro … the debt was piling up. How much did I owe him?
He had just been in the back ground and refused to look at me in that past week… I didn’t understand what he was thinking…
Now as I sat in nee chan’s living room, I cautiously spoke, “I was thinking about going back…”
“Where? Go back to…?”
I peeked at her through the eyelashes. “UH to Shinbash…”
“Shinbashi? Are you stupid? You’re staying with me.” I blanched at her threat. I didn’t like the idea of Hiro staying alone…
“He can bear the loneliness for a bit!!! You’re the one injured here!”
“BUT “
“Eat your dinner and go to sleep.”
Damn it, she couldn’t boss me around like that!
As if reading my thoughts she said, “Go tramping on your own when you’re 18… right now you will listen to me!”
SO FRUSTRATING! I stomped off to lay the futon.
.
As I was twisting and turning in the darkness, the doorbell rang.
Nee chan grumbled as she went to open it.
From where I was lying, I could only see the faint light at the entrance.
“YOU, what are you doing here at this time?”
“I wanted to know if she was fine…”
Hiro! He was here! I crept up to see nee chan and his figure behind her out the door.
“Geez she won’t be hurt when she’s with me…” he flinched at that.
My outrage at nee chan bristled, threatening to burst.
“Actually you came to see her right??”
“Ummm…”he moved uncomfortably.
“Fine… she’s asleep. Did you purposely choose the hour to avoid talking?”
He didn’t reply and I hurried to scramble in the futon; a bit glad of not seeing his face.
Through the way, nee chan kept on her speech.
“It’s your entire fault! What the hell were you doing?? Dad trusted you so much and you go and do this in the first week of school itself! Haven’t you seen her burn wounds?? Her body was purple because the blood flow had stopped in their holds… does anyone stab cigarette butts into flesh?” she sounded sick and disgusted. But her anger was being vented in the wrong direction. Hiro was equally angry if not more or couldn’t she already see that?? Why was he listening without any replies full of indignation?
I hated to lie there and keep quiet. I wanted to look at him. What was he thinking??
“I… I know I have no right to ask but can I request you for a little time for me to sit beside her? Please?”
“You thought correct that you’ve got no right to ask…” her stern voice whipped like lash. She sighed.
“Five minutes…” muttering unwillingly, she went off.
He came over and sat near me. I wanted to jump into him right then and there but I didn’t. I felt his warm hand caress my forehead. It felt divine and reassuring… then I could feel his breath blow over my cheek.
“Mika… I’m so sorry!” something moist warm and wet fell and slid over my cheek. More joined rapidly. Then he brushed them off.
“Why are you saying that????”
“I knew it…”
He sighed. “Saori nee san is right. It’s my fault. I don’t expect forgiveness. I want to keep looking after you but from a distance. I know you don’t want to see me after what I’ve done…”
“Tell me- how is it your fault? Because the way I see it you saved me from them…”
“I COULDN’T PROTECT YOU! I …I … how did I let anyone harm you? I swore and promised that day –I would never let something hurt you… “
“You know, you are wrong… you did protect me. Maybe this couldn’t be prevented no matter how much anyone tried. You barred further harm and cosseted me. It wasn’t your fault…”
It was useless…
“You have to be like a 24 hour ninja or something… ha ha ha ha…” I laughed in soliloquy at my own lame joke.
He shook his head.
Well, I could black mail too… “Why won’t you listen to me?? I don’t want to live without you. It’s the truth for me. If you continue this I’m going to die.” I pouted stubbornly. The way I had said it was more like a comic line to lighten the atmosphere…
He laughed. “Stupid… “
“I guess you’re going back, huh…” I startled at nee chan’s voice.
“Here’s some tea. Drink up.” Smiling slightly she dismissed to say that I had to take care of packing.
9th September 2008
I think it has gone back to normal now except that I’m more ‘recognized’ than ever at school because the papers wrote about it…
It’s a negative fame this time so mostly no one messes with me. Hiro stays as much as possible together with me.
For now I’ve been prohibited to work by nee chan and Hiro… I’m not sure how long it will last. Meanwhile I’m stuck with household chores only – someone’s got to do it. In any case it helps Hiro…
I hope the peace lasts…
3rd October 2008
Hiro has to work too many jobs now and the reason is me… I am still disallowed to work and it’s starting to prick me… I am the only one protected. I wish I could protect him. There’s no possibility of it for now. It’s so maddening to see Hiro exert n toil day and night with me just sitting here…
I want my job back!!!
10th October 2008
All that’s been strange these days is Hiro’s behavior. He almost is never in the house. It’s worrying because I had a bad instinct about the whole thing. I’m also quite scared to ask it to him but when I did ask he waved it off with a mechanical smile and said that I was imagining things. Today he hasn’t come to sleep in at all and he doesn’t even answer messages or calls… I contemplated going to his workplace. But the manager said that he couldn’t be disturbed through the job.
Had he gotten in trouble? Had he fallen in some bad company? Maybe dru…! No no… I was not making sense. He of all people would be careful of all this… he was strong and possessed enough maturity to carry himself in Tokyo. I believed in him.
But however much I consoled myself, the anxiety didn’t ebb.
I didn’t know what to do.
17th October 2008
They say that your worst fears come true…
I always did fear precisely this…well now it had happened … Still how could this happen? ? ? I went over it again in hopes of seeing some glimmer of logic…
He had called up a party. This was totally out of character and we had agreed several times that only the spoilt townies threw such parties for no reason. As I was about to insert the key in the door after rushing through work, it opened. His eyes met mine.
I blanched internally. They were different! They were flat, empty. I caught my breath. In all these years that we had been together, I had NEVER seen him like this! Bile rose in my throat as I took in the cigarette in his hand near the mouth. Fear ruled my heart. I couldn’t stop it from hammering at quadruple pitch. I wanted to scream and run away. Gulping down the black emotions, I stuck out my chin and marched inside where a full blown party seemed in progress. The room was filled with smoke. I didn’t recognize any of the people sitting in that room.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. I winced at the fierce grip hurting my wrist but suppressed the squeak. “Hey guys, this is my hot girlfriend!! Isn’t she beautiful??”To which they jeered and howled. I felt like throwing up. He lifted me up to kiss in front of them… I couldn’t even respond to it- he was so cogent and his lips crushed down on mine, as if threatening me to abide by them… But as he went to drink the alcohol in astounding quantities I decided to sit in a corner and watch quietly.
Time passed.
He was drunk. Worry slid down my stomach each time he slammed the empty glass and asked for more. Water; maybe that would help! I got up; my feet felt as if they were lead but I ran in the kitchen n filled a glass. Returning, I had left the door open and the sight that was so clear made me feel as if the nerves to my heart had been cut off. It must be a nightmare and yet it seems real. I couldn’t feel any part of my body. It felt like floating in space and watching the scene.
I closed my eyes, opened them again then kept on doing this..it was inconceivable. I have no idea how long I stood there. But it was long enough that the image was rooted in my mind. I wanted to make a sound there. Astonishingly, nothing came out. I didn’t even open my mouth. I turned, left the glass n rushed out the door as soon as my jelly legs could carry me.
But the image was a scorching imprint; it wouldn’t even vanish when I closed my eyes and was recurrent.
Across the door, he … he had … he … had …been… kissing a girl.
The cold air hit my skin but something else- something hot was trickling over it…
Involuntary actions led me to the door.
Saori-nee opened it and said, “Mikan!!!! What are you doing here at this time????” I couldn’t help myself and the control shattered. I fell over I think…
…
18th October 2008
My eyes ached as I tried to open them. I had woken up several times through the night n cried like there was no end to it… I brought my hands in front of my eyes. The frame shook or maybe they did… I felt my eyes sting again- hadn’t the source of liquid already dried through the night?? I decided to quietly leave without waking nee chan… I needed to talk with him.
The sun had risen by the time I reached the apartment. I opened into darkness through the haze of pain, which surprised me.
There was no one in the apartment. Where had he gone????
He will come back…I thought.
I had no clue to his whereabouts but I had a feeling that he was going to be here in some time…
…
My instinct proved to be correct. The doorbell rung at 6.05 pm. He was there. “OH!! You CAME!!!!” I said in shaky relief and flew to hug him tightly. I didn’t notice in the moment of happiness that he never hugged me back and stood completely limp.
“We need to talk.” The cold voice said remotely, perfunctorily.
Finally!
I let go of him and he stepped inside, closing the door. But he didn’t come any further. His eyes were flat blue discs again. It sent shivers down my spine but I held them in. I couldn’t have dreamed what he calmly said next…
“I am … breaking up with you.”
Were my ears ringing??
At the third word though, I thought I saw something flit across his face but it died as quickly as it had come and I suppose it was only my imagination. Evidently I imagined it to hope; because he had said something that was incomprehensible, unimaginable to me.
“Huh?”
He remained cold as stone. Something told me that he had meant what he spoke just then.
But…this was …this couldn’t be happening for a fact! It could be a nightmare! It was everything but the veracity, right? Outside I was also cold like his stony stance. Inside something was swelling parasitically. But maybe it didn’t find the courage to come out. So, only one word escaped through my mouth. “Why?” it was a mere whisper n I doubted whether he could hear it.
But his eyebrows smashed together to form a V and some odd faint light ball flickered in the blue flat discs; deep and distant. He literally spat the next words out.
“I do not love you.”
I kept on looking at him. He never changed his attitude or his air. I didn’t understand what was going on. I shook my head until it spun.
Then as if to knock some sense in the absurdity, I guessed.
“You like someone else?”
His jaw locked. “Yes.”
Wow; so nightmares do come true. I had always known I wasn’t good enough. Now it had only been proven to me.
Something was shaking.
My mental frame it was. The daunting black fog cottoned on.
….
…
..
.
When I awoke in the darkness, I heard screams-terrible inhumane screams, as if someone was being tortured to their death. The sound alone sent shivers through me. They never stopped. I rocked back and forth. My hand chattered n shuddered involuntarily towards my lips. And I found that the screams had been emanating from within me…
Then the darkness attacked yet again.
……
…..
….
…
..
.
This time the sound of a door closing woke me up. I sat up in a second. The darkness still clawed around at me. I stood up. I went through the whole house-only emptiness reared at me. The closet was filled with only my clothes, it’s other half-vacant. I came back to where I had woken up. As I opened my eyes the bedside table came into view and a bolt shot through me as the familiar neat kanji glared me in the face. Lightening fast, I opened the crumpled paper.
Mikan,
I’m moving out. I won’t enter your life ever again.
I know that you will easily move on because. And in simply a matter of time, it will be as if I never existed in your life… we weren’t a good match anyway…
Have a good life.
Hiro.
I read it again and again until my eyes got heavier and the darkness began to lighten a bit. I clutched it tightly, tracing his kanji yet again as if I was a kindergartener learning to write.
………………………………………………………………………………………
__/__/____
I’m still waiting here. He will come back because it had only been a nightmare, hadn’t it?
It will be just as normal as every day.
I’m still waiting for him. I will wait for him until he does come back.
__/__/____
Today, the doorbell rang for the first time since he had left this room. So I tried to run when I heard and recognized the elapsed sound …
I expected his familiar figure standing there with his blue eyes twinkling as always. I opened the door. An older version of myself with long brown hair seemed to stare back at me with her eyes full of some incomprehensible emotions- I saw anger and also love. It had been a while since I had seen love in any pair of eyes. Something fell with a thud to the floor and I felt warmth over my shoulders, spreading to the rest of my body after this older me screamed my name. It took some time to register this heat.
She let me go after a long warming squeeze. Something transparent was glistening on her cheeks; which was leaking from the eyes. Her eyes were hurting me so I decided to change my subject of vision into the floor. My hands involuntarily gripped onto themselves and where the nails dug into the skin, something red was blooming.
I could still hear her though… she was hiccupping and some nasal sounds accompanied that. I decided not to leave her because even if I did want to be on my own, something made me stand rooted there. Her sounds were fairly painful but not as painful as the eyes. It was relieving that the sounds quieted with the passage of period.
The cracks in the plaster of the wall kept my attention riveted towards them as they had since he left. Then the older woman began to speak.
“Mikan… Hirok..i..” she stared in horror as she took in my reaction. I myself just began to understand what I had done after a while- My body had twitched and my head shook and shuddered then my hands hid my face and my body began to rock back and forth very vigorously.
So she waited for a moment. Then she resumed speaking.
“Have you seen your FACE in the mirror?
Have you even eaten anything at ALL this while?
Do you have ANY idea how many days it has been??“ her queries slammed onto me but I managed to avert any thought process and remain in my hazy bubble.
She forcefully grabbed my shoulders and shook me with incredible strength and I blinked after she stopped it.
“IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS AND MORE, MIKAN!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF???” her harsh screaming voice did nothing whatsoever to me except that I simply raised my eyes to look at her.
Her gaze then travelled downwards to my hands. After unlocking them she was petrified. Apparently she had no words to describe what there was or what she was feeling. So she pulled me and marched inside. My eyes found the familiar floor pattern again. I felt something cold trickling down in my palms and some pressure on my wrist then something hard and yet soft staying in place over both my hands. The scent was mixed with some sharp odour which I recognized as something familiarly used by mom when I injured my knees or elbows as a child…
It felt a relief to be left alone. I heard sounds from the rest of the house-clatters, clashes, squeaks, scratches…
The cracked plaster on the wall had kept me occupied yet again till the older woman got back.
“There’s mould growing over all the things in your refrigerator, dust in every place… have you even opened a curtain all this time??
Any way I still don’t understand why he….” She looked up at me with fear and found that I had already shifted my gaze away from the wall towards her, my hands half raised in the air near my face. Whatever she saw their made her feel something which I couldn’t recognize… then after staring long at me, she gritted her teeth as if deciding something.
“You need to snap out of it Mikan!! You haven’t eaten for almost 16 days; you have to clean yourself too! I really feel frightened to think about your state if I hadn’t come here after getting his letter an…”
“WHAT?” the voice shot out like a banshee.
I had stood up and for the first time in ages, my heart-I could hear it beating. It was loud and fast.
“HE….DID HE … By any chance, DID HE SEND A LETTER TO YOU????????” I strained my eyes to see her expression clearly in the darkness. The noise that I had heard after a long period-my heart’s sound, it came to a stop to hear her answer.
Her nostrils flared and her eyes flashed dangerously. “It doesn’t matter! He is GONE. I … I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT ‘HE’ OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought his message in the letter about leaving was a JOKE… I know one thing; he didn’t feel any grief when he left you.” Her jaw locked and I could even hear her teeth smashing against each other… “You don’t mind him, I know it’ll need time but you have to still overcome him. He doesn’t deserve your current reaction; it’s only hurting you. Mikan, understand that he isn’t coming back, don’t decorate the house and leave cooked meals on the table. I just threw them out because they had spoilt away, rotting all this time. DO YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING, MIKAN?????” again she shook me hard. I wanted to break the hold over her eyes. But it wasn’t moving- the muscle to my eye.
Her face slid up into oblivion, then the patterned floor rolled away too and the vision settled over my lap. I avoided thinking what she had said right now. If she was telling the truth then he wasn’t… going to…come…
NO. I shouldn’t dwell on what she had said. If necessary I would deem her to be a liar too.
He was coming. Soon.
__/__/____
The older woman had been staying with me for a mind numbing time now, which only made me hard to forget the lies she had said.
At fixed intervals, she would lay some food in front of me. Clearly I would never eat without him. Because I had promised myself that I would eat when he came. But she kept on repeating that he wasn’t going to come. Ever.
Some time ago she had left me to myself which was supposed to be a good thing.
She had said that he had told her he wasn’t coming back.
He had told me that I wasn’t good enough. He had said that he didn’t love me. For some reason, a voice was speaking to me that what he said was meant by him. The woman was telling no lies.
It was ME that was lying. Maybe he was NOT coming after all. The dust particles in the light were dancing. The air was still. It made no difference that the window had been open for a while. My legs made their way to it. This recent realization was clawing inside and smashing those fragile beliefs.
He was never coming back to me. So then… what was I going to do?
The height until the road below was very impressive. After all this was the top floor. My legs climbed over the sill and rested over them, swinging into the air. The hands lay still onto each other. The vision of dizzying height filled me. A wind rose and hit. It was very pleasant here. I nodded my head. I didn’t take a deep breath as they do in movies, because I didn’t want the proof of physically being alive; instead it turned shallower. I simply raised my hands perpendicular to me. The wind came on stronger hitting the skin in full splendour.
I didn’t spring any muscles or prepare to dive off because I didn’t want to feel the energy-the life in them. As I shifted my centre of gravity away from the sill into the forward direction, his worried face screamed at me… my imagination was running wild desolately even in death.
I expected the rush of falling to defy that idea of him but it never came. Then I realized that an opposite force was pulling me over the sill in the direction of the flowing wind and onto the floor of the room. Some pain echoed in my rear end.
A sharp ‘phut’ sounded. My cheek was tingling a bit; my head thrown sideways. I could hear heavy panting nearby in the stillness.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” she wiped off sweat from her forehead.
A swear word. I had rarely heard it from her mouth. So my eyes widened a millimeter.
“DON’T YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL?? MOM AND DAD ARE WORRIED SICK OVER THERE!!!!!!!!! AND HERE YOU WANNA JUMP OFF TO ESCAPE REALITY?
COWARD!!! I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE SUCH A WIMP!!!!!!!!!
I AM REALLY PISSED OFF.
WE ARE MORONS AND
WE ARE IDIOTS AND STUPID PEOPLE TO CARE ABOUT YOU.
If YOU don’t hold any RESPECT towards YOURSELF, hell, towards him even, JUMP DOWN RIGHT NOW…! You remember WHAT he WROTE? YOU WILL LIVE AND MOVE ON, he said!!
YOU have honored him TOO much, placing him over a pedestal higher than everything else… THEN AT LEAST THINK WHAT HE WILL FEEL WHEN HE KNOWS YOU ARENT LIVING!! WHATEVER OF A SCUM HE IS, HE NEVER WANTED YOU TO DIE! HE EVEN WROTE IT TO ME!!
I… didn’t believe him when he told that you would try to do something like this…! Apparently he took your threat seriously that day….and I didn’t… I should’ve known… better….”
“He…..??? What do you…” the croak scraped against my dry throat.
“Yes……I was angry at the time so I decided not to believe him and the goddamned letter and did my best to make you snap out of it. You’re so selfish mikan!! You only think of yourself! What would have happened to us?
I’m here with you. He left you but we ARE HERE.
YOU ARE HERE!!
DON’T try to end your life!”
My body slumped down as the temporary adrenaline disappeared from its veins.
.
That’s where he used to sleep.
A deep long sigh escaped out of my lips…
Something was slipping from my hands. I looked down at them. Tightening my grip over the towel firmly, I felt something cold slither down them too. My hair was dripping wet, if I didn’t dry them out quickly, I could catch a cold. As I changed into some clothes, I didn’t remember drying myself at all… I shuddered violently as the sweater slid down the neck. I guess that cold WAS coming to me and fast… Ugh, the jeans had slid down to my hips- and it had been a fit size on the waist when I had bought and worn it earlier…
I sat down, this time trying to avoid missing the space and hit my butt on the floor… a dark spot on the jeans caught my attention and no sooner had I begun to notice it that another couple of them appeared. Then I remembered that my hair was still wet…
I would let it dry by itself this time. He always disapproved when he saw me blow drying it… I gulped the quelling hot liquid down and fought the onslaught. To be honest, it hadn’t grown ANY better. The heavy traffic of memories continued.
I noticed that there were some new dark spots over the jeans but this time they weren’t dripping from my wet hair…
.
I felt like throwing up as the warm liquid hit the mouth. But that older doppelganger was looking at me and something in her expression made me to not let her expectation waste and wilt.
So I braved the first course but I pleaded with her not to tell me to have more. Maybe she felt pity for me so she agreed to my pathetic attempts of denial. After clearing everything, her gentle force took me in her lap. This felt familiar as if I had done it sometime earlier… but it felt like a fog- I couldn’t remember it.
__/__/____
The actions had become like a routine over time. I still had no idea what day it was… but as the routine continued and as she introduced things every time into it, it felt as if … as if some points of light were twinkling through the black abyss I found myself in. when I tried to get near them, they never brightened even a little. I figured that if I got near enough them, maybe… maybe they would shine on me as brightly as they did through the darkness because I right at the moment, I found myself a part of this black mass. When I spread out my hands, they could never be SEEN because they were the same as everything around me- black. Even my feet were merged in it…
.
The yellow light hit my face in full glare.
Another thing that had changed when she came- the curtains have been opened more frequently…
My eyes squinted for some time, adjusting themselves. A shadow kept flitting back and forth. After blinking rapidly several times, she came into focus.
Now aware of my surroundings, I saw what she was doing. Piles of clothes lay on the bed with a huge suitcase beside them.
For a moment I felt relived and the same time a fear. Was she leaving me? Then I could get back to relieving in him. But it had felt bitterly comfortable somehow when she was along with me… it was conflicting but I decided and convinced myself that my main emotion had been relief.
Then something struck me- all those clothes were MINE.
“Wait!! What are you DOING?? Those are mine! What are you…”
“Mikan, we’re going home.” Her generous voice came softly and her mouth curved upwards slightly.
“What… But I AM home.”
She folded the garment in her hand and let out a breath. “I’m talking about going back to our house; back to mom n dad.”
My thought processing had slowed but as the words hit their meaning my mind felt more alert than it had ever been in all this while.
“No… Wait! No! You…
You are… NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!
I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!! I AM STAYING RIGHT HERE!!!
DON’T TOUCH MY CLOTHES. DON’T TOUCH THEM!!!! I WON’T LEAVE!!!”
I didn’t hear her protests at all because they drowned away in my shrill piercing shrieks. But existent rage had filled me. What the hell was she thinking? He had spent time with me here and she was telling me to LEAVE??! We had been together, admittedly a very short time but it had been the most important in my life… I needed this place to at least have an illusion of being with him… otherwise there was no reason to be alive…at all…
She came towards me rapidly. “We are going home. Tomorrow itself… it’s done. You are NOT staying here. You NEED TO GO HOME.”
“NO!! I NEED TO STAY RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?? I’m staying. You go then!!!”
She was forcing me now. But I struggled with all my might. If I lived, I needed to BE here! Nowhere else!!!! I didn’t find the courage to end my own life anywhere in me now… the whole wish had flown away with the air as I had prepared to jump off that time…
So in order to survive sanely, I needed him and if not physically, subsequently at the least in the form of our memories and the place where they were best in strength and buried in deep…
I fought her off as much as I could but the more energy I spent; the weaker my body felt as if it was draining away… I kept on fighting till some black cushion blocked my eyes completely and everything fell…
.
My ears were ringing. My eyes felt too heavy to open. So I kept them close. I wanted tranquility to make the ringing stop- but as soon as I had wished for it, I heard some muffled low words.
“She … she fought with me mom!!! ME!!!
She’s definitely not in her right mind!!
She was fairly weak as she hadn’t eaten for long but her strength was so appalling!!
I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t believe how that son of a …
It’s not like I don’t understand her… it’s just that she’s behaving in extremes!! I wasn’t worried before because I thought he… anyway, she really is set on living here. She… it was so unexpected, I’ve never seen her like this, do you think anyone would behave like it?? Come to think of it, I always noticed that it was in the acute severity of all reactions with her when he was involved. I think it’ll be a really LONG time for her to get over him…I don’t know, mom, I’m not so sure that she will get over this…
Yeah, it didn’t work when I told her you want to meet… I know I’ll try and tell her that its Christmas soon… hang on, what’s today?? Oh! There are only a couple of days left… go ahead you start decorating it, I’ll try to convince her again… yeah, bye then.”
What had she said??
Christmas??
Christmas Eve….!
CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!!
The clogs in my brain worked slowly, the rust finally starting to fall off.
I gasped, which made me choke as the intake had been too sharp.
“Nee chan, I have to get home. HURRY!”
Her jaw dropped and she kept on staring at me.
.
All right and the bag had been packed.
I hoped the trains wouldn’t get delayed because of the heavy snow.
Snow, it was snowing… maybe just as hard as those nights…
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